Vegan Rainman

I am kind of the non-awesome version of Rainman: I can't tally up the thousands of matches I just dropped on the floor within three seconds of them landing. But my brain is constantly working its way around some weird food-math in my head each time I eat.

For example: when I eat a toasted bagel, one half gets just butter, and the other gets peanut butter and butter. The peanut butter one > in awesome tastiness than the butter one, so it gets eaten last. Not only does it get eaten last, the final bite of said peanut butter half must be the bite that seems to have the most deliciously decadent mix of melty margarine and melty peanut butter. So most of the consumption of the pb side of the bagel also entails some navigating and exploring and trying to identify which should be the glorious last bite. All of which turns the bagel into not just an enjoyable meal but a mission.

Pretty much any other dish undergoes the same mathematics. If I have two or more items on my dish, I spend most of the meal assessing which is the more amazing of the two. Whichever it is gets carefully chosen to be the last bite to enter my mouth before the plate is cleared. The only exception to the rule: if I'm going out in public after dinner and the more delicious of the two foods is the stinkier of the two foods (i.e. something wickedly garlicky) then the less stinky > than the stinky and is eaten last.

Other weird food math: You don't buy a salad as your entree when out for dinner. Granted, I'm not a salad enthusiast, so that's part of this algorithm. But more importantly: leaves of green in a bowl with toppings thrown on it should NEVER cost $9. Maybe that's not so much math as principle though. And generalized Lindy Loo cheapness.

Similarly: smoothies are not a food and DEFINITELY not a meal because you cannot chew them. That's not really math, but it's still a fairly steadfast food principle of mine.

Pizza is also part of my weird food-math:

Normally I make a pizza crust from [the book whose name I don't feel like looking up and always forget], mainly because I can refrigerate or freeze half of it and use it on a later date. The current half? Well, I pretty much dough it out into the biggest crust I can possibly fit on my pizza stone. Not because it tastes awesomer that way but because in my head, why would I make a tiny thick pizza when I could make a huge-ass thin pizza? I mean, it's all the same amount of crust, I know this, but knocking back 4 enormous slices for a meal instead of two thick chode slices seems like I'm doing a lot more eating is what I'm saying.

So THIS was a rarity:



Deep dish pizza. I mostly just wanted to try making one, thinking that somehow I would realize my pizza math was skewed and in reality, the deep dish math actually IS awesomer. But the truth is: it's not. At least not at home. 'Cause it just doesn't taste kick-ass the way a deep-dish in Chicago would, you know? And eating only two pieces as half of the pizza just seems anticlimactic.

Thus, Rainman sayeth: the truth still remains--the larger the pizza, the better for my belly.

Also, half of you are probably itching to call me OCD right now, but I assure you: it's not true. *Washing my hands over and over to cleanse them from the thought*

Is That an Enchilada in Your Pocket, Or Are You Just Happy to See Me?

Made these enchiladas the other night, and they made an ass-ton. They were good but not phenomenal, so I'm only going to half-assedly post the recipe here until I tweak it into perfection. They were definitely missing a green of some sort and also something a bit more stiff (twss?) to balance out the mushiness of the black beans, refried beans, and potatoes. I guess what I'm saying is, they could be improved. So take this recipe and have your way with it.

Ingredients:
About 7 small/medium potatoes, diced
One large can of black beans, drained
Two small cans of vegan refried beans
Two small cans of enchilada sauce
One nice big bag of daiya cheddar cheese
About 12 tortillas
Sliced black olives (optional)

What to do:
Preheat oven to about 425F. Toss the diced potatoes with some olive oil and seasonings of choice, in my case garlic powder and chili powder, and spread over large a foil-lined cookie sheet. Bake until tender and browned (between 20 and 30 minutes) but don't overbake since they'll be getting another round of cookery.

Spread enough enchilada sauce to coat the bottom of two 9x13 baking pans. Once potatoes are cooked, remove from oven. Take a tortilla, smear a healthy spoonful or two of refried beans down the center of it and toss a generous amount of black beans and potatoes on top. Drizzle a tiny bit of enchilada sauce inside. Roll up and place in pan. Repeat with the remaining tortillas. Distribute the rest of your enchilada sauce among both pans, pouring it over your rolled up tortillas so that they are completely coated. Distribute the cheese evenly over the tortillas in both pans.

Cover pans with foil and cook in oven for about 30 minutes. Remove foil, toss your diced olives over the contents of both pans, and cook for about ten minutes more, until sauce is bubbly.

Garnish with cilantro or lettuce or salsa or whatever the heck else you can think of.

Ponder adding some greens next time.

Apparently I was talking about collecting recipes in my sleep last night...

I kind of love that even my subconscious is a total foodie nerd.

Things I Put in My Mouth Last Night:

(Leftover vegan reuben (left) and roasted garlic tomato soup (right)
from Melt Bar & Grilled)




(Beer)




(Your mom)

I hate to implement comment moderation on this blog...

But if I get ONE more comment from Viagra douchebags about my plump gnocchi, I'm gonna swear off cocks for the rest of my life, and that somehow seems hasty and unfortunate (not for me, but for the fellers), so: comment moderation it is.

Go suck a flaccid dick, Viagra.

I'd share this recipe with you...

But then I'd have to kill you.

And we don't want that now, do we??



Essentially this is my version of the red curry noodle stew at Bac which I am madly in love with. But since the owner of Bac was kind enough to tell me what all his special ingredients are, I'm gonna be kind enough not to blab it. But think: tofu, snow peas, carrots, and Japanese eggplant.

And although mine definitely was missing that indefinable spark that amazing cooks infuse into their own recipes, it WAS pretty damn good nonetheless.

But I assure you: If you wanna try the real thing, stop in at Bac sometime. You won't regret it.

Way Better Than Avatar 3D, It's Charred Kale w/Sesame Seeds 3D!!!

This is my favorite side dish of the moment, and although there's not a specific recipe, I can at least give you a general idea of how to make it so you can try it out. 'Cause seriously: so damn simple and so damn good.

For one serving, heat a teaspoon or two of EVO on medium-high in a pan. (You can cook the kale without EVO too, but it definitely adds a bit more flavor.) Toss in several fistfuls of rinsed kale. Toss with the oil. Cover. Let cook for a few minutes and then toss in a tiny bit of water and replace the lid (this will just help steam it some). Don't stir too often because you actually WANT it to char a bit. Let it cook until the leaves brighten in color and have started to get tender. Shake some sea salt on top and cover again. Cook until it reaches your desired tenderness and the majority of leaves have some char on them. Shake a bountiful amount of sesame seeds on it and cook a minute more until seeds have browned a little. Pour into a bowl. Don 3D glasses. Eat it like a rockstar.

Yay to Brain Normality Brownies!!!

So I mentioned my three stank-ass bananas just the other day. And, oh doubters, I know you've been doubting up a storm thinking all sorts of doubtfulness about my doubtful assertion that I'd post pictures and a recipe. So

IN YOUR FACE-LOVING FACE!!!

The brownies above are actually naked, modified versions of the banana split brownies in Vegan with a Vengeance, but nonetheless: so so so so good. And banana-y. The only major changes I made with the recipe were to account for the fact that I only had 1 and a half cups of mushy bananas. So everything you see listed below for the topping layer: I halved it, and yet it still came out scrumptious. I also didn't slice up bananas to throw on top either. Next time I make these though, I definitely definitely will, because their glorious ooey gooeyness would surely be amped up by a sweet layer of delicious banana slices.

My opinion of the recipe? I have yet to find a vegan brownies recipe that captures the consistency of brownies dead-on. I tried ones that were really really close at Foodgazi. But baking them myself: they always seem more cake-like or (in the opposite extreme), more mush, than your average brownie. That being said: these were lacking in the slightly crumbly density of a heavy-duty brownie, but what they were lacking in density they made up for in both flavor and moistness. They are fudgy and delicious, and I would definitely make them again. With some extra sloppy bananas on top. That's what she said!



INGREDIENTS:

BROWNIES

• 4 oz. semisweet chocolate, chopped (or 2/3 c. semisweet chocolate chips)


• 1 c. very ripe banana, mashed (about 2 large)


• 1/3 c. canola oil


• 1 c. sugar


• 1 t. vanilla extract


• 3/4 c. all-purpose flour


• 1/4 c. cocoa powder


• 1/4 t. baking soda


• 1/8 t. salt

TOPPING LAYER

• 1 cup very ripe banana, mashed


• 2 tablespoons sugar


• 1/4 cup soymilk


• 1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract


• 1 tablespoon arrowroot or corn starch

DIRECTIONS

Preheat oven to 350°F.

Spray a 9x13-inch baking pan with nonstick cooking spray or very lightly grease with oil. Alternately you can also line your pan with parchment paper.

TO MAKE THE BROWNIE BATTER: Melt the chocolate by placing in a pan or heat-proof mixing bowl over a small pot of boiling water. (Or you can melt it at 50% power in the microwave.) Stir with a heatproof spatula until completely melted, then remove from heat and set aside to cool.

In a large mixing bowl, combine 1 cup of mashed banana, the oil, and the sugar. Use a handheld mixer to beat everything together for about a minute. If you don't have a mixer, use a strong fork and mix for about 3 minutes. Mix in the vanilla and melted chocolate.

In a separate bowl, sift together the flour, cocoa powder, baking soda, and salt. Add this to the banana mixture in batches, mixing with the hand mixer as you go along. Mix for about 1 minute more.

PREPARE THE BANANA TOPPING: In a small bowl, combine all topping ingredients and mix with the hand mixer (remember to rinse the beaters off first) for about a minute.

TO ASSEMBLE AND BAKE THE BROWNIES: Spread the brownie batter evenly into baking pan. Pour the banana topping over that and spread evenly.

Bake for 30 minutes. Remove from oven and let cool.

After about 15 minutes, move it to the fridge until fully cooled.

Cut into twelve squares, place a few slices of banana on top of each portion, and serve.


(Recipe from Vegan with a Vengeance, posted at Food.com)

Son of a man-eating pilgrim!

Um, yeah: If you haven't noticed, I've kind of been messing with the look of this page. And if you also haven't noticed, I kinda moved all the links from the sidebar onto their own page. And if you also ALSO haven't noticed (being that *I* failed to notice this one as well): I erased every goddamn vegan food-blog link that once had a home in my sidebar.

There's still other links. But I used to have dozens and dozens of food-blogs going on for you all to peruse.

So please excuse me while I squish behind the bleachers for a minute and sniffle just a little.

And... done.

So, if you have a vegan food blog:

Post your link IN THIS POST any time this month, and at the beginning of April, I'll compile them all again.

PLEASE NOTE THOUGH: It has to be a vegan blog. And it has to be a food blog. I have nothing against vegetarian blogs (you guys rock hardcore too), but I want folks to know that if they click on a vegan food blog link, they're not gonna be reading recipes that call for cheese or milk or eggs or something.

And if you have a vegan blog but it's not a food blog but you just love me and want so so so so so badly to see your blog linked here, when you post your link, just please note that it's a vegan CULTURE blog, not a vegan food blog, and I'll make a concession and pop your link elsewhere. For the low low price of three dozen cookies.

What what.

Now get to it!

Three Stanky Bananas

I have three stanky, mush-tastic bananas sitting on my counter, and the Veganomicon banana brownies recipe seems to be calling my name...

Stay tuned later this week and you MAY actually see some pics and a recipe posted here!



PS. This banana is kind of hypnotic.
PSS. That's what she said.

So I start posting again...

And the number of visits to this page GOES DOWN. Dramatically.

Negativereinforcementsayswhat?

Try not to get so jealous that you poop your pants...

But my brother got me sweets from Sweet V Confections for my birthday. Just got them in the mail today and am trying with every ounce of willpower in me not to consume all of them in one gluttonous blackout of gorgery.

Check 'em:



Already tried the peanut butter cookies & puppy chow and they are MAGNIFIQUE.

So go support an etsy vegan and buy some. And put in a good word for me as a referral 'cause maybe if enough of you buy some based on this link, the owner will send me free shit. ; )

So if you live in Cleveland...

Check this shit out:



Vegan cooking classes!

The women are wise, witty, and wonderful.

And the food is fantastic too.



Look at that: a post. Will see if I can make a habit of it.

Wow. This blog has 560 followers??

Talk about guilt.