Bored.

What are five things on your to-do list for today?

1) Finish the goddamn poem
2) Grab lunch with my mom
3) Make it 'til 5pm without falling asleep
4) Meet up with boy for a drink
5) Sleep

What are five snacks you enjoy?

1) Bagels with margarine and peanut butter
2) Fritos
3) Bananas
4) Your mom
5) Your mom's mom

What are five things you would do if you were a billionaire?

1) Buy a new motherf-ing car
2) Donate a bunch of money
3) Quit work. Immediately
4) Open my own place
5) Buy Julian Casablancas and pay him weekly wages to croon to me and also be my love-slave

What are five of your bad habits?

1) Knocking on wood.
2) Getting irritated at having to listen to people chew
3) Saying 'Your Mom' all the time
4) Being awesome (it overshadows other people's lesser-awesomeness)
5) Picking my nose

What are five places where you have lived?

1) Cleveland, OH
2) Athens, OH
3) Kent, OH
4) Cleveland, OH
5) Cleveland, OH

What are five jobs you’ve had?

1) Underpaid McDonald's employee/Taco Bell employee/Kmart Employee
2) Record-toter at Record Exchange
3) Library page
4) Freshman-comp teaching assistant
5) Corporate whore

Tag! You're it if you ...

1) Have a right boob that's bigger than your left.
2) Like to dance the robot.
3) Find a good shit more satisfying than sex.
4) Are vegan.
5) Your mom.

Just copy this survey into your blog if you meet the above criteria, and don't forget to link back to mine.

(Thanks, Vegan Crunk--that kept me entertained for like 5 whole minutes, and that's saying a lot today!)

How to Get Yourself a Man in 2 Simple Steps: Bright Blue 1970s Roller Skates, and Mint Couscous (Which Aren't Really Steps So Much as ITEMS, But Deal)

True story: I once greeted a boy at my door while dressed in a corset, garter, stockings, lacy underwear, and bright blue 1970s roller skates. We were together for like 4+ years after that. And I no doubt owe it all to my bright blue 1970s roller skates.

The Minted Mediterranean Couscous recipe from Christina Cooks: EXACTLY like the aforementioned ensemble. Delicate couscous, sultry roasted red peppers, pungent olives, and chickpeas drizzled in olive oil, orange and lemon juice, and tossed with.... FRAGRANT ZESTY MINT?!?!?!?

Perhaps I am just naive when it comes to flavor medleys, but when I think of olives, red peppers, chickpeas, and citric juices, my mind doesn't immediately jump to mint. In fact, it probably wouldn't EVER jump to mint.

And yet: bright blue 1970s roller skates: it somehow works. Especially coupled with the pungent, bitter olives. They've got this weirdly sexy little dance going on with one another.

Unfortunately I couldn't track the recipe down on the internet to share with you, but I will definitely say--it's worth getting ahold of. So get ye to the library. And also get ye to some 1970s bright blue roller skates. The fellas will be ALL up in that.

BBQ Black-Eyed Pea Collard Rolls

                                    from Veganomicon

I've been digging on collards lately, so I felt compelled to whip these up last week for lunches.

This is one of those relaxing recipes--lots of methodical rolling. And the results are wonderfully bright and summery-looking. Oh, and they also taste good. I ate them as leftovers all week, but I'm guessing they would probably be much better to serve immediately, instead of having them sit around in the fridge (which sogs them up a bit).



The Rolls

INGREDIENTS:

• 1 bunch of collard greens, 12 of the leaves set aside for rolling (pick out the biggest, nicest leaves of the bunch)


• 1 t. oil


• 8 oz. cremini mushrooms, sliced thinly (I could not track 8 oz. of these down, so I used a 4-oz. mix of cremini, oyster, and portabellas)


• 4 c. chopped collards


• 1 15-oz. can black-eyed peas, drained and rinsed


• 3 c. Backyard BBQ Sauce, recipe to follow

DIRECTIONS

Slice off the stems of 12 nice collard leaves (run a knife alongside either side of the stem and then cut it out of the leaf). Boil a large pot of water. Submerge the 12 collard leaves into the boiling water and cook for 6 minutes. When done, use tongs to transfer them to a strainer and let cool. Handle with care!

Preheat a large skillet over medium, and cook the mushrooms in the oil for 5 minutes. Add the chopped collards. Cook for 7-10 minutes until the moisture has cooked off. Add the peas and cook through. Pour on 2 cups of the BBQ sauce and cook until the wateriness is gone. (5-10 minutes). Let cool.

Place a collard on a flat work surface with the side that has not been sliced facing you. Place some of the black-eyed peas mixture in the lower third of the collard. (The recipe says to put 2 T. in each roll, but I was able to generously use 1/4 c. in each, with some of the black-eyed pea mix still left over. It'll all depend on the size of your leaves though.) Fold the bottom up over the mixture, then fold in the sides. Roll the collard up, gently but firmly.

Roll all the collards. When ready to serve, spoon extra BBQ sauce over the rolls.




Easy-Peasy Backyard BBQ Sauce

(makes 4 cups)

INGREDIENTS:

• 1 T. canola oil


• 1 medium yellow onion, chopped very finely


• 4 cloves garlic, minced


• 1/4 t. salt


• 1 tsp red pepper flakes


• 1 28-oz. can crushed tomatoes


• 1/3 c. molasses


• 1/3 c. white vinegar


• 1 T. sugar


• 1 T. yellow mustard


• 2 t. liquid smoke (find in the condiments section)

DIRECTIONS

Preheat a saucepan over medium heat. Cook the onions in the oil until browned, about 7 minutes. Add the garlic and cook for another minute. Add all ingredients from salt through sugar, and cook from 30 minutes to an hour, uncovered, stirring occasionally. Lower the heat if the sauce begins to splatter.

Add the mustard and liquid smoke, and taste. Adjust the flavours if you prefer it sweeter or more sour, and cook for another 5 minutes. If you like your BBQ sauce smooth, grab your blender and puree, but it’s still yummy as a chunky sauce.

(from Veganomicon, recipe posted at Fresh Cracked Pepper)

Fettucine Alfreda

                       from Vegan with a Vengeance


My apologies for the lack of blogging this week. The week was pretty much consumed by The Day of Reckoning and its aftermath (which entailed gratuitous sleeping and gratuitous boozing).

I *DID* manage to squeeze in some cooking this past weekend though, mostly because cooking does wonders to calm my nerves. There's just something so relaxing in the method--the rhythm of dicing, the quietness of measuring, the gentleness of mixing. I heart it.

One of the things I made was the Fettucine Alfreda from VwaV. I'm not quite sure it tastes anything quite like alfredo sauce. It's got ASSLOADS of nutritional yeast in it, which I know will turn many of you off to the recipe immediately. And it looks kind of like you fed a baby a whole bunch of mustard and they got the runs. BUT! BUT BUT BUT! I thought it was fantastique. It's kind of a grown-up version of some of the mac-n-cheez recipes out there. It *IS* salty though, so I omitted the amount of salt originally called for in the recipe, because I think it may be overkill. I also think you could probably use close to a pound's worth of noodles with this sauce as well. It LOOKS like it makes a really small amount, but it's so potently flavored that a little goes a long way.

I served mine with a mix of fried shrooms on top, and I thought it was delish. My mom snacked on some when she watched my cats the other night, and she heartily concurred.

So nooch-haters, be forewarned. The rest of you--get you to your cookbook and try it out.

INGREDIENTS:

• 1/2 lb fettucine (or linguine)


• 2 t. olive oil


• 1 medium size onion, chopped into big chunks


• 4 cloves garlic, chopped


• 1/2 c. water or veg. broth


• 2 t. yellow mustard


• 1/2 c. toasted pinenuts


• 2 t. soy sauce


• 2 t. chili powder


• 1 c. nutritional yeast


• freshly ground black pepper

DIRECTIONS

Prepare pasta according to package.

In a skillet over moderate heat, sautee onions in oil for 3 minutes, until just softened. Add garlic, sautee two more minutes. Transfer to blender and blend with all other ingredients. It should be somewhat smooth but still a bit grainy.

Makes four servings.

(Recipe from VwaV, posted on Livejournal.com)

Balsamic Something-Something Black Bean Something Roasted Red Pepper Something Something Salad

This salad was from The Garden of Vegan. It's called, like, Balsamic Something-Something Black Bean Something Roasted Pepper Something Something Salad. Or something. I dunno. Look up black beans in the index and you should be able to find it. It has roasted peppers, yellow peppers, black beans, parsley, balsamic vinegar, etc.

I'm a bit torn on Garden of Vegan--I've yet to find a recipe that I've been absolutely floored by. They're all just sort of, well, ok. And that's about it.

Oh well.

If nothing else, this salad was colorful.

The Latest in "The Most Bizarre Google Searches by Which People Stumble Across This Blog"

(For previous editions: click HERE.)

I think this first one may be my all-time favorite, mostly just because I picture some dude awkwardly clunking away at his keyboard with hands the size of small Buicks, desperately trying to figure out why, god why...

• what is in cheap hotdogs that would make your hands swell


• why did my banana bread cook up like foam to the touch and not brown


• history of the angel hair with cherry tomatoes and basil was invented


• what is a vegan dessert that tastes like real food


• vegetarian commercial shit cow


• eating the testicles of man


• pumpkin libido


• is oily feces bad


• husband eats shit


• vegans get higher off weed


• oily feces and sushi


• fuck vegans


• no testicles

Sweet Chili Lime Tofu with Wok Steamed Collards and Quinoa

                                    from VeganYumYum
Goddamn.

That's all I have to say about this recipe.

No no no.

God-motherf-ing-damn.

Let us just say, it's moments like these that remind me why everyone loves Lolo's recipes so freaking much. Best thing I've made in months. But if you want to know the whys, hows, and whats of my goddamns, you're just gonna have to make it for yourself.




[*NOTE: Anything that is asterisked in the ingredients below was not used when I cooked this myself.]

INGREDIENTS:

• 1 Block Tofu, extra firm, 14 oz

Sweet Chili Lime Sauce

• 3 T. Sugar


• 3 T. Reduced Sodium Tamari (or soy sauce--if you don't use reduced sodium, definitely cut out the salt below)


• 1 3/4 T. Fresh Lime Juice


• 1/2 Zest of the Lime


• 1/2 t. Red Chili Flakes (or 1-2 fresh hot chilies, minced)


• 1 Clove Garlic, pressed, optional


• 1/4 t. Salt*


• 4 Mint Leaves, chiffonaded

Quinoa

• 3/4 c. Quinoa, rubbed/rinsed in cool water, drained


• 1/2 Zest Lime


• 2 Bruised Cardamom Pods, optional*


• 1 Tiny Stick of Cinnamon (a broken piece of a larger stick), optional*


• 1/4 t. Salt*


• 1 1/3 c. Water


*Other options: For brown rice, adjust water to 1 1/2 cups, for medium/long grain rice, water measurement is the same. Noodles can be boiled, drained, and given a light splash of soy sauce and lime juice for some background flavor. The tofu is very flavorful, so whatever base you choose, it needs only subtle additions, if any at all.

Wok Steamed Collards

• 1 Bunch Collard Greens, middle veins removed, washed


• 2-3 T. Water


• 1 Pinch Salt


• 1 t. Lime Juice

DIRECTIONS

Quinoa:

Option 1: Combine all the ingredients for the quinoa in a pot that has a tight fitting lid. Bring to a boil, then cover and reduce heat to low. Cook for 20 minutes, then turn off heat. Do not open lid. Let steam for 10 minutes before serving.

Option 2: Combine all the ingredients in a rice cooker and let it cook 'til it's all done.

Sauce:

Prepare the sweet chili lime sauce by whisking all of the ingredients together until the sugar and salt is dissolved.

Tofu:

Drain tofu and cut it into small triangles. [I did sort of like Lolo recommends and sliced the block into 8 rectangles, then each rectangle in half to make two squares per rectangle. I cut each square diagonally to make four triangles per square. Tofu geometry is my favorite kind of math! You can cut the tofu however you please, but a thinner, smaller shape will work best for this method.]

Heat a well-seasoned cast iron or non-stick skillet over medium heat. (A 10" skillet will fit all the tofu, so if you're using a smaller skillet, you'll need to do this in batches. In order to properly "dry fry" the tofu, you'll need a pan the tofu won't stick to even without any oil.) Spread the tofu out in one layer in the pan.

Using a spatula, press the tofu. The liquid will squeeze out and boil away, and the tofu will begin to turn golden. The more water that evaporates, the sturdier the tofu will be, so be gentle at first to prevent the tofu from breaking up. After several minutes, flip the tofu over and press the other side. After about 10 minutes of dry frying, you can turn off the heat and set the tofu aside for finishing later, or proceed to adding the sauce. (You might want to set the tofu aside before finishing in order to to prepare the collards, below.)

Collards:

Stack the collard leaves on top of each other, 3-4 at a time, and roll. Slice the roll in 3/4 inch segments. Run your knife through the chopped collards to make smaller pieces, then add them to a wok with the water, lime juice and salt. Cover with any lid that will contain the collards and cook over high heat for 3-4 minutes until the collards are steamed and tender.

[Alternately, you can just use a regular old pot and do the same thing.]

All together now:

To finish the tofu, bring the pan back up to temperature if it's not already very hot. You want to heat the pan and the tofu over high heat, making sure the tofu is hot all the way through. Add the sauce and stir to coat the tofu. Turn off the heat. The sauce will bubble up, reduce, and form a glaze. If it isn't bubbling up and forming a glaze, turn the heat back on high and cook until the glaze is.. well.. glaze-y.

For plating, arrange the collards atop of a bed of quinoa. Add tofu over the top, drizzling any leftover sauce over the dish. Garnish with lime slices and mint leaves. Serve.

(Makes 2-4 servings)

(from Vegan YumYum)

Pasty White-Boy Asscheek Pasta (aka Pasta Genovese)

Seriously: looking at these pics is like looking at pasty white-boy asscheeks that have never seen the light of day. Unappetizing, sickly, anemic-looking, you name it. Pasty white-boy asscheeks.

NONETHELESS, this is seriously f-ing good. What the Hell Does a Vegan Eat mentioned making pasta genovese last week, and I was like, that sounds so damn simple and tasty that I'm just gonna whip up my own on the weekend. And seriously: for those really unbearably hot days, this is a perfect meal. All you have to do is steam your potatoes and green beans and boil up some noodles. And pesto, well, goddamn. I mean, it's basil season, folks. So you could make bucketloads of this for dirt-cheap right now. (I've actually been making batches of it and freezing it in ice cube trays--a hint I procured from some other blog so long ago that I don't quite remember whose blog it was anymore. Anyways, it's a brilliant idea because, when you have a taste for pesto or just don't feel like cooking, you just pop a couple pesto-cubes out of your ice cube tray, let them thaw--or pop them into the microwave--and voila, homemade pesto.)

I don't really have exact measurements, because really, it all depends on how much you want of potatoes and green beans in your pasta. But this should give you a general idea. And it also includes the pesto recipe from VwaV (which is my favorite)--I've noted my alterations with the recipe, since I like my pesto thick and not-quite-so-oily.

The nice thing about this dish as well is that you can eat it piping hot or, if you're suffocating under the weight of the latest heat wave (which was my case this weekend), you can serve it cold and it tastes just as good.

INGREDIENTS:

For the pasta:

• Fettucine noodles


• Potatoes, cut into 1/2"-dice (I used red potatoes)


• Green beans, cut into 1" bites

For pesto:

• 1/2 c. walnuts


• 3 c. packed basil leaves


• 3 cloves garlic


• 1 1/2 tsp course salt (or to taste)


• 1/2 cup extra virgin olive oil (I just add olive oil until the mix of walnuts, basil, nooch, etc. start to cling together)


• 1/4 c. nutritional yeast (optional)


• 2 tsp lemon juice (or, if you don't have any on hand, a couple t. of water works too)

DIRECTIONS

For pesto:

Toast the walnuts in the oven on a baking sheet at 175 degrees c for 10 mins. (Unless it's 90-degrees out or something, in which case, you can deal with untoasted walnuts. Just soak them in some warm water for 30 minutes and you'll get some of the bitterness out.)

Combine walnuts, basil, garlic and salt in food processor and process while you add the oil (or water) in a slow steady stream. Add the nutritional yeast and lemon juice and pulse to combine. The sauce should be the consistancy of a slightly grainy paste.

For everything else:

Toss your green beans and potatoes into a steamer and steam until tender. (Your potatoes will probably take a tiny bit longer than your green beans, so you may want to keep them segregated to separate sides of your steamer so that you can easily remove the green beans and set them aside when they're done.) Rinse to cool once they are done. Drain and set aside.

Cook your fettucine according to the directions on the box. Rinse with cold water and allow to drain.

To serve, toss a generous amount of potatoes and green beans in with your fettucine. Mix some healthy dollops of pesto into the mix, and serve.

Again, I give no quantities for the pasta/green beans/potatoes. I made single-servings of these, and kind of just eyeballed them. You're brilliant people. You'll figure it out.

(Pesto recipe from VwaV, posted at iVillage.co.uk)

One of Those Days

I'm having one of those days where there's nothing MORE disturbing in the whole wide world than the way the banana I'm eating feels as it smooshes in my mouth.

Death, violence, furries--none of these beats out banana-smushiness in making me me shiver in horror into the very depths of my soul.

Cheap Slut

I am a slut for cheap things. I dumpster dive with the best of them. I've gotten a lot of really good furniture this way. And I consider it my own personal Lindy Loo recycling program.

One of the weirdest things I've dumpster-dived within the last couple of years is this:



I try not to accrue too much needless clutter. *Waiting as we all catch our breath from insane bouts of laughter* Ok. Yeah, I'm kind of a pack-rat. *BUT* this week I've actually been going from room to room in my house, cleaning the hell out of shit. Throwing shit away by the droves. And packing shit up to garage sale sometime soon.

But yeah, I was walking down the street in my neighborhood one day and I passed this sandbox. I thought to myself, I wonder if my cats might like that for the roof. And then I continued on. When I passed it again on my way back, I figured, wtf. Might as well grab it, toss it on the roof, see if they like it. If not, all I'd end up doing is returning it right back to where it was: the garbage. And hopefully some OTHER lucky folks would pick it up to use. (The fun part was dragging it past the outdoor seating of the upscale restaurant at the end of my street--hee hee.)

And long story long, my cats love this thing. When it's hot out, they lay under the lid (as you can see below), at least until they suddenly realize that the sun has turned the lid into an oven, and then suddenly they'll come bolting out from underneath it into the house. They also can pretend to stalk birds or squirrels from under there, and sometimes they sit in the actual sandbox and act like the birds couldn't POSSIBLY see them in all their camouflaged glory. It's great. Zooey (who you can see in the pictures below) actually got really upset one day when it blew off my roof. I couldn't figure out why she kept running to the window and then running around the living room and then running back to the window and then getting hiccupy when I came over there. Apparently she was very upset that her lady bug had taken a windy nose-dive into my neighbor's yard. Ha ha ha.

So yeah: being a slut for cheap things often works out well.




For obvious reasons, I am also a slut for free-shipping.

Which is why, after all that, I bring you a link to a shop I just stumbled across while trying to hunt down flaxseed oil capsules. And that's

THRIFTY VEGAN

Thrifty Vegan is apparently a family-owned vegan business that sells vitamins and supplements. And the thing is ALL THEIR SHIPPING IS FREE!!! (And they don't seem to have boosted their prices to allow for this.) And seriously, when you just need one bottle of flaxseed oil capsules, and everywhere else is charging you $4+ in shipping to send out one measly bottle, this is DEFINITELY a welcome sight.

So go check it out. And buy something. Buy many somethings! The shipping's free, and you'll be supporting a small family-owned business, so why the hell not??

Cookouts and Flavor Flav

So yes: like most of you, I cooked out on Memorial Day Weekend. Actually more than once. I forgot to take pictures at the first cookout though, which is a shame because there was some good stuff there, like my mom's vegan taco pizza, for example. But oh well.

My second cookout was at my friend P's and was very laid back and feminist-ic. We sat out on her huge voluptuous porch. I cooked burgers on my ex's little grill. We talked about books we were reading, bands, some really bad movies that we're fond of. One of P's friends quietly knitted while we sat and bullshit. It was a nice nice day.

I whipped up some peanut burgers with satay sauce for everyone and dragged along some of Veganomicon's blinding potato salad. P made a delicious chickpea salad with basil and mint (recipe hopefully forthcoming). And we battled it out upon realizing we'd both baked VwaV chocolate chip cookies.

The peanut burgers were decent--nothing special. Though I must say, coupled with the peanut satay sauce, they were quite scrumptious. (The sauce isn't exactly the epitome of healthiness though.) The potato salad, on the other hand, I found sorely disappointing. My mom's boyfriend liked it a lot when I brought it to my brother's cookout, but I just thought it was bland bland bland. Then again, I'm kind of a traditionalist when it comes to potato salad, so maybe THAT'S why I didn't like it? Who knows. But honest to god, I found it really super-boring on the flavor front.



Nonetheless, I post both recipes here. If you DO go the bean-burger route, definitely try it with the satay sauce. It adds a much-need oomph.




Peanut Burgers with Satay Sauce



INGREDIENTS:

• 1 c. TVP granules


• 1 scant c. boiling water


• 1 T. tomato paste or ketchup


• 1 16-oz can pinto, kidney, or other beans, drained (I used kidney)


• 1/4 c. whole wheat bread crumbs (I used panko)


• 2 cloves garlic, finely minced


• 1/2 t. ginger powder


• 1 T. soy sauce


• 1 t. sugar


• 1/4 c. chopped peanuts


• salt and pepper to taste


• whole wheat flour for dusting

DIRECTIONS

Pour boiling water over TVP and tomato paste in a bowl. Stir and let rest for 10 minutes.

In food processor, combine TVP mixture and remaining ingredients except for flour and peanuts. Pulse until mixture is almost a puree. During the last pulse, add peanuts. Pulse just enough to mix.

Dust hands with flour and shape mixture into 6 burgers. Dust them lightly in flour. Layer the burgers with sheets of waxed paper and refrigerate for at least one hour.

Cook on a grill covered with foil for about 10 minutes on each side.



Satay Sauce

INGREDIENTS:

• 1 small onion, minced


• 1 clove garlic, minced


• 1 small chili pepper, chopped (or alternately, red pepper flakes to taste


• 1 t. sesame oil


• 1 c. natural chunky peanut butter (make sure it's natural--I made the mistake of not doing so, and it coagulated very strangely)


• 1/4 c. teriyaki sauce


• 2 t. brown sugar (or regular sugar works too)


• 1/4 c. water


• 1 t. tomato paste


• 1 t. sesame tahini


• salt & pepper to taste

DIRECTIONS

In a heavy saucepan saute the onion, garlic, and chili pepper in the sesame oil.

When translucent, add the peanut butter and stir until melted.

Add the rest of the ingredients. Simmer over medium heat for 10 minutes.

Serve over grilled peanut burgers.
(Posted at Award-Winning Veggie Burger Recipes)




Prospect Park Potato Salad


                                    from Veganomicon

INGREDIENTS:

• 5 lbs. potato, washed and peeled (I used red, I think the original recipe calls for yukon gold maybe?)


• 1 seedless cucumber, sliced thinly


• 1 large carrot, peeled and grated


• 1 c. vegan mayonnaise


• 1/4 c. Dijon mustard (whole grain)


• 1/4 c. olive oil


• 1/3 c. white vinegar


• 2 T. sugar


• 1 T. dried dill


• 1 t. turmeric


• 1.5 t. salt (to taste)


• 1 t. fresh ground black pepper

DIRECTIONS

Slice the potatoes between 1/2 and 1/4 inch thick. (If potatoes are large they can be cut into halves or thirds before slicing.)

Place potatoes into large stockpot, and fill with cold water about 4 inches above the top of potatoes.

Bring to a boil for about 15 minutes or until potato can be pierced easily with a fork. (With red potatoes, this took only about 5 minutes.)

While the potatoes boil, prepare the dressing.

If making the whole recipe, you will need the larges mixing bowl you have in order to add the potatoes later on.

Mix the vegan mayo, mustard, olive oil, sugar, vinegar, dill, turmeric, sal and pepper. Wisk together briskly. Add sliced cucumbers and place in the fridge until potatoes are ready.

When potatoes are done, drain and rise them quickly under cold water. Be sure to shake off any excess water. Add potatoes to the dressing and mix well.

Top with grated carrots and mix. Check seasoning and adjust as needed.

Refrigerate until ready to serve.

(from Veganomicon, posted at Recipezaar)