It's Poetry--Knock It Back

For this edition of "The Most Bizarre Google Searches By Which People Stumble Across This Blog," I've turned the searches into a poem. A crass poem that doesn't flow quite so wonderfully as my other poems usually flow. But something akin to the poem that Lisa wrote for Moe in that one episode of the Simpsons.

Each line represents its own google search-phrase...


    vegan food tastes like

sexy bitches cook vegan
        1 pussy 3 cups

vegetarian pussy tastes
hot like your ass in that dress

vegan sex drive
        [men eating shit cream pie]
        [vegans suck ass
        stretch clit]

vegan is shit
that was shit
shit in a cup sex
i could shit
this shit is no my shit
homemade topless pictures
licking body all over
body licking sex
shit licking
shit licking
shit licking

        foods make pussy taste good

what happened to nectar nuggets?

porangey

Quinoa Soup

I'm in love with leeks.

There. I said it.

I'd never tried one before until a few months ago when I made the VT's Beans and Brats recipe. And now I'm in love with them.

If they told me I was their baby daddy, I'd be ok with that, THAT'S how much I'm in love with them.

So I of course was a fan of this soup. Simple. Clean. Plush with tastiness. And flavored wonderfully with leeks.

Try it. You'll like leeks too.

INGREDIENTS:

• 2/3 c. uncooked quinoa


• 2 c. water


• 2 T. olive oil


• 1 yellow onion, chopped


• 1 carrot, julienned (or about 1/2-1 cups of shredded carrots from a bag)


• 1 leek, white part cut in half, rinsed and cut


• 2 cloves garlic, minced


• 1/2 - 1 red chili pepper (I couldn't find one, so I used 1 jalapeno, diced tiny)


• 1 15-oz can crushed tomatoes


• 4 c. vegetable stock


• salt and pepper to taste


• Green part of leek, finely chopped


• 1 15-oz can white beans, rinsed and drained


Other potential garnishes:


• 1/3 cup finely chopped parsley


• 2 tbsp grated lemon peel


Other potential variations:

(Add these to the soup, or use instead of something else. Don't want carrot? Or just feel like adding something else to the soup? These are great.)


• 1 big handful spinach leaves


• 1 red bell pepper, cut into small pieces

DIRECTIONS

Add quinoa and water together and bring to a boil. Simmer for 5 minutes and in the meantime prepare your vegetables. Peel and chop onion and garlic. Cut leek in half lenghtwise and rinse it. Chop up. Peel and julienne the carrot (if you're not using bagged carrot-shreds). (If using bell pepper cut it into small pieces).

When the quinoa has simmered for 5 minutes drain it.

Pour oil into a large soup pot and add the vegetables and garlic (if using spinach in the soup, don’t add it yet). Sauté for a few minutes and then add finely chopped red chili (or jalapeno), saute for another minute.

Add quinoa, the can of crushed tomatoes, vegetable stock and let the soup simmer for about 20 minutes, until the quinoa is soft and has started opening. Add beans when there's about 5 minutes left in the cooking-cycle. (If using spinach add this in just a few minutes before taking the soup off the stove.)

Add salt and pepper to taste.

Put the green-leeks and any other garnish ingredients to a small bowl and sprinkle over the soup before you eat it.

(Original recipe from Veg Bitch)

Chewy Chocolate-Raspberry Cookie Sammiches

So my birthday was this weekend. Fart fart blah blah and all that. And, being that I love a good excuse to bake, I decided to try out the Chewy Chocolate Raspberry Cookie recipe from Veganomicon.

But since the dessert was birthday-related, I figured it needed to be a bit bigger. A bit bolder. A bit more celebratory. Translation: Way more sugary and over-the-top. So after brainstorming a bit, and after reading the cookbook's suggestion that you try these cookies out as ice cream sandwiches, I thought to myself: WAIT! SUGARY = FROSTING = COOKIE SAMMICHES! And voila--these cookie sammiches were born.

And seriously: they are the best dessert I've had in forever. In fact, I gave one to one of my instructors to try the other day, and she stopped me in the hallway, with this glazed post-sex crazed glow in her eyes, and said to me: "Oh my god. That was seriously the best thing I've ever eaten." Not "the best dessert." Not "the best thing in the past few months." But the best thing EVER. Which, granted, was probably a *TINY* bit of an exaggeration. But only a tiny one. Because seriously: Screw cake for your birthday. These things will rope-a-dope the shit out of cake until it's too tired out to fight back for that belt.

The chocolate-raspberry cookies are wonderfully subtle-tasting, and AWESOMELY chewy. And the simple flavor of the cookies is balanced out by the completely ridiculous, sugary, decadent filling (from Vegan Cupcakes Take Over the World) smooshed between them.

Good good stuff.

I post the complete recipe for the cookie sammiches, but if you want to just make the cookies themselves, obviously, just don't whip up the filling. *COUidjitGH*

Sidenote: I was a bit horrified to find this morning that you can find the WHOLE Veganomicon cookbook on-line in pdf form, if you happen to google-search the right terms. I don't know how nor why this is legal, but I'm not posting a link here because I think it's kind of bullshit. I know Isa is a generous gal (and has told me once that she didn't mind me posting a recipe out of VwaV), but THE WHOLE BOOK??? That's crap.

INGREDIENTS:

The Cookies:


• 1 c. raspberry preserves


• 2 c. sugar


• 2/3 c. canola oil


• 2 tsp vanilla extract


• 2 tsp almond extract


• 1 & 1/4 c. unsweetened cocoa powder (sifted if clumpy)


• 3 c. all-purpose flour


• 1.5 tsp baking soda


• 1/4 t. salt


The Filling:


• 1/4 c. vegan margarine (at room temp.)


• 1/4 c. vegan shortening (at room temp.)


• 2.5 c. powdered sugar


• 1/2 c. cocoa powder


• 3 T. soy milk


• 1 t. vanilla extract

DIRECTIONS:

Preheat the oven to 350˚F. Line a cookie sheet with parchment paper.

In a large mixing bowl, stir together the raspberry preserves, sugar, canola oil, vanilla, and almond extract.

In a separate bowl sift together all the other cookie ingredients.

Add the dry to the wet in 3 batches, mixing well with a fork (or your hands) after each addition. When you get to the last batch, you may need to use your hands to work the batter into a soft and pliable dough.

Roll the dough into walnut-size balls and then flatten them with your hands into 2 1/2 inch diameter disks. Place on your cookie sheet (they need to be only 1/2 inch apart because they don’t spread out when baking).

Bake 10 minutes.

While they are baking, make your filling. (I did mine in a food-processor, because I didn't have a beater, but bless my sister's heart, she got me one for my b-day. Anyways, you can make it either which way, depending on what you've got at home.) Place the margarine and shortening in a bowl or in your food processor. Beat or process until blended. Add your vanilla and soy milk and process/beat some more. Add in your cocoa powder and beat/process until combined. Start adding the powdered sugar in small batches, beating/processing after each bit until fully combined (that way it doesn't clump). Once all of it's been added, beat/process until thick and fluffy.

Remove cookies from the oven and let cool for 5 minutes. Transfer to a cooling rack to cool completely.

Once your cookies are completely cooled, take a cookie and slather a generous helping of filling on the flat side. Take another cookie, and smoosh the two flat-sides of your cookies together. Repeat until all your cookies are gone. There should be EXACTLY the right amount of frosting to fill up your cookies, without running out and without having leftovers. Because I am awesome like that.

Makes about 18 cookie-sammiches.

(Cookie recipe posted at Splendid Sustenance, originally from Veganomicon)

Red Hot Mamas

I decided to bake some cookies last week, and I had a random cookie-recipe sitting at home that sounded good to me. I'd printed it out ages ago and stumbled across it while cleaning last week. The recipe was for chocolate peanut butter oatmeal cookies, or some such thing.

I was a bit thrown when I read the introductory blurb at the top of the recipe (which claimed that they were very popular cookies) and saw that the creator said they yielded only three really huge cookies (of tablespoon drop-cookie size), "just the way she liked them." I thought it a typo and assumed she meant three DOZEN (because who in god's name goes through the trouble of making dough for only three cookies??).

But I am stupid like that and, although I checked to make sure I had all the ingredients before I started putting the recipe together, I never checked the QUANTITIES, so when I hit the part of the recipe where I apparently was told to add only 2.5 Tablespoons of flour, I suddenly had a WTF moment. I have never in my life seen a cookie recipe calling for only 2.5 T. of flour. Again, being stupid, I assumed that they must've meant cups instead of tablespoons, and I commenced to adding 2.5 cups of flour.

Clearly it was not a typo for "cups," and it ended up turning into an enormous powdery mess.

I tried to rescue the recipe by adding soy milk, but the batter just turned into play-do consistency and didn't taste good at all.

I'm pretty certain there's no way that only 2.5 T. of flour would've made the cookies any better, but I guess I will never know what the typoed quantity should've been. End result: Me, dumping cookie dough very angrily into my garbage can.

Needless to say, once I figure out where that recipe came from, I AM HUNTING DOWN THE CREATOR AND RIPPING OFF ALL THEIR FINGERNAILS AND THEN KICKING THEM IN THE NIPPLES IN THE MOST PEACEFUL, GENTLE, CARING, VEGAN-LIKE, NON-VIOLENT MANNER POSSIBLE!

Oh yes. You have been warned, Shitty Cookie Lady.

Anyways, after getting severely pissed off and flopping down on the couch to stare at the television for about 10 minutes in an attempt to assuage my anger, I decided to try baking something else instead.

The problem was this (which is also why I was so pissed off at the Shitty Cookie Recipe):

- Right now I have no car.

- This means I have no means of easily running out to get any ingredients I need but don't have.

- This means I had been trying to whip up something with what I had in my cupboard, WHILE ALSO making sure that I had enough ingredients left over to make cookie-sandwiches I had been planning to make for my birthday.

So: after looking through like 1900 different cookbooks, I finally just found myself coming back to the ever-adaptable chocolate thumbprint cookies in VwaV. I'd adapted them once before with delightful results, so I decided (since I had all the ingredients on hand) that I'd try out a new take on them this time.

I'm a big fan of the chocolate-cinnamon-cayenne combo (see also the Mexican Chocolate Cake recipe I've raved about on prior occasion). I adore it, it enflames my passions, it makes me want to spread it all over my inner thighs and make people lick it off.

So I decided to experiment with some Mexican Chocolate Cookies.

I was pleased with the end result, although next time I think I will make some sort of spicy-chocolate drizzle to toss on top, just to add a bit more oomph. But even without it, these will definitely get you all fevered up and sweaty. *Waggling eyebrows at you*

INGREDIENTS:

Dry:


• 2 c. flour


• 2/3 c. cocoa


• 1/2 t. baking soda


• 1/4 t. salt


• 1/2 t. cinnamon


• Cayenne pepper to taste*


Wet:


• 1 1/3 c. sugar


• 2/3 c. soy milk


• 2/3 c. canola oil


• 2.5 t. vanilla



• 2/3 to 1 c. vegan semi-sweet chocolate chips

*I'd start off with 1/8 t. of cayenne, mix the wet and dry ingredients together (minus the choc chips), and then start adding more cayenne little by little until it's at a comfortable level of spiciness for your tastebuds. Just make sure that you mix the dough up well after each addition, otherwise you'll accidentally end up with a few FREAKING HOT cookies where the cayenne pepper accumulated.


DIRECTIONS

Preheat oven at 350. Mix the dry ingredients together in a large bowl. Mix the wet ingredients together in a separate bowl. Add the wet to the dry and mix until fully combined. Add in any added cayenne pepper at this point, until the heat-level has you all hot and bothered. Add the chocolate chips.

On a cookie sheet covered in wax/parchment paper, scoop out heaping tablespoon-sized amounts of dough. Smoosh down a slight bit once you drop them on the pan.

After you've filled the cookie sheet (they expand, so not too close to one another), toss into the oven for 10 minutes or so (until tops have started to crack).

Once you've removed them from the oven, let them cool in the pan for about five minutes, and then transfer to a cooling rack.

Makes about 24-30 cookies or so.

Addendum to "Chickpea Nuggets," Or "Tales from a Telescopic Anus"

While musing over how very much the chickpea nuggets really DO look like turds, it dawned on me that they were kind of thematically apropos as a meal last night, given that my mom had just gotten a colonscopy, and given that we had the following dinner conversation (which I recreate here, in an abbreviated, but still very poo-laden, form, which I'm sure will yield us many an interesting new google search)--enjoy mdmadph!



MOM: Yeah, I was laying there, and I *swear* they wheeled in a tv and I was sort of watching them make their way up through my insides.

ME: Ew. Really?

MOM: Yeah, but the weird thing was that my insides weren't pink. They were like browns and yellows and stuff. Which made me think maybe I was dreaming.

ME: I don't necessarily THINK that our insides are all pink though, are they? I mean, browns and yellows sound kind of right.

MOM: Yeah. I guess. Do you remember when you were little and you used to have that problem with your butt where you wouldn't go to the bathroom because it hurt so bad?

ME: Yeah. Vaguely.

MOM: It was because you had a telescopic anus! Do you remember that?

ME: A "telescopic anus?!?!"

MOM: Yeah! When you went to go poop, the insides of your butt would telescope out when you pushed, like a little telescopic anus.

ME: WHAT?!?!?!?!

MOM: Yeah. It took lots of castor oil to fix that.

ME: Wait. WHAT?!?!?!?!

[Mom bites into chickpea poo-chunk with no sense of irony]

THE END

When They Were Bad They Were Very Very Bad, But When They Were Good They Were Awesome

So I feel a TEENY bit bad giving Veganomicon such a hard time yesterday. I don't hate the cookbook, and I don't want it to come across as such. Granted, I've had a couple major flops. And they flopped hard. But I've also had some damn good experiences as well. And I don't want the bad to eclipse the good here (speaking of eclipse: you catch the lunar one last night? fricking bad-ass awesome).

So today, I'm lacing up my boxing gloves, putting in one of them mouthguard thingies, and hopping around in the ring ready to take on the chickpea-cutlet dissers because, good god, peeps, I loves these things.

Yesterday, my mom had an appointment for a colonoscopy and endoscopy, which I took her to. (I'm sure she'll be EVER so pleased that I'm talking about her asshole for everyone around the globe to read.) Anyways, she was starving since she had to fast all day. So I decided to cook her dinner. And I decided that I'd whip up the chickpea cutlets again, this time in nugget form.

And seriously peeps: I know that tastes vary. So I'ma chalk up the haters to that fact. (I hate brussel sprouts, but I know many of you who would happily use them as anal beads, you love them that much. All a matter of taste, you brussel sprout pervs...) But *tightening the lacing on my boxing gloves* I'll totally rope-a-dope those of you who argue that the recipe itself stinks, because even after forming them into nuggets, I still had absolutely no problem with it, and they came out delightful (albeit, looking a little bit like poo-logs; but once you get around that, they're damn tasty, and I recommend the nugget form for those of you trying to feed kids). In nugget form, these would make an AWESOME finger-food for parties (with a few sides of dipping sauces) or an easy way to please an omnivore.


Seriously: poo or chickpea nugget?
Hard to tell...

For those of you interested in trying them out this way, you'll just want to form them into about 12-15 nuggety shapes (see pics) evenly spaced on your pan and flip them over every once in a while until they are firm enough that you can pick them up (I think I only ended up reducing the cooking time on the original recipe by about 5 minutes to make them in nugget form).

I also made the lemony roasted potatoes for dinner as well, and mother of god, these things were good. They left my house smelling wonderfully aromatic, like Thanksgiving day had made an unexpected layover in Cleveland. Despite the fact that I am the worst cutter-upper of potatoes, they turned out delicious, the perfect hint of delicate lemon flavoring.

So yeah: Veganomicon has disappointed me a couple times. But I'm hoping that the two incidents I mentioned yesterday were just isolated events and that the good moments (like the chickpea cutlets and lemony roasted potatoes) will engulf the bad moments, chew them up, and spit them out, as I try out more and more recipes from this book. *Fingers crossed* since I intend to whip up that eggplanty curry recipe this weekend along with the tomatoey-rice soup recipe.

Those are the technical names, obviously.

LEMONY ROASTED POTATOES



INGREDIENTS:

• 2.5 pounds Russet potatoes (medium to small potatoes work best)


• 1/3 c. olive oil


• 6 cloves garlic, chopped finely


• 1/2 c. freshly squeezed lemon juice


• 1 c. vegetable broth


• 2 t. dried oregano


• salt to taste


• 1 t. tomato paste (or I used steak sauce)


• Freshly ground black pepper


• Chopped fresh parsley or dried oregano (optional)

DIRECTIONS

Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Peel the potatoes, slice in half lengthwise, and slice each half into wedges no more then 3/4″ thick.

In a large, deep baking pan or casserole dish (at least 10 17-inches or bigger), combine the olive oil, garlic, lemon juice, vegetable broth, oregano, salt, and tomato paste. Add the peeled, sliced potatoes. Sprinkle with freshly ground pepper and toss the potatoes to cover with the sauce. Cover the pan tightly with foil (or use lid of casserole dish), place in the oven, and bake for 30-35 minutes until the potatoes are almost done. Several times during the baking process, remove the pan from the oven, uncover, stir the potatoes, place the cover back, and return the pan to the oven.

Uncover the pan one last time, stir the potatoes again, and bake, uncovered, for an additional 15-20 minutes, until most of the sauce has evaporated and some of the potatoes have just started to brown on their edges. Sprinkle with chopped fresh parsley and/or more dried oregano before serving.

serves 4-6

(Posted at The PepperTree, originally from Veganomicon)

Two Phenomenal Veganomical Flops

The chickpea cutlets were so very very good. So color me highly disappointed (that IS a color--right next to Plum and Mahogany in the 64-pack of crayolas) when the next two recipes I tried from Veganomicon were huge flops.

First were the jelly donut cupcakes.

What an awesome idea, I thought to myself. And the recipe is ridiculously simple. So I decided to whip them up in time for Valentine's Day.

Now, I'll give the recipe the benefit of the doubt because I've not had ONE good experience baking cupcakes in my oven (despite the fact that I have baked some killer cakes in there), so the bad experience could just be chalked up to yet one more cupcake disaster. *BUT* I'm also giving myself the benefit of the doubt here as well, since I followed the recipe to a T, and since I've also read numerous other tales of botched cupcakes stemming from this recipe. The uber-adorable VeggieGirl discussed their disastrous aesthetic value just last week. But Did They Eat It?'s donuts looked like they had scabies. And Rural Vegan's cupcakes looked like mutated blueberry muffins (though disaster was nullified by the cute pic she got of her chickies chowing down on them). And that's just to name a few. (Don't get me wrong, there are also many many posts of people's success with these cupcakes. But clearly something's up with the recipe when such culinary masters like VeggieGirl run into trouble.)

In *MY* case, all the jam sunk directly to the bottom of the cupcake, and the tops of the cupcakes caved in. I'm easy to please though, so I would've been fine with the horrendous appearance if only they were stable cupcakes. But since the jam all sunk to the bottom, upon unwrapping each cupcake, they basically just crumbled apart. (Thankfully, I MacGuyvered them by crumbling them all up into a sort of crumbly streudel.) The issue with the recipe seems to be with the jelly/jam. The cookbook claims you can just dollop the jam on top and leave it alone, and it will sink perfectly to the middle of the cupcake. I suspect, however, that depending on the weight of what you choose to use (jam perhaps being the culprit here due to the fact that it's much more dense and heavy then jelly), you could conceivably end up with disastrous results. I used raspberry jam, and I suspect the heaviness of it being a jam is what caused it all to sink to the bottom. Presumably the cornstarch added to the recipe is intended to act as a sort of jelly-glue, locking it into place as it bakes. But that was not the case with my cupcakes.

I *WILL* try these again though, since they are so simple (and since I liked the way they tasted--despite the fact that there have been a lot of complaints about them being yucky). Next time though: cheap shitty jelly.

The second disaster I had I didn't see coming at all, which made it all the more disappointing. I saw the recipe for beanballs last week, and they looked SO ricidulously simple, and sounded so damn tasty, that I decided I would whip them up this weekend.

Now, I *DID* roam around on the internet after these turned out to be a bomb to see if it was just me, and the general consensus seems to be that this is a good recipe and that no one's had any major trouble with it. *SO* I wanted to note that here.

However, what happened when I baked these babies is that they never solidified into a chewy, meatbally-like chunk. Instead, they just continued to have a mushy, beany, kind of doughy consistency. And despite the fact that the flavor was wonderful on them (which annoyed me even MORE, because I know that they had POSSIBILITY), I found myself having a difficult time even humoring them by eating them. The second day I had them, I crumbled them up with some more bread crumbs (as much as possible since they were still mushy) and attempted to fry them up majorly so that they'd kind of be like meat-crumbles on my spaghetti--I had much better luck going this route.

After much speculation about how I could've ruined them so badly, I came to this conclusion: 20 oz. of kidney beans does not equal 3 cups of kidney beans. 3 cups of kidney beans is 24 oz. This means, given the cup-measurements offered in the cookbook, I was technically adding a full 1/2 cup of kidney beans to the recipe that shouldn't technically have been there. Now, kidney beans don't exist in 20-oz cans, so anyone who makes this recipe is going to end up buying a big honking can. And if they make the error of assuming that the equivalent cup-measurement is correct, I think the beanballs will probably end up bombing for them. Granted, the recipe says "approximately" 3 cups. But I would venture to say that the 1/2 c. makes a HUGE difference when it comes to the consistency of the beanballs. If you don't believe me that 1/2 c. can make a difference, let me note this as well: Veganomicon says the recipe should yield 12-15 beanballs. When I was rolling them out, I was like HOLY CRAP, THEY JUST KEEP COMING. By the time I was done, I had about 20+ meatballs. Again, even a small amount like 1/2 c. makes a difference.

Crunch n' Munch verifies my thoughts on the matter as well, noting that "I’m pretty sure the recipe called for 1/2 cup [of bread crumbs], but I wound up putting more in to make them reasonably held together. My kidney beans were in a 15 oz. can, so I opened two and measured them by the cupful, based on the book saying it was about 3 cups, without thinking much about that fact that it’d be more like 24oz. I reckon the approx. & the fact that kidney beans aren’t liquid accounts for the other 4 oz. but… yeah. Anyway, I stirred in more breadcrumbs until it got to a consistency I found reasonable." Unfortunately, I just assumed that the consistency was the way it was supposed to be since the beanballs were holding together perfectly fine, and I never added extra breadcrumbs like Crunch n' Munch had the foresight to do.

So, again: I will most definitely give this recipe a second chance, as the beanballs TASTED wonderful, despite the consistency being wretched. But for those of you looking to dive in and try this recipe out yourself, please please please take note of the measurement discrepancy and aim for 2.5 cups of kidney beans. Hopefully you'll have better luck.



As balls...



As "meat" crumbles...

INGREDIENTS:

• 20 oz. (or approx. 2.5 cups*) of cooked kidney beans


• 1/4 c. vital wheat gluten


• 1/2 - 1 c. bread crumbs*


• 2 T. olive oil


• 2 T. soy sauce


• 2 T. steak sauce or tomato paste


• 2 cloves garlic, pressed or grated


• 1/4 t. lemon zest


• 1/2 t. oregano


• 1/4 t. thyme

*These quantities have been modified from the original recipe in the hopes of helping you out with consistency

DIRECTIONS
(For baking--frying is pretty much common sense)

Preheat oven to 375F.

Chuck all of your kidney beans into a medium sized bowl and mash them suckers. You want them to be fairly well smooshed, but not to the point that they’re unidentifiable as kidney beans. Add in the rest of your ingredients, and then mush together with your hands until fully combined. Knead/mush them for a minute or two.

After you have everything stirred up and holding together (without being totally solid, mind you) roll up your beanballs. They should be on the smaller side; Veganomicon compares them to the size of walnuts (which made me realize that I have no idea what an unshelled walnut looks like--so maybe think "eyeball"-sized instead).

Oil up a baking sheet, place the beanballs on it, and roll them around a tiny bit in the oil so they're covered.

Bake for 15 minutes on one side, flip them, bake for another 10 minutes on the other side. If you are cooking them up with tomato sauce, at this point add your tomato sauce and toss them until they're coated. Pop back into the oven for 5 more minutes. If you're not using tomato sauce, I'd just toss them back in as is for about 5 more minutes as is, or until sufficiently browned.

(Recipe posted at Crunch n' Munch, originally from Veganomicon)

SusanV's Vegan Eggplant "Parmesan"

Today is one of those days where I don't really feel like talking to anyone for some reason. So I had to psych myself up a bit to post.

Which means you owe me one.

You can reward me in the form of $100-bills sent directly to my house. Please contact me for my address.

Anyways, I made this lasagna a few weeks ago. And although it looks like something from a really bad B-movie like The Blob or something, it was really quite tasty.





(Ever notice that lasagna and anything with slippery lubed-up layers is a far cry from photogenic on the first day it's out of the oven? I hate that.)

This recipe is a very good one, though I will admit it didn't exactly satisfy my cravings for old-school eggplant parmesan. (However, SusanV says just that in her intro to the recipe, so I intend that not so much as a complaint as a warning, in case you were looking for something more traditional.) It's moreso the classy older sister of old-school eggplant parm, if you want to get technical. Instead of slabs of cheez, it has a decadent creamy sauce. Instead of breading, it is dusted with breadcrumbs. It kind of sashays when it walks. Wears heels instead of the typical Chucks. Doesn't slouch in its seat or chew on its hair. Etc.

So yeah: DO check the recipe out because it's well worth your while. (I actually found myself a bit smitten with the tomato sauce alone--it's tasty over plain ol' spaghetti noodles.) Just don't whip it up on a day where you haven't combed your hair or crawled out of your pajamas and just feel like eating brethren of comfort foods like mac n' cheese, peanut butter crackers, or toast.

Oh, and one more head's up: The only issue I had with this recipe was regarding the breadcrumbs. I must've used the SMALLEST two pieces of whole-grain bread for my breadcrumbs because they BARELY covered anything. So I would suggest overdoing it and going for 4. Unless you have bread the size of a small baby, in which case two should suffice.

INGREDIENTS:

• 1 large eggplant, sliced 1/4 inch thick


• 2-4 pieces of whole grain bread, toasted and made into breadcrumbs


• 2-3 T. soy parmesan (or ground almonds)


• fresh basil leaves, chopped or torn


• olive oil spray


Tomato Sauce:


• 1 medium onion, chopped


• 3 cloves garlic, minced or pressed


• 1 16-ounce can diced tomatoes


• 1 t. oregano


• 1/2 t. basil


• 1/2 c. vegetable broth


• 2 t. tomato paste


• salt and pepper to taste


"Cheese" Sauce:


• 1/2 c. extra-firm silken tofu


• 1/2 c. unsweetened soy milk (I used plain soy milk, and it tasted just fine)


• 1/2 c. vegetable broth


• 2 T. cashew butter or tahini


• 1 t. onion powder


• 1.5 T. nutritional yeast


• 1/2 t. salt (optional)


• 1/8 t. white pepper


• 2 t. corn starch

DIRECTIONS

Salt the eggplant slices and put them in a colander to drain.

Prepare the tomato sauce by sautéing the onion in a non-stick saucepan until it becomes translucent (you may use a little water if you like). Add the garlic and sauté for one more minute. Add the remaining tomato sauce ingredients, and cook for 15-20 minutes.

Prepare the cheese sauce: Place all ingredients in a blender and blend until completely smooth. Blend again right before using to make sure that the ingredients haven't separated.

Rinse the eggplant slices and pat them dry with paper towels. Spray a baking sheet lightly with olive oil and place the slices on it (you may have to do this in two batches). Spray the tops lightly and place under the broiler. Watch carefully, and remove when the slices start to brown, about 3 minutes.

Assemble the casserole: Preheat the oven to 350. Spray or wipe an 8x8-inch non-metal baking dish with a small bit of olive oil. Place half of the eggplant slices on the bottom of the dish, edges overlapping. Sprinkle with half the breadcrumbs. Spoon half the tomato sauce and pour half the cheese sauce over the breadcrumbs and sprinkle lightly with soy parmesan. Repeat the process with the remaining ingredients (reserving some bread crumbs for on top, as mentioned above). Bake uncovered for about 20 minutes, until
slightly browned on top. Sprinkle with fresh basil just before serving.

Serves 4.

(Original recipe from FatFree Vegan Kitchen)

Memed

Six interesting things about myself that you don't already know... (I think I may have memed this before, so I'm trying to think of new ones.) Oof. Difficult. Hopefully none of you read my regular blog, in which case I might actually be able to get away with these.

• When bored while peeing at work, I sometimes pee-race whomever else is in the restroom. This entails trying to expel all my pee before their tinkle noises end. There is no trophy, but it nonetheless provides about 45 seconds worth of entertainment.



• My cats are named after my favorite book: Franny and Zooey by J.D. Salinger.



• I used to be a poet. (I say "used to" because I have only written sporadically over the past 4 years or so.)



• I heart Philip Seymour-Hoffman. I don't know why this popped into my head, but I really do. If I could be any actor, I think I would choose to be him.



• I don't celebrate Valentine's Day, and I tell people that I don't celebrate Valentine's day, but secretly, I like it.



• I made "Valentine's Day Songs for the Cynical Lover" mixes for all the people I heart and passed them along today. This is the tracklist:
  
  1. Spinster--Joan Jett
  2. Is You Is or Is You Ain't My Baby--Anita O'Day
  3. The Most Beautiful Girl in the Room--Flight of the Conchords
  4. Pretend Love--The Avett Brothers
  5. Here Comes My Baby--Cat Stevens
  6. By Your Side--Cocorosie
  7. I Am a Teardrop--Joe Dickinson
  8. Since I Fell for You--Nina Simone
  9. Diamond Mind--Rasputina
  10. Tear Stained Letter--Johnny Cash
  11. Blue Valentine--Tom Waits
  [If your track 12 by chance shows up, it's Fuck and Run--Liz Phair]
  13. My Darling, I've Forgotten--Of Montreal
  14. Love is Wicked--Mason Jennings
  15. People in Love--Art Brut
  16. Razorblade--The Strokes
  17. My Baby's Got Sauce--G. Love & Special Sauce
  18. We'd Get On--Kate Nash
  19. Never There--Cake
  20. The Sweater--Cadell Meryn
  21. Creep--Richard Cheese
  22. Instant Pleasure--Rufus Wainwright
  23. This Piece of Poetry is Meant to Do Harm--The Ark
  24. Cry to Me--Solomon Burke
  25. Yes, I Guess They Oughta Name a Drink After You--John Prine
  26. A Kiss is Not a Contract--Flight of the Conchords
  27. I'll Shoot the Moon--Tom Waits

(Thanks to Chile for meme-ing me. I'd meme someone else in return, but some people don't like to be memed--this sounds so naughty--so I'll just let you meme yourself if you'd like.)

Veganomicon's Chickpea Cutlets

So oh my god, I've been SO tired of hearing about the Veganomicon Chickpea Cutlets. (Ok, not really--but seriously: who HASN'T cooked them and blogged about them yet?!? I mean, other than me??) Which means that it was, of course, the first recipe I wanted to try when my copy of Veganomicon finally showed up in the mail. And because of all the praise they've received, I went in thinking "These things better make my fricking CLIT fall off from their tastiness if they're gonna live up to their reputation."

So last Saturday night I scrounged together all the ingredients and whipped up the baked version.

They were a bit flat when I removed them from the oven, so I was skeptical. They smelled scrumptious though, but still: High standards.

I had also decided to make some mashed potatoes on the side--a fairly standard recipe with some chickpeas thrown in--and I topped these with the cheezy sauce from Veganomicon as well.

Finally: Pics. Napkin. I sat down with a beer and a plate full of steaming Veganomicon grub.

One bite of the chickpea cutlets, and clunk... No no no... Plink (I don't think my clit is large enough to warrant a Clunk), there went my clit, down the inside of my pantleg and bouncing across the floor to wind up under my couch, stuck in a wad of cat hair, just SLIGHTLY out of reach of my arm. DAMN YOU, CHICKPEA CUTLETS! YOU ARE AS TASTY AS EVERYONE SAYS YOU ARE!

Truly and sincerely: these things are SO very good. Especially for having such a simple and (seemingly) bland variety of ingredients. Next time I make them, I think I'm going to try forming them into little dippable-sized chicken-nugget-type chunks, because they kind of reminded me of nuggets.

And for those of you who haven't tried them yet: Don't mask the flavor in gravies and sauces. Just squeeze out a nice side of agave nectar and use it for dipping sauce. IT WILL FLOOR YOU. The agave nectar offers the perfect set of complimentary flavors for the cutlets. You will not be disappointed.

*Screwing clit back on*

INGREDIENTS:

• 1 c. chickpeas
  
• 2 T. olive oil


• 1/2 c. vital wheat gluten


• 1/2 c. plain breadcrumbs


• 1/4 c. vegetable broth or water


• 2 T. soy sauce


• 2 garlic cloves , pressed or grated


• 1/2 t. lemon zest


• 1/2 t. dried thyme


• 1/2 t. Hungarian paprika


• 1/4 t. dried rubbed sage


• to taste olive oil , for pan frying or baking

DIRECTIONS

Mash the chickpeas and oil together until no whole chickpeas remain. Add remaining ingredients and knead for 3 minutes until strings of gluten have formed. Preheat large nonstick skillet over medium heat. Divide dough into four equal pieces. Flatten each piece and stretch to roughly 4" x 6"

PAN-FRYING: Add a thin layer of olive oil to to the pan. Place cutlets in the pan and cook on each side for 6 to 7 minute They are ready when lightly brown and firm to the touch.

BAKING: Preheat oven to 375°F, and lightly oil baking sheet. Brush both sides of each patty with olive oil, place on baking sheet, and bake for 20 minutes. Flip patties and bake another 8 to 10 minutes until firm and golden brown.

(Recipe from Veganomicon, posted at RECIPEZAAR)

Delectable Plunkett Burritos

It's been one of those weeks. One of those irritating irritating weeks. So I've been trying to work up the energy to post. And then I realized that this recipe was actually sitting in my inbox, so I figured I'd keep it short and sweet.

Last week a friend of a friend of a friend (who is also the son of a son of a mother--you following?) cooked dinner for several of us when he was in town. The sweet perk about the fact that he cooked dinner for us is that he's a chef (is/was--not sure if you can ever RETIRE that position, even if you DO move on to a different type of job). So dinner wasn't just good, it was sweet-good-god-tasty like something you'd get at a real restaurant.

Thankfully he was kind enough to jot down the recipe, and I must say: if you have time to whip these up, they are WELL worth it. Wonderfully simple ingredients and yet chock full of a variety of crisp and spicy flavors. I liked it so much that I ate two huge burritos, and I had a grand ol' stomachache the rest of the night, but it was well worth it. So, thanks, RP. =)



TOFU AND MARINADE

INGREDIENTS:

• juice of 2 fresh limes or one lime juice squeezed


• .25 medium red onion rough chopped


• 2 T. agave nectar


• 1/2 t. cumin


• 1 t. salt


• 1 t. pepper


• 1/2 c. canola oil


• .25 bunch of cilantro

DIRECTIONS

mix together and taste for salt pepper and if needs more lime juice or oil. put 1/2 oil in then add rest because I am not sure that it is to much or to little.

cut tofu in desired size I think longer thinner strips might be better the second time around.

put in zip lock bag.

let sit over night.

Bread the tofu with whole wheat flour, cayenne pepper, and salt and pepper.




AVOCADO TOMATO SALAD

INGREDIENTS:

• three avocados


• 1/2 red onion


• three tomatoes


dressing:


• 1 Clementine


• fresh or 1 squeezed lime juice


• 1/2 bunch of cilantro


• 1/2 t. cumin


• 1/2 t. cayenne pepper


• 1 T. agave nectar


• salt pepper to taste


• 1/2 c. canola oil

DIRECTIONS

add together and stir up well again add oil slowly all measurements are not exact. make sure it has enough salt.




SLAW TOPPING

INGREDIENTS:

• julienne cabbage


• Chipotle Tabasco


• salt

DIRECTIONS:

Mix together to taste. Don't be afraid of the salt



ALTOGETHER NOW:

fry up tofu, drain well, and enjoy. dont forget to warm up your tortillas.

(We assembled our burritos by taking a warm tortilla, filling it up with the tofu and avocado tomato salad, and topping it off with the slaw.)

Licking Lips All Seductively and Shit

In case you hadn't noticed--and how could you possibly NOT, given that we're suddenly being inundated with every horrid and nauseating jewelry commercial in town (and also that damn cell phone ad that is being marketed towards V-Day buyers and which, goddamn them, is whoring out Ryan Adams to sell phones)--V-Day is next week. So I figured it would probably do us all some good to brush up on our common vegan aphrodisiacs.

Now, as most of you know, I'm not a big supporter of V-Day, but I *DO* support getting laid, and if the existence of V-Day helps you get into that certain somebody's pants, then *tip of the hat* to V-Day.

*Sidenote [which is not vegan-related but will tie into aphrodisiacs]: While I was in the restroom yesterday, washing my hands, I happened to look in the mirror and thought, Oh my: You look kind of cold there, Ms. Lindy Loo, what with your little niplets poking out all pertly like that through your shirt. But then I realized that I was wearing a thick-bra SO THERE'S NO WAY THAT MY NIPPLES COULD BE POKING OUT FROM THE COLD. Which made me realize this: I think my bra has been manufactured to LOOK like I am in a constant state of nippular erectness, even when I'm not. How f-ed up is that? And this ain't no Victoria's Secret bra, ladies & gents. It's off the cheap-ass rack at Target. *Color me mildly disturbed*

This reminded me that I once read somewhere that hard nipples attract potential mates. Not in the OBVIOUS "ooh look it's nipples"-type way, but in some subconscious-type way. I think I also read that dilated pupils do the same. How strange is that?

In case you have neither of these to flaunt, I offer you a list of some bad-assvegan aphrodisiacs(and some articles to fill in the blanks where my information leaves off) to take advantage of instead.

Be sure to click on this mp3 before you start reading, and GET YOUR SEXY ONNNNNN. *ooh*


[[ LISTEN ]]

VEGAN APHRODISIACS

Almonds
"A symbol of fertility throughout the ages. The aroma is thought to induce passion in a female."[2] *Dabbing on the almond extract*

Basil (sweet basil)
"Is said to stimulate the sex drive and boost fertility. It is also said to produce a general sense of well being for body and mind."[2] This makes me very happy to know, because even just the glorious SCENT of basil makes my toes curl.

Chocolate
Either eaten plain or slathered all over the naked body of an Adonis-like (or Aphrodite-like) creature, "Chocolate contains chemicals thought to effect neurotransmitters in the brain and a related substance to caffeine called theobromine. Chocolate contains more antioxidant (cancer preventing enzymes) than does red wine. The secret for passion is to combine the two"[2], that way you can be sexy *AND* cancer-free--woot woot! I suggest the following combination: Sit back with a glass of wine while you have your partner slather chocolate all over their nekkid body, offering you some glorious chocolatey eye candy. Once you've taken your last sip, start a-licking.




(Sex that giant chocolate bar UP, baby!)


Chili Peppers
"These sizzling veggies will spice up your meal and your evening! Adding chili peppers to your dishes gets your heart pumping and produces neurochemicals known as endorphins, which make you happier."[3] But mother of god, if you dabble in the chili pepper realm, please heed my WORD OF WARNING and either wear rubber gloves or wash your hands really really good before, well, touching people's naughty bits and pieces. Otherwise your sexy evening will very abruptly (and painfully) come to an end.

Coffee
I like THIS entry because all of the sudden a rather conservative article gets all racy and innuendoey:

"Serve small amounts of rich dark coffee in special little demitasse cups. Coffee stimulates both the body and the mind so partake of a little in preparation for an "all-nighter"."[2] Let's think about this a minute. CupS? As in, plural? All-nighter? As in "all night?" Clearly Gourmet Sleuth likes to dabble in orgies.

Garlic
"The 'heat' in garlic is said to stir sexual desires. Make sure you and your partner share it together."[2] Translation: Things ain't gonna be all bow-chicka-bow-wow if only one of you has garlic breath.




(HOT!)

Ginger
"Seasoning your meals with ginger will enhance blood flow to all parts of your body..."[3] Then again, so will sex--at least to the important parts--so either/or works for me.

Nuts
Um, hairy bags o' sperm-manufacturing man-flesh? Not the first thing I think of when I think of sexy. *BUDDDUMMM CHIII*

Pine Nuts
"Zinc is a key mineral necessary to maintain male potency and pine nuts are rich in zinc. Pine nuts have been used to stimulate the libido as far back as Medieval times. Serve pine nut cookies with a dark espresso for a stimulating dessert."[2]

And I must note that some numbskull actually listed ALCOHOL out as an aphrodisiac[1]. Um, der.

Strangely, avocado is noticeably absent from many of these lists, which is nothing short of shocking to me seeing as almost every trip I make for sushi consists of me emitting an embarassing series of brief orgasmic squeakings throughout all of dinner, forcing other restaurant patrons to gasp and avert their eyes in horror.




Thankfully one sexy individual remembered to mention it:

Avocado
"The Aztecs called the avocado tree "Ahuacuatl which translated means "testicle tree". The ancients thought the fruit hanging in pairs on the tree resembled the male's testicles. This is a delicious fruit with a sensuous texture. Serve in slices with a small amount of Balsamic vinegar and freshly ground pepper."[2]


Also: For those of you not in the know, according to "google images," Eminem is also a tasty aphrodisiac, as is a giant flaming heart floating through the balmy oceanic air:



(Let me lick you down, you vegan bitches.)




Now that that's all said and done:

Someone get the hell over to my house stat so I can do some avocado body-shots off of you and get this van a-rockin'!

----------
[1]"Foods of Love"

[2]"Aprhodisiac Foods"

[3]"Vegan Aphrodisiacs"

Other reading:

"The Aphrodisiac"

Well, Shit! Happy Half-Assed Vegan Anniversary to Me!

I totally thought my vegan anniversary was in February, so here I am all ho-humming away, just waiting to bust out my list of favorite recipes from the past year. And then suddenly today I noticed that my anniversary was back on January 22 and that I'm just a moron. So then I thought maybe I got confused because my BLOG anniversary was in February. But that's in March. So I'm just like Moron to the 100th Power. Moron me up! Woot woot!

Anyways, since today's about midway between both anniversaries, I've decided I'm gonna post my favorite recipes from the past year *TODAY*. So there.

Brief nostalgia: How funny it is how much things have changed since I started blogging back in 2006? Thankfully my picture-taking abilities have improved (and my pics have evolved beyond the "Bigfoot Shot" featured below). I *do* sort of miss the rating system though. Sort of short and sweet, though a bit overly-reductive:

(Click for bigger version)


Those sure were the days though... *Tear*


Anyways, on to the my favorite recipes of the past year!




RECIPES THAT I HEART ENOUGH THAT THEY'VE BECOME REGULARS



Without a doubt, the TOP 2:



Mock Tuna Salad

I make this ALL the fricking time. So very very simple, and so incredibly addictive.





VwaV Chocolate Chip Cookies

Lately it feels like I make these ever other weekend. But they're SO very ooey gooey and give my sweet-tooth some serious action.





And more...



Chomeur Pudding

Your guests will think you spent a lot of time making this, but in reality, it takes like 10 minutes to whip up before throwing it in the oven.
Again: very simple, but it's got a nice moist consistency, and the syrup is WAY too full of sugary goodness.





PB Cannonballs

They will get you laid. 'Nuff said.





Fettucine with Red Pepper, Artichokes and Chickpeas

Very healthy, very chockfull of flavors.





Creamiest Mac N' Cheez Ever

Requires a lot of pots (potS, not POT, dorks!), but well worth the effort. Decadently rich and creamy. You'll never pine over old-school mac n' cheese again.




RECIPES THAT MADE ME THINK "SHIT I FORGOT ABOUT HOW GOOD THAT WAS--I TOTALLY NEED TO MAKE THAT AGAIN!"


Mexican Chocolate Cake

Hot and spicy. Just like I like my fellas. Chocolatey and rich. Just like I like the things I smear all over my fellas and then lick off.





Grilled Ratatouille Salad

Sexy. And yet light. A good summer dish.





Flantastic Black Bean Walnut Enchiladas

Very scrumptious and flavorful.





Southwestern Black Bean Potato Salad

Yumtastic. A good picnic food.





Chocolate and PB Rice Krispie Bars

My sweet toof luvs them. Nice and chewy like old-school Rice Krispie treats, but better cuz they gots peanut butter and chocolate.





Late Summer Succotash

Beany and clean-tasting. Not as in "tastes like cleaning solvent" but as in "crisp and fresh-tasting, just like you'd want a summer dish to taste."





Zucchini and Mushroom Lasagna

A lot of effort, but so decadent and awesomely rich-tasting that it's well worth your while.





Quick Curried Red Lentil Soup with Vegetables

I have a hard time not putting apples in anything curry-related now. YOU'VE SPOILED ME, SOUP!





Steph's Very Kick-ass Chili

I'm making this again for my friend P's Anti-V-day/Singles Awareness party next week. So spicy and zippy with an unusual and clean aftertaste from the fennel.





Beans and Brat

Ridiculously simple, and yet I find myself craving this ALL the time. So yum.

More of "The Most Bizarre Google Searches By Which People Stumble Across This Blog" and Lindy Loo Presses Her Luck with Expiration Dates

A list of new gems for your reading pleasure. (For older gems, click HERE)

• shit in water p0rn


• pulses lentile beans and libido


• can tomato skins show up in feces


• cheap vegan blog [oh hell YES i'm cheap, babies--*flashing my garter at you while twirling my fake-feather boa*]


• vegans are nasty [see "cheap vegan blog"]


• pesto problems


• shit on my shoe p0rn


• p0rn shit in cup


• why is boston cream pie called pie instead of cake


• garlic jims vegetarian ingredients


• shit creampie


• whores in platform shoe [ha ha ha--how this brought someone to my page, I'll never quite know]


• pussy taste like avocado [if THAT was true, then I'd TOTALLY be lesbianing it up]

So last week, after reading about The Vegan Ronin's General Tso's Tofu, I decided to splurge and use some of my Giant Eagle gift card on the Iron Chef brand General Tso's sauce (and, of course, beer). I then went home and whipped up a stirfry using the vegan "lamb" that's been sitting in my freezer for months.



Upon busting out the vegan "lamb," I noticed that it had expired about a month prior. But since I like to live dangerously (*whipping out my nipple clamps and bright blue 1970s roller skates*), I decided that I'd eat it anyways. (Granted, this probably explains why I felt like I was going to die that weekend, which I mostly attribute to the "hamburger" casserole I made, though I'm sure the chinese toxins in my expired bean curd didn't help.) And although I don't really have a recipe to share--it was basically just broccoli, onions, and vegan "lamb" stirfried in sesame oil and General Tso's sauce, over some angel hair--I've got to tell you this: If you have access to vegan "lamb," holy crap buy it. Because it was like the BEST stuff I've ever had from the Asian market. I love their gong bao "chicken", but this was LEAPS AND BOUNDS better: delicate layers of bean curd that just absolutely melt in your mouth when you bite into them. And the fact that I loved it so much despite it being a month over the expiration should encourage you to seriously consider the gravity of my recommendation. So good.

I'm not sure where I was going with all that.

But yes:

Vegan "lamb"--rocks.

Iron Chef's brand General Tso's sauce--also quite good.

The Vegan Ronin's new fricking Vegan Chocolate Shoppe through etsy's--abrupt change in subject, but also TOTALLY kick=ass!

How cute are these tuxedo pretzels?!? I mean, SERIOUSLY!



Go buy stuff from her. NOW!

Curried Split Pea Soup

Bowl o' baby vomit or surprisingly tasty soup? You decide.


INGREDIENTS:

• 16 oz dried split peas


• 1 T. olive oil


• 1 medium white onion, diced small


• 2 T. fresh ginger, minced (or powdered ginger, to taste--I think I used 1-2 t.)


• 3 cloves garlic, minced


• 8 cups water


• 1 carrot to grate in at the end (optional)


• 2 t. curry powder


• 1 t. ground cumin


• 1/4 t. ground coriander


• 1/4 t. ground cardomom (I omitted this as I didn't have any)
  
• salt to taste


• generous pinch cinnamon

DIRECTIONS

Saute the onions in the olive oil at medium heat for about 5 minutes. Add garlic, ginger and spices. Saute 2 more minutes.

Add the water and stir well. Add the splitpeas. Cover and bring to a boil.

Bring heat back down to medium, let soup simmer for about an hour, until peas are tender. Grate in the carrot and serve. You can garnish with fresh cilantro if you have it on hand.


(recipe from the ppk)