Snowballs & Snowboobies

So I, of course, had to bring you some final food erotica to ring in the New Year. It just wouldn't be right if I didn't.

As I mentioned a couple weeks ago, I had a little pre-Xmas shindig, prior to Xmas (duh). And for shits and giggles, I decided it just wouldn't be Xmas if my sugar cookies didn't include anatomically-correct snowmen and snowwomen.

So I busted out the cookie cutters, busted out the pseudo-rolling-pins (aka. beer bottles), and suckered my friend MC into helping out. Now, I've seen many a penis, but it's surprisingly hard (buddumm chiii) to fashion one on a snowman. So thankfully MC skillfully rolled and fashioned and fashioned and rolled several snowmen penii that were so delectably perfect that the snowwomen I'd created were having a hard (buddumm chii) time keeping their hands off of them. Very quickly, the kitchen was a-flutter with snowpenii, snowbajingos, snowballs, snowthreesomes, snowtwosomes, and even a snowonesome. It was *madness*.

Once we finally managed to split them all up, we thrust them into the oven to bake.

Thankfully, Pavlina's recipe is a good one. So the cookies ended up turning out real nice, peepees all intact.

And despite all his whining about "never having baked a cookie before" and his skillfully crafted air of indifference towards his creations, MC *did* end up nonchalantly inquiring a few days later about whether or not I was gonna end up posting pics of some of the cookies he made.

So post them I am (click on pics for the x-rated versions).

May I present to you, MC's c0ck & balls:


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INGREDIENTS:

Cookie Dough:

• 3/4 c. vegan margarine


• 1 c. vegan sugar


• Egg replacer for 2 eggs


• 1/4 t. pure vanilla extract


• 2.5 c. flour


• 1 t. salt


• 1 t. baking powder

Frosting:

• 3 T. margarine


• Dash of salt


• 1/2 t. vanilla


• 1.5 c. powdered sugar


• Nondairy milk



• Vegan sprinkles for decorating

DIRECTIONS

In a mixing bowl, cream margarine and sugar together. Blend in egg replacer and vanilla. Add sifted flour, salt, and baking powder. Combine to form a dough. Cover with plastic wrap and chill about 1-2 hours.

Preheat oven to 350° F.

Roll dough to desired thickness, approximately 1/8- to 1/4-inch thick, and use cookie cutters to form shapes.

Place cookies on a baking sheet lined with parchment paper. Bake for 8-10 minutes or until just starting to brown. Cool on racks.

Once cookies are cooled, beat the frosting ingredients in a medium bowl until frosting is fluffy. Add enough milk to reach your desired frosting consistency. Spread frosting on cooled cookies. Decorate with sprinkles or colored sugar.

(recipe as posted by Erin Pavlina at MotheringDotCommune, originally found in her cookbook, Vegan Family Favorites)

Lazy Robot

I am a fucking lazy robot.

I have a recipe I could post, but I was too lazy to take pictures of it to post. And now I am too lazy to post it, sans pictures.



I have been busy and preoccupied as of late. I heart the holidays because a bunch of my friends will be in town that I haven't seen in a while, so I've been busting out the mistletoe and candy-cane pasties in preparation for that. And I'm having another holiday party on Saturday, so I've been preparing for that as well. (And by preparing, I mostly just mean "sitting around and thinking, Gee, I have a holiday party on Saturday--I really should start actually *doing* something in preparation for it.")

So sue me.

Even sadder is the fact that--please, my darlings: do not start to cry--today is the last you will be hearing from me until the New Year.



But have no fear: I will return with many a new recipe. Many a new food-related sexual innuendo. And maybe even--*listening to the angels' bells ring as the Christmas spirit swells within us all*--a story or two about having done your mom.

Until then, my lovelies, have a very joyous week.

Smooches to you all.

Bazu-Dumpling Love...

How much does Bazu love dumplings?

	So much that she's going to get a body-change operation to become a dumpling.
	So much that she's going to change her last name to Dumpling.
	So much that she had sweet sweet night-long Tantric sex with a dumpling last night, and that's why she's so discombobulated today.
	So much that she's created a new blog called Bazu Does It Dirty With Dumplings.

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Slow Cooker Vegetable Vindaloo

Oh what to say about vindaloo and slow-cookers? What to say what to say?

Well, I *can* say that I've been enjoying dabbling with my slow-cooker (wow--I can't even get out perfectly benign sentences without them sounding somewhat pervy) thanks to E who very kindly donated it to me when he moved. In one respect, I don't quite *get* the point of the slow-cooker: why take 8 hours to cook something when you could cook it in less than 2? (I know, I know--you don't have to keep an eye on that, you can leave the house, etc. etc., but STILL...) In another respect, I like using it simply for the fact that it makes me want to waddle around the kitchen with an apron and some tow-headed kids scrapping around my knees while I try to cook. It makes me feel all Julia Childlike and shit.




As for the recipe, it's quite good. I just realized that I forgot to throw in the cilantro, so I'll be doing so with the leftovers tonight, and I also think I may have used too much ginger powder (so I cut down on the quantity here), but nonetheless: worth trying out. It is *beyond* easy, and it's the perfect type of food to be whipping up when the thermometer is wobbling around the 15-degree mark...


INGREDIENTS:

• 6 c. cauliflower florets


• 2 15.5-oz cans chickpeas, rinsed and drained


• 2 large leeks, white and light green parts sliced into 1-inch pieces (1.5 c.)


• 1 c. tomato sauce


• 1/4 c. water


• 1/4 c. vinegar (or white wine vinegar)


• 2 t. ginger powder (or 2 T. minced fresh ginger)


• 2 T. curry powder


• 2 cloves garlic, minced


• 2 t. ground cumin


• 1 t. ground cinnamon


• 1 t. red pepper sauce, like Tabasco


• 3 T. chopped cilantro


• 3 c. cooked basmati rice

DIRECTIONS

Combined cauliflower, chickpeas, leeks, tomato sauce, vinegar, ginger, curry powder, garlic, cumin, cinnamon, red pepper sauce, and water in a 4-qt. slow-cooker. Season with salt and pepper. Cook on hight 3 hours, stirring occasionally.

Transfer Vindaloo to large bowl, and cool 15 minutes. Stir in cilantro, and serve over basmati rice.

(Serves 8)

(Original recipe from the Jan./Feb. 2008 issue of The Vegetarian Times, p. 37)

Veggies & Dumplin's

Yeah, I have no recipe to share with you for this, so instead I leave you with the urging to run out and buy Vegan Family Favorites at some point, since it has some damn good homestyle vegan recipes in it. Particularly tasty are the Veggies and Dumplings featured in the book. Everytime I make paprikash, I find myself wrestling with the dumpling-recipe--they either end up too fluffy or too doughy. However, Pavlina has the perfect dumpling recipe here, and I most certainly plan on snagging it and using it all multi-purposey in my other recipes now. And despite the fact that the Veggies and Dumplings recipe has ridiculously few ingredients (somehow nutritional yeast and veggie broth go a LONG way here), it is a fricking good-god tasty recipe that will warm your belly while the weather outside blusters and blows.

Ah, blows.

*Ingesting some more sugar and listening to Peaches in an attempt to distract myself*

Mmmm, Peaches... Arghlhglghl.

VwaV Chocolate Chip Cookies

When I told my friend Mo recently that I've had INSANE cravings for sugar lately, she said "It's because you haven't gotten laid in a while. You just need to get laid, and problem solved."

Easy 'nuff.

But since *that* hasn't panned out quite yet, I instead spent last Friday baking just a wee bit shy of three dozen VwaV chocolate chip cookies, and then nearly plowed my way through all of them. By myself. I guess it's sort of the equivalent of cookie masturbation or something.

But damn--if this is what cookie-'bation tastes like, then 'bate me the hell up! Because these are some damn good, freakishly tasty, deliciously molassesey cookies.

And if you're not into the whole self-love thing (For shame! To quote Woody Allen: "Don't knock masturbation; it's sex with someone I love..."), then they *could* very well GET you laid. When I made these a couple weeks ago, I watched a boy plow through 10 of them within two hours. TEN of them.

Again: nuff said.

So my advice is this: If you haven't gotten laid lately, strip down to your skivvies (or to the skin-suit you were born in) and whip these babies up. They may not be as good as sex, but then again, they're not gonna roll over and fall asleep two minutes after you've done the deed.* And for that reason alone: priceless.

INGREDIENTS:

• 1 c. vegan margarine, at room temp


• 1 1/4 c. sugar


• 1 T. molasses


• 2 t. vanilla extract


• 2 1/2 c. all-purpose flour


• 1 t. baking soda


• 1 t. salt


• 1 1/2 c. semi-sweet chocolate chips

DIRECTIONS

Preheat the oven to 350 F.

Cream the margarine and sugar with a hand mixer (or by hand) until fluffy. Add the molasses and vanilla and incorporate.

Add the dry ingredients to this mixture and mix until a dough forms. Fold the chocolate chips into the dough.

Roll dough into 1 inch balls or drop by tablespoons onto ungreased cookie sheets.

Bake for 8 to 10 minutes until mildly browned. Allow the cookies to cool on the baking sheets for 5 minutes. Then transfer to cooling racks, cool and enjoy!

(As reposted at Recipezaar)


----------
* I must admit, I've never actually had a boy do this, so either it's a big fat stereotype or I'm just really really good in the sack. Perhaps a bit of both. Perhaps. A. Bit. Of. Both.

In lieu of a recipe this morning, I leave you with this (and the hope that I will post something more recipe-ish later on)...

I am the queen of all vegan klutzes when in the kitchen. It is rare for a week to go by without me disastrously destroying SOME sort of kitchen item in the most Charlie-Chaplin-esque pratfall type of way possible. In the past two weeks, I've demolished a plate and also the casserole dish that I'd just newly acquired (to my deepest dismay).

Well, yesterday, while cooking up some mac n' cheese, I managed not to actually break anything, but I instead had the most vegan-erotic, Flashdance-esque moment ever had by a fellow human-being in their kitchen...

As I went to pour soy milk into the pot out of my large jug of soy milk, I lost my grip on it, and it fell, hitting the stove on the way down and ricocheting a fine stream of milk through the air and all over my shirt and pants. As it did so, I of course thrust my head back, my hair swinging dramatically through the air, and arched my back (ever so erotically) in an attempt to avoid the sudden soy-milk storm. Which was of course unsuccessful, resulting in me standing there with my boobs pushed out, looking like the winner of a weird one-woman vegan wet-t-shirt contest.




I then did what I somehow always manage to do, which is to make the situation worse, this time by overcompensating for the spill and trying to grab the container on the way to the floor, which instead sent it into another tailspin, in which it flipped the remainder of its contents through the air, all over my stove, and all over the floor.

I stood there, horrified and stunned, soymilk dripping from the shirt now clinging to my ample bosom (I *so* should be writing food-erotica, no?), soy milk dripping from my hair, soy milk dripping from my fuzzy Grinch slippers, staring at my kitchen which now looked like a dozen babies had projectile-vomited everywhere, and I thought of you, dear readers. I thought of you.

Because I know that, despite all my klutzy vegan foibles, you love me. Or at least put up with me.

And for that, I am very thankful this holiday season.

Hee hee.

Snowballs (Aka. Mexican Wedding Cookies, Aka. Russian Tea Cakes)

What's the difference between a snowman and a snowgirl?

SNOWBALLS!

Think about THAT while you're letting these scrumptious and delicate snowballs melt in your mouth!

Mmmmm. Snowman testicles. Arghlghlhgl.



Stuffing your mouth full of these has never had such very odd implications before.

INGREDIENTS:

• 1 c. vegan non-hydrogenated margarine


• 1/4 c. granulated sugar


• 2 t. vanilla


• 2 c. all-purpose flour, sifted


• 2 c. raw pecans, almonds, walnuts, or hazelnuts (I used a mix of the first three), finely chopped


• 2 c. powdered sugar, sifted

DIRECTIONS

Preheat oven to 300F. Line a cookie sheet (or two) with parchment paper (or use non-stick ones).

Cream the vegan margarine, granulated sugar, and vanilla until light and fluffy, about 1-2 minutes. Add the flour, mixing until thoroughly combined. Add your nuts (hee hee), mixing until well-blended, about 30 seconds.

Measure out generously-rounded teaspoonfuls of dough, and roll into balls. Place about an inch apart on your sheet(s). Bake until they just begin to turn golden, about 30 minutes. To tes for doneness, remove one cookie from the sheet and cut in half. There should be no doughy strip in the center.

Roll cookies in the powdered sugar while they're still hot. Cool on baking sheets before serving.

Makes about 3-dozen snowman testicles.

(from VegNews, Nov/Dec. 2007, p. 76)

*The Sound of Trumpets and Fanfare*--Finally, I Bring You 'Tales from a Post-Tday Veg Gathering'!!

Finally.

Finally we have made it to tales and recipes from my Post-Tday Veg Gathering, and wouldn't you know it: I'm too tired out to talk about it in depth.

But I'll try nonetheless.

Awesome thing #1 about the Post-Tday Veg Gathering: I got to finally meet The Vegan Ronin in all her delightful and cute glory. And she was actually exactly like I expected her to be: delightful, cute, and delightfully and cutely tattooed. She also bakes a wonderful quiche and has mad skillz when it comes to creating Ohio-shaped vegan margarine pads. So woot woot to all that.




Break in awesomeness to fill you in on what we ate:

• Peppermint's kick-ass homemade foccacia (this is the second time she's made this for one of my party's, and I still haven't managed to get a picture of it because I end up hogging it all down before I remember);


• My vegan paprikash--I was a bit disappointed with this, unfortunately. This time, I decided to add these faux-chicken chunks that I saw at the Web of Life recently, and they were strange little chunks, kind of like wee faux-chicken tampons, immediately sucking up EVERY SINGLE OUNCE OF MOISTURE within a 1-mile radius. Thank god my toilet-lid was closed, that's all I can say. Also, the dumplings turned out weirdly soft. *BUT* the good news is that E shared with me another recipe from Vegan Family Favorites, I believe, that crafts the most wonderfully perfect dumplings ever, so that should solve this problem. All in all, it wasn't remotely close to as good as last year. *ALTHOUGH* I realized that I really need to start making this a day ahead of time and just reheating it on the day of a gathering, because it tastes SO much better once it's sat overnight;


• The Vegan Ronin's quiche;


• Chocolate Bread Pudding with Rum Sauce;


• Dave's Awesome Apple Crisp--what was so awesome about this, you ask? Well, the fact that he understands what makes apple crisp so damn good, which is not so much the apples as it is the crisp. In this case, he doubled the crisp-part of the recipe, so it was all about the sweet sweet brown-sugary decadence; and


• Russian Tea Cakes, aka. Mexican Wedding Cookies, aka. snowballs from VegNews.

Awesome thing #2: My favorite food-item to grace the post-Tday Veg Gathering was the indomitable Steph's Very Kick-Ass Chili, whose recipe (and secret ingredient) she was kind enough to share so that I could post it today. For those of you who've been reading this blog for awhile, you may remember Steph as the creator of Steph's Sockarooni Pasta, one of my favorite easy vegan standards (which I will, in fact, probably be whipping up again this weekend). Well, Steph is a bad-ass in the kitchen when it comes to beans, clearly, as she's also created this *amazingly* good chili. What makes this chili worth writing home about? Well, not only is it rich and feisty-tasting, thick with beans and roasty flavorings, and wonderfully spicy to boot, but Steph's secret ingredient (fennel seeds) balances the heat of the chili with a wonderfully cool clean taste reminiscent of licorice. Well, that's just plain strange, you may be thinking. But holy crap--do not knock it until you try it. And do not make this recipe *without* the fennel seeds, since it truly is the key ingredient in making this baby stand way the hell out from other chilis.

All that being said, I now share with you the recipe for Steph's Very Kick-Ass Chili, as written by the very kick-ass Steph...

STEPH'S VERY KICK-ASS CHILI




INGREDIENTS:

• 3 large white onions (diced)


• 1 28-oz can of crushed tomatoes


• 3 cans of black beans


• 1 box of Boca crumbles


• 4 poblano peppers


• 2 small cans of chopped chili peppers


• olive oil


• kosher salt


• fennel seeds


• chili powder


• chipotle powder

DIRECTIONS

Sautee the onions in olive oil until tender. Throw them in a pot (medium heat) with the tomatoes, beans, soy crumbles, and 1 of the cans of chili peppers.

Rub the poblano peppers with olive oil, sprinkle them with salt and put them in the oven at 400 degrees until the skins blister (15 minutes or so). Pull them from the oven, discard seeds, stems and skins (you might want to use gloves. My poor sensitive little hands were burning for several minutes after this step. I'm OK. Don't worry about me....go on without me...THUD). Place the peppers in a food processor along with the remaining can of chilis. Puree the peppers, and pour them into the pot of ingredients. Add a generous amount of fennel seeds (like a tablespoon or more), mix well and simmer for a few minutes. Add a dash of chipotle powder and chili powder. Stir and give it a minute before you taste it. You won't need much seasoning and you can always add a little more if needed.

This chili is also good over veggie hot dogs, and can be sensually licked off of nipples (just seeing if you're still paying attention).

Walnut-and-Apple Stuffing

Admittedly not the most flattering of pics--
it mostly just looks like I'm forcing a photo
of unattractive moist bread upon you...

I am in such slacker-mode lately that I keep having to force myself to post.

I think I need to hire some dude with a large whip (*hrm--that sounds dirtier than I'd meant it to, for once*) to stand behind me at work and crack it at me over and over so that I throw some recipes up here more often. (Not throw up as in "vomit" but as in "post.") Good god, my words are just stumbling into their own fiendish misunderstandings today!

I don't think my workplace would be up for the guy with the large whip and assless chaps (I added the last part on just because guys in assless chaps are funny), but still. IT SHALL BE DONE, so if you are interested in the job, let me know. I pay in cookies.

On to the stuffing: I was lazy and didn't feel like roasting chestnuts. In fact, I was so lazy that I didn't even look around hard enough in the produce section of my grocery store to figure OUT whether they have chestnuts TO roast. I just kind of half-squinted and then was like, Alas--no chestnuts. So instead I used walnuts.

I must admit retrospectively that I suspect the chestnuts would be much better. I think they're probably a bit more moist than walnuts, which would've probably allowed the recipe to cling together like a real stuffing should a little bit more. Mine was a bit more crumbly than I would've liked. *BUT* I think you could probably still use the walnuts if you just maybe add a wee bit more "chicken" soup to the mix. Also, I would've liked more apple as well. But maybe that's just me.

Nonetheless: recipe:

INGREDIENTS:

• 10 slices whole-wheat bread, cubed


• 10 slices white bread, cubed


• 1 14-oz. tube soy "sausage" crumbled


• 1 T. olive oil


• 1 large white onion, chopped (about 1/5 c.)


• 5 ribs celery, sliced (about 1.5 c.)


• 4 cloves garlic, minced


• 2 tart apples, peeled and diced


• 1 c. walnuts (or if you wanna stick to the original recipe, 1 c. peeled and ready-to-eat roasted chestnuts, halved)


• 1/4 c. chopped fresh sage


• 1.5 c. no chicken broth

DIRECTIONS

Preheat oven to 325F. Spread bread cubes in roasting pan and bake 10-15 minutes or until toasted.

Coat nonstick skillet with cooking spray and heat over medium-high heat. Add soy sausage, and cook 5 minutes or until browned. Toss sausage with bread cubes in a bowl.

Heat oil in same skillet over medium-high heat. Add onion, celery, and garlic, and saute 1 minute. Reduce heat to low, cover, and cook 7 minutes more. Stir in apples, walnuts or chestnuts, and sage. Cover, and cook 5 minutes, or until apples are crisp-tender. Add to bread mixture. (Stuffing can be prepped up to this point, sealed in a food storage bag, and refrigerated up to 2 days.)

Increase oven heat to 350F. Coat 13x9-inch baking dish with cooking spray. Toss stuffing mixture with broth, and season with salt and pepper. Spoon into prepared baking dish. Cover with foil and bake 20 minutes. Removed foil and bake 15 minutes more, or until top is browned and crisp.

Serves 12.

(Modified from the Vegetarian Times, Nov./Dec. Issue, p. 86)