My Baby Got G-Nut Special Sauce and Sweet Potatoes

So yeah: I wasn't sure if the VT title of this recipe (G-Nut Special Suace and Sweet Potatoes) was actually trying to be hip and punny and allude to G. Love and Special Sauce or whether that was just accidental (I suspect it was probably just highly highly accidental myself, given VT's track-record with naming recipes) but regardless: when I saw this reader-created recipe, it sounded too good to pass up.

And it *was* good, though not phenomenal enough to warrant honorable mention in a reader-recipe contest in my opinion (you bad-ass vegan recipe-makers out there have come up with some recipes that BLOW this out of the water). The peanut sauce in particular confused me. It was actually not very good on its own, though much tastier when actually added to the recipe. I'm a big fan of peanut sauces, and I've tasted MANY a better peanut-sauce. So I'm not sure what the deal was with that.

The only other thing that disgruntled me about this recipe was the serving sizes. Supposedly the recipe makes enough for two servings. And I *know* I can be a fricking pig when it comes to cowing down dinner. But seriously: the portion size seemed WEAK on these. I was hungry within just a couple hours of eating thIS (you can probably see what I'm saying from the picture above).

All that being said, the combination of ingredients in this--spinach, sweet potatoes, chickpeas, peanuts, peanut-sauce--DOES make for a flavorful roller-coaster ride for the tongue. So I'd recommend it in that regard (especially since it's not an extremely complicated recipe). Just don't expect it to send you barreling into a week-long orgasm or anything.

INGREDIENTS:

G-Nut Special Sauce

• 1/2 c. low-sodium vegetable broth


• 2 1/2 T. smooth peanut butter


• 2 t. tomato paste


• 1 t. lemon juice


• 1 clove garlic, minced (about 1 tsp.)

Sweet Potatoes

• 2 medium-size sweet potatoes


• 2 t. peanut oil (I used sesame oil)


• 1 medium-size onion, minced (about 1 1/4 c.)


• 1/2 c. cooked chickpeas


• 1 5-oz. pkg. fresh spinach


• 1 t. ground cumin


• 1/2 t. lemon juice


• 1/4 t. salt


• 1/4 t. turmeric


• 1/4 cup roasted, salted peanuts

DIRECTIONS

Combine broth, peanut butter, tomato paste, lemon juice and garlic in small pan, and simmer over low heat 1 to 2 minutes. Set aside.

Poke holes all over sweet potatoes with fork. Microwave on high 7 to 10 minutes, or until soft; let cool in microwave.

Meanwhile, heat oil in large skillet over medium heat. Sauté onion 4 minutes, or until beginning to brown. Add chickpeas, and sauté 2 minutes more. Stir in spinach, reduce heat to low, and simmer 3 to 5 minutes, or until spinach is wilted.

Scoop sweet potato flesh into bowl, and mash with cumin, lemon juice, salt and turmeric.

Ladle sweet potato mixture into two bowls. Top with chickpea-spinach mixture, and cover with G-Nut Special Sauce. Garnish with peanuts, and serve warm.

(Original recipe from The Vegetarian Times)

Pumpkin Chocolate Brownie Cake

So yeah: we had the little boobalicious gathering on Friday night, and my friend Peppermint (shout out to the lickable candystick!) whipped up a ton of goodies for it, none of which I took pictures of *wah wah wahhhh* because I was too busy eating them. *SIGH* But so you can use your imagination to drool over them, she made a) homemade focaccia, b) potato salad, and c) a sweet beanie salad (which, if I remember correctly, consisted of butter beans, fresh diced tomatoes, fresh basil, olive oil, and garlic--it was AWESOMELY flavorful which I thought was even cooler because of the simplicity of ingredients).

I contributed to the mix with some (you guessed it) mock tuna salad. And since one of my friends from work brought me in the rest of a can of pumpkin (which she'd only used a couple tablespoons of for a recipe), I also decided to finally try out Have Cake Will Travel's Pumpkin Chocolate Brownie Cake. And holy mother of crapping god. This is really yummy stuff. It's not so much brownie-esque in my book as it is dense chocolatey cake. (Interestingly though, I just peeked at HCWT's pic of her Pumpkin Chocolate Brownie Cake, and hers DOES look much more brownie-esque than mine did. So maybe I just suck.) But nonetheless: arghlghlghl.

It is dense and uber-chocolatey with just a hint of pumpkin and spice. And yet, despite it's denseness, it manages to stay moist (which I was impressed with). And since I am pretty much a sugar-freak and can't stand unfrosted cakes (yeah, I'm lame), I also decided to whip up a small batch of cream cheese frosting for the brownie cake (using a smaller version of the cream cheese frosting from Vegan Cupcakes Take Over the World). And man if that ain't a delish-kus frosting (that was my Popeye impression), I don't know what is.

Anyways, it's officially autumn folks. Which means my libido and desire for romance is through the fricking ceiling*. Which also means everything you cook should have pumpkin in it (the autumn part, not the libido part). Which means you need to go make this right now. Either that or come bat your sweet sweet eyelashes at me while rubbing your nips and doing a little dance. The choice is yours.

INGREDIENTS:

• 1/2 c. all purpose flour


• 1/2 c. whole wheat flour***


• 1 t. baking powder


• 1/2 t. baking soda


• 1/3 c. granulated sugar


• 1/3 c. light brown sugar, packed


• 2 T. unsweetened cocoa powder


• 1 t. ground cinnamon


• 1/2 t. ginger powder


• 1/2 t. nutmeg powder


• 1/4 t. salt***


• 1/3 c. semi-sweet chocolate chips***


• 1/4 c. sour soy milk **


• 1/2 c. pure pumpkin puree


• 4 T. unsweetened apple sauce


• 3 T. veggie oil or other neutral oil


• 2 t. pure vanilla extract


Optional cream-cheese frosting:


• 2 T. softened vegan nonhydrogenated margarine


• 2 T. vegan cream cheese


• 1 c. powdered sugar

Grease an 8×8 in. pan. Preheat your oven to 350F.

In a large bowl, prepare your sour soy milk and let sit for a few minutes. In another large bowl, sift together the flours, baking powder, baking soda, sugars, cocoa, spices, and salt. Set aside.

In your sour soy milk bowl, add pumpkin, applesauce, oil, vanilla, and whisk until blended. Combine dry and wet ingredients until you can’t see flour anymore. Do not overmix. Fold in the chocolate chips.

Pour batter in your prepared pan and bake for 23 minutes, or until a toothpick comes out clean. (I think I ended up baking mine for about 27 or so, but I was using a silicon pan, and for some reason it didn't seem to be cooking through all the way.) Leave in pan and place on cooling rack for 15 minutes.

In the meantime, if you decide you want to frost it, whisk together your margarine and cream cheese in a mixing bowl. Add your powdered sugar and whisk and whisk and whisk until smooth and a bit thickened. (Alternately, you can follow the ACTUAL directions on how to make the frosting from the Vegan Cupcakes book--I just don't have a handheld mixer, so I didn't even try.)

Take out of pan carefully, and enjoy still warm or chilled. (If you choose to frost it, wait until the cake is completely cooled before doing so and leave in fridge for at least 30 minutes to an hour so the frosting can harden.)

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*I still haven't yet figured out why this is--maybe I'm secretly a necrophiliac or something: autumn = death = heightened Lindy Loo libido.

** To make sour soy milk: start by putting 1 t. apple cider vinegar in your measure, top it up with plain soy milk and let sit for a few minutes to have it curdle

*** Changes from the original recipe

(Original recipe from Have Cake Will Travel)


Oh, and Marla, you Great Brownie Challenger, you: I haven't forgotten about the brownie recipe you passed along. I just haven't made it yet since I don't own the larger type brownie pan it calls for. *Sobbing* I am useless.

Orangey Porangey Spaghetti Sauce

This recipe wasn't all that weird-sounding. Until I hit the cayenne pepper part. And then I was like, um, huh? Cayenne pepper and oranges? Usually not my first choice of sexy pairings. Actually, it moreso sounds like the weird concoctions you used to make for your sister when you were both, like, four or something and would dare each other to eat them.

For a while, I wasn't sure I was gonna add the vegan parm as mine was expired. But then I thought to myself, what is vegan parm made of really? Almonds. And almonds last FOREVER--they're like the vampires of the nut world. (Alas, I'd like to take credit for that little descriptive there, but I think Bob Hope coined it first back in 1952 when he had a whole stand-up routine on the topic of nuts--"Almonds: they're like the vampires of the nut world.") So I figured why the hell not? (Actually, I figured why the hell not in a safer kind of way, initially adding parm to only half the sauce until I tasted it and didn't die within 30 minutes, and then I added it to the rest.)

The other thing that was striking about this recipe is the apparent window of good-flavor. The original recipe seriously says to "Set aside for one to two hours--no longer"--and I half expected it to turn back into a pumpkin if I didn't eat it within that window of time. A pumpkin or a short, hairy, nekkid little Italian guy who kept shouting "Heyyyooooo, look atta my pee-pee." Thankfully neither occured (though I didn't open my fridge this morning, which is currently housing the leftovers, so there COULD technically be a short nekkid Italian guy slowly smothering to death in there. How I'm gonna explain THAT one to the police I'm not sure).

Point being: despite the ludicrousness of the request, I can actually almost see why that could be the case. It seems to me that the orange zest starts to react more and more strangely the longer it sits--it was weirdly tart by the time I ate it--so I could almost see it starting to taste a bit rancid if you let it sit out for way too long.

When all was said and done though, holy crap was this a vibrant and tasty pasta sauce. Strange, yes. But seriously seriously good. And something that would be perfect to celebrate the beginning of summer with. It's wonderfully orange-tasting but with a strange but awesome kick from the cayenne that takes some of the edge off the sweetness of the orange. It will surprise you.

I plan on trying out many more of the recipes from Joie Warner's book, seeing as I'm a pasta ho, so you can expect lots more recipes. (Apparently E snagged this book for $1 a long while back and, when he was in the process of moving and getting rid of a lot of dead weight--including yours truly, budddummm chiiiii--he passed this book along to me. And let me say, this recipe alone is well worth the dollar spent.)

The only problem I had with the recipe is the fact that it says it serves four. I love to completely SMOTHER my noodles with pasta sauce, so if you're at all like me, expect it only to generously cover a couple of hearty servings.

INGREDIENTS:

• 3 large garlic cloves, finely chopped


• Grated zest of 1 large orange


• 2 lbs. ripe tomatoes, seeded & coarsely chopped


• 3/4 c. coarsely shredded fresh basil leaves


• 1/2 t. dried thyme


• 1/4 t. cayenne


• 1/4 c. vegan parmesan cheese


• 1/3 c. olive oil


• Salt & freshly ground black pepper


• 3/4 lb. spaghetti (or angel hair, or any other noodle really)

DIRECTIONS

Combine everything except for half the basil and pasta in a large mixing bowl. Set aside for 1-2 hours--NO LONGER!!!--to allow flavors to blend, stirring occasionally. Cook pasta according to package directions. Drain well and immediately toss with sauce mixture. Serve with remaining basil on top, extra vegan parm at hand, and a healthy dallop of freshly ground pepper.

(Original recipe from Joie Warner's Spaghetti: America's Favorite Pasta, p. 25)

Back from the Dead

Like zombies back from the grave, stinking like feces and maggots (mmmmm, yum), fingernails all dirty from climbing through dirt to bring themselves back into the world, with a hunger for human flesh (or, in our case, VEGAN human flesh), so comes the return of "The Most Bizarre Google Searches By Which People Stumble Across This Blog." May we embrace it with excitement, in all its shit-related glory.

• does my hair stink like feces


• babies and syrup


• kielbasa deep throat champion


• blender cerberus


• how to make your shit smell better


• shit cake


• 2 cups shit


• DADDY MAC'LL MAKE YOU JUMP


• what does squirrel shit look like [twice--I sense urgency here]


• vegan versus normal cookies calories [because vegan is clearly abnormal]


• shit belly


• woman shits into cup


• thai shit


• black feces from olives


• recipe for bitches and hoes

"Hot Like Your Ass in That Dress" Penne Pasta**

I've had a big fat woody for pasta lately. Actually, I've had a big fat woody for a LOT of weird things lately for some reason. People. Places. Things. Art Brut. Yesterday, for example, I attended a little Rape Crisis Center award-ceremony with my mum (she got recognized for her work as a volunteer, so a big exuberant shout-out to my bad-ass motha), and I found myself wanting to go over and bat my eyelashes at one of their advocacy folks, mostly just because when he smiled, he had some cutely weird and fucked up teeth. (It's no wonder I've become absolutely smitten with Diane Arbus in the past month. *sigh*)

Anyways, where was I? Oh yeah! Vaginas! Oh wait. No. Pasta. That's right.

I've been craving pasta constantly lately, and I happened to be flipping through an old issue of the VT and saw this. And despite the fact that it was a goat cheese recipe, its fieriness sounded really attractive to me at that moment. So I thought to myself, fuck it. I'll just try subbing in cream cheese in its place. And of course I'm sure it only loosely resembles the taste of the original recipe, but it was quite good nonetheless, especially with some freshly-ground pepper sprinkled all over it (and perhaps a bit of diced avocado sprinkled on it as well). It's got a pretty decent kick though, so all of you spiciness pansies may wanna use the smallest chipotle you can find. *COUpansies!GH*

INGREDIENTS:

• 12 oz. penne pasta


• 1 dried chipotle chile, soaked in hot water 10 minutes, or 1 chile from 4-oz. can chipotle peppers in adobo sauce


• 1 T. olive oil*


• 3 cloves garlic, minced (about 2 t.) *


• 1/2 c. vegan cream cheese*


• 1/3 c. water


• 1/3 c. chopped cilantro


• 2 c. halved cherry tomatoes


• 2 c. fresh or frozen *couorcannedgh* corn kernels


• Optional: A bit of diced avocado

DIRECTIONS

Cook pasta according to package directions.

Meanwhile, remove seeds from chipotle chile and finely chop.

Heat 1 T. oil in skillet over medium-low heat. Add chile and garlic, and sauté 1 minute, or until fragrant.

Stir in cream cheese and 1/3 cup water, whisk until smooth, and cook 2 to 3 minutes, until heated through, stirring constantly. Simmer 2 minutes more, then remove from heat and add cilantro.

Drain pasta, and return to pot. Add tomatoes, corn and cream cheese sauce.

Season to taste with salt and a generous amount of freshly ground pepper, and transfer to warm serving bowl. Top with avocado if you so choose.

(Original recipe from the Vegetarian Times)

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* Represent changes from the original recipe
** Seriously, VT: if you'd like to start paying me to name your recipes more creatively, I'm all over that.

.It Makes Our Life Healthier!

I have no recipe to share with you all today, but I'll be damned if I don't have the best product ever to show off instead.

This weekend I was at the Asian Plaza, so I decided to pick up some vegan bacon to whip up along with the pancakes I had planned on making for me and E on Sunday morning.

And seriously... I have never been more delighted by a product's packaging than I was by the vegan bacon.

As you can see from the pictures below, apparently inanimate cartoon bacon actually has the capabality of speaking and announcing (through a word-bubble) that it is vegetarian.


I also was absolutely smitten with the directions on how to cook it, and had a hell of a time trying to figure out precisely what a FAINTED FIRE would consist of. But we must've figured it out, as it came out damn tasty.


And last but not least is the slogan. Hands down, the best food-slogan ever. (I kept walking around all day and repeating it out loud randomly for no real reason except to amuse myself.) Because truly, what makes our life healthier than bacon? Your guess is as good as mine.



GO (VEGAN) BACON! GO!

Last Call, My Bitches!

This Friday:

• Pillow fights.


• B00bs.


• Nighties accidentally falling off.


• Cat-fighting.


• And of course, vegan food.

Let me know if you needs directions.

Invite details HERE.

And prep yourself for some movie magic by watching a heartfelt Swamp Women-moment HERE. *Tear*

Hell Yes, Mike White. Hell Yes.

"I believe life is magical. It is so precious. And there are so many kinds of life in this life. So many things to love. The love for a husband or a wife. A boyfriend, a girlfriend. The love for children. The love for yourself. And even material things.

This is my love. It is mine. And it fills me, and it defines me. And it compels me on."

- from Mike White's Year of the Dog

Fettuccine with Red Pepper, Artichokes and Chickpeas

I have a bit of a love-hate relationship with the artichoke. It is such a beautiful vegetable, all rough and armored on the outside, but once you get down to its flesh, it's decadent and richly flavored. Kinda like me. OH SNAP! *Putting my finger against my ass and making a sizzle noise* I find its mysteriousness, its need to protect itself from the outside world with its thick armor, to be lovely and poetic. What I don't so much like is biting into a nice big chunk of it to find myself chewing for 20 minutes on an untender and sort of woody layer of it that seems virtually unchewable, chewingandchewingandchewinganddebatingspittingoutbut
realizingthatwouldbekindarudeinthemiddleofdinner. I could understand if it was *me* who was prepping and peeling the artichoke myself, since I'd almost certainly f- it up. But when I've bought canned artichokes, I expect a bit more perfection. So what's the deal, I ask (rhetorically, so please do not answer, unless your name is Canned Artichoke)?

Regardless, despite the fact that I ran into a couple instances of the aforementioned eternally chewy artichokes while dining on this pasta, it was a fricking *awesome* recipe (and perfect for the change towards this autumn weather we've been having). It is amazingly flavorful with quite the full and flowery red-peppery kick to it. It's relatively simple (which is always a plus for me). And it will impress guests, no doubt. I highly recommend. CHECK IT!

PS. Is it just me, or does the VT really need to start getting a bit more creative with their recipe-titles and not just listing out all the ingredients as a title?

INGREDIENTS:

• 1/2 c. whole almonds


• 1/4 c. sesame seeds


• 1 14-oz. jar roasted red peppers, drained and rinsed (about 1 cup), or 4 roasted red peppers, skinned and seeded


• 2 T. olive oil*


• 1-3 T. water*


• 1 T. balsamic vinegar*


• 1 T. fresh lemon juice


• 1/4 t. cayenne


• 1 lb. fettuccine


• 1 15-oz. can chickpeas, drained and rinsed


• 1 9-oz. jar water-packed artichoke hearts, quartered (about 8 hearts)


• 1/4 c. chopped parsley

DIRECTIONS

Toast almonds in skillet over medium-high heat 3 minutes, or until lightly browned, stirring often. Toast sesame seeds 1 minute, or until golden. Cool.

Cut peppers into thin strips. Blend 1/2 cup pepper strips with almonds, oil, vinegar, lemon juice and cayenne in food processor. Add sesame seeds, and pulse to combine. Add 1-3 T. water to thin out just a bit (thicker is okay--once you mix everything together, it'll spread nicely despite it perhaps looking too thick to do so).

Cook pasta according to package directions. Add red pepper mixture, chickpeas, artichokes, parsley and remaining red pepper strips. Toss to combine. Season with salt and pepper, and serve.

Serves 6.

*Represent changes from the original recipe

(Original recipe from the Vegetarian Times)

You, Yeah You!

Two things:

1. New sidebar question. GO!

2. Me and my friend Peppermint are combining the fierce power of our breasts (*initiating tractor-beams*) and planning a "girls' night" next Friday: booze, boobs, a movie, more boobs, more booze, food of the veg variety, booze on your boobs, and then more boobs. If you have boobs, are in the Cleveland area, and would like to join us, leave me a comment with your email address and I'll send you details and directions once we figure out exactly where we're having it.

Best Vegan Brownies Ever

This recipe is for when all you ladies who's gonna be poppin' out my babies get an insatiable craving for brownies and pickles... HELLS YES!

*SHOUTOUT TO MY HOES, SUE AND EMMIE! WAVING MY HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE I JUST DON'T CARE, BUT I DO BECAUSE WHO'S YO' DADDY? I'M YO DADDY!*

Anyways, these are, in fact, as yummy of brownies as the rumors that have been swirling around about them proclaim. Mine were strangely cake-like in consistency (and crumbly) but tasted devilishly like brownies in flavor. I chalk this up to the fact that I don't have any glass brownie-pans (just one more thing I don't have room for in my kitchen). So I baked them in a casserole dish of the same size. They still were delish though.

Oh, I *DID* leave out the nuts though (because us independent bitches and hoes don't need nuts and cocks to live--WUSSUP!), so perhaps the overwhelming lack of maleness in the brownies caused them to self-destruct after all. I topped them with Soy Dream vanilla ice cream, which I must say, tastes way too inexplicably like children's aspirin (TOFUTTI ROCKS HARDER! WORD!).

Nonetheless: pickles and brownies, ladies. That's what my babies like going into their bellies. Yes yes... In fact, that's what I like in my belly too, so get barefoot and toss on that apron and WHIP ME SOME UP! *belching and itching my beer belly*

INGREDIENTS:

• 1/2 c. canola oil (or veggie--I used veggie)


• 1/2 c. maple syrup


• 1/4 c. soymilk


• 1.5 t. vanilla


• 1 c. unbleached white flour


• 1/2 c. cocoa powder


• 1/2 c. cup sugar


• 1 t. baking powder


• 1/2 t. salt


• 1/2 c. semi/sweet chocolate chips


• 1/2 c. chopped walnuts (optional)

INSTRUCTIONS

Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. Lightly oil an 8 inch square GLASS pan.

Put the oil, maple syrup , soy milk and vanilla in a medium bowl and whisk to combine. In a separate bowl whisk together the flour, cocoa, sugar, baking powder and salt. Fold the dry ingredients into the wet mixture with a rubber spatula. Don’t overmix.
Fold in the chocolate chips (and nuts, if you bow to the patriarchy).

Put the batter in the pan and spread it out evenly. Bake for 35 minutes.

Don't overbake.

Cool before cutting.

Serve with pickles.

(Original recipe from The Vivacious Vegan originally from other sources)

Yes, a Third Nipple

I got my ass tagged *bending over coyly* by the Non-Dairy Queen (thank ya, NDQ!), so here's my meme hook-up, for everyone's enjoyment. Please do not hate me for not spreading this along, but I make it a habit not to feed my OCD by following the directions for chain-mails and memes. Plus, I'M JUST A REBEL, AND REBELS DON'T FOLLOW THE RULES! YEAH!

Anyways, I'm a-pposed to list 8 random facts about myself.

1. I have a secret second-life that pretty much no one here is aware of and that only a handful of people at work know about. By daytime, I am Clark Kent. But by nightttime (and on Saturdays), I'm Superman. *Puffing chest out and adjusting the spandex that's gotten sorta wedged up around my bulge*



2. I have five tattoos and plans to finally get a half-sleeve next year, once my secret identity has finally been revealed to the world in all its glory. *Cackling maniacally and rubbing my hands together evilly*



3. I am an extremely messy human being. My fella told me a month or so ago that it's a good thing we don't live together as he finds my messiness THAT disturbing and doesn't think he could deal with it. In response, I piled some more things up in a corner and let them collect dust. And then I had sex with my hot (possibly) taxi-driving neighbor on top of the aforementioned pile of dusty items.



4. I've never cheated on anyone I've dated, but I realized the other day that part of the reason for this is that I have a FEVERISHLY overactive imagination that, when I'm bored, pieces together scenarios of fiery romances and shag-sessions that are fantastical enough that I haven't ever really NEEDED to.



5. I love horror movies. The good, the bad, the ugly. One day, I *will* be an extra in a zombie flick. And/or makeout with Bruce Campbell. One day.



6. I used to write poetry. (I'd say "I write poetry," but it's unfortunately been a while.) One of my pieces is published in an erotic journal..



7. Boys with tatts give me a girlie-boner.



8. Once upon a time, I had a third nipple.

THE END

"You Don't Win Friends With (Lentil) Salad"*

Man, I am like *the* laziest this week. I done cooked stuff last week, but the scrooge in me is like *yawn* you are too busy or too tired or too horny or too plain lazy to post it. BUT I SHALL! FOR YOU, MY LOVES! BECAUSE I LOVE YOU AND WANT TO RUB MY NAUGHTY PARTS ALL OVER YOU IN APPRECIATION!

So cookoutery... I did a wee bit of it on Monday. I whipped up some burgers from, you guessed it, the Vegetarian Times. My lazy self is right now rejoicing because the recipe isn't up yet in their database since it was from the most recent issue (the summer issue), and since I don't have the recipe on me (*SHUCKS*) I can't type it out here (*DOUBLESHUCKS*). In all actuality, I wouldn't *want* to post it here until I give it a second try, because quite honestly, it was a *terrible* recipe. For those of you who have a subscription, it was for the Chicago Diner burger, and since I really dug the Chicago Diner when I visited my sister in Chicago and ate there with her, I figured it would be a damn good recipe. I was super-disappointed as it ended up being ridiculously mushy, despite being precooked in the oven and despite my attempts at adding more flour to a couple patties before grilling. The burger-pic featured in the mag looks so plump and roasted and gloriously tasty that I wanted to start punching babies when my patties ended up being really oatmeally and just plain old mushy. I don't know if it's because I put the mix in the fridge to cool off overnight and it added too much moisture to the mix, but it was just a fricking mess. I suspect that the problem was me moreso than the recipe, but it's more fun to complain and curse the day that God brought this recipe into the world, so I'm doing that instead, for shits and giggles. So: no recipe for now. If anyone else has had better luck with this recipe, please reassure me. I really wanted to like it. *Sigh*

Look at it trying to play up how pretty and
innocent it is in the pic above. *COUwhoreGH*

On the side, I whipped up a batch of lentil salad, also from the Vegetarian Times. This, thankfully, was *WAY* better than the burgers, and my mom's been sending me emails all week telling me how much she's enjoyed chowing on the leftovers. It's very simple and clean-tasting and kind of reminds me of spring in its clean simplicity. It's easy to make as well. As always, I cut the oil amounts in half (which I've adjusted below) and *still* found it too oily for my tastes, so you may wanna gradually add it until it satisfies your grease-factor.

And props to my mum who whipped up her own recipe of a vegan cream-cheesey chocolate-raspberry-oreo pie using vegan cream cheese, an oreo crust, and frosting. Unfortunately I am a dunce and was so swept away by gorging on the actual pie that I forgot to take pictures. So here is a picture of Joe Albino instead. He looks very excited to be here.





"YOU DON'T WIN FRIENDS WITH (LENTIL) SALAD"



INGREDIENTS:

• 1 c. dried lentils


• 1 medium-size carrot, finely diced (about 3/4 c.)


• 6 green onions, thinly sliced (about 2/3 c.)


• 1 celery stalk, finely diced (about 1/2 c.)


• 1/2 red bell pepper, finely diced (about 1/2 c.)


• 1/2 c. cilantro leaves, finely chopped


• 1/2 c. Italian parsley leaves, finely chopped


• 1 clove garlic, minced (about 1 t.)


• 1 t. lemon zest


• 1/3 c. fresh lemon juice


• 2 T. olive oil


• romaine lettuce leaves, for garnish

DIRECTIONS

Bring 3 cups water to a boil in large saucepan over high heat. Add lentils, and reduce heat to medium low. Cover, and simmer 15 minutes, or until lentils are just tender. Drain well. Spread lentils on large baking sheet to cool. (Alternately, you can cook them in your rice cooker like I do.)

Toss lentils, carrot, green onions, celery, bell pepper, cilantro, parsley, garlic and lemon zest in large bowl. Drizzle with lemon juice and olive oil, and toss to coat. Season with salt and pepper. Spoon salad into bowls lined with lettuce leaves.

(Original recipe from the Vegetarian Times)

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*One of my favorite Simpsons episodes, and why Matt Groening should have my babies, despite the fact that the Simpsons is now being used to sell BK burgers which made me tear up a bit every time I see a commercial. *SIGH*

Mock Tuna Casserole

This past week was a very metaphysically quandarous kind of week (that's philosoph-speak, for those of you who ain't hip with your Kierkegaard and Hume). Metaphysically quandiferous. Why, you ask? Well, because not only did I whip up mock tuna salad, I *also* tried whipping up a mock tuna casserole (that's how much I was fricking jonesing about the mock tuna salad, my friends). But again: quandariferosity: This time, I had invented my own recipe for something I've never tasted before. This was some serious philosophical shit.

*AND* I wasn't all that blown away by it, which left me wondering: Was I not blown away by it because MY specific recipe wasn't good? Or was I not blown away by it because if I'd ever had a REAL tuna casserole on a prior occasion, I wouldn't've liked *THAT* either (so essentially, I'd just made a mock-recipe for something that I wouldn't have ever really liked in the first place)? And if a tree falls in the forest, does it not just press its Life Alert button so that the medics come a-racing?

Deep. Deep and deeper and deepest.

So yeah. I made this tuna casserole, and when I had some for dinner, I found myself a bit unimpressed. It was not *bad*, it was just unimpressive and kind of bland. (Then again, a lot of old-school, meat-and-taters, family-cooking in the form of casseroles SEEMS to have that as its goal, so perhaps it *WAS* a stunning tuna casserole rendition after all.)

But I ate the leftovers all last week, and I ended up finding myself a bit addicted to it as a leftover, so perhaps it wasn't as bad as I'd first thought. It's a bit dry, so I added a tad bit of water each time I nuked it. And I sorta wish I would've put in more mushrooms (and cooked all the mushrooms ahead of time--I've altered the recipe to reflect that). But overall, it's decent. Not amazing, but good in a bland-casseroley-goodness kind of way.

And now that I've given you that award-winning recommendation, you are, of course, all barreling out to the grocery store to nab the ingredients. *Snark*

INGREDIENTS:

• 12 oz. yolk-free pasta ribbons (or a fettucine noodle or something will work fine too)


• 12 oz. shrooms, sliced


• 1 onion, diced


• 1 T. margarine


• 1 c. soymilk


• 1 T. flour


• 1 t. garlic powder


• A double-batch of Mock Tuna Salad


• Salt & pepper to taste


• 1 handful of kettle-cut potato chips (optional)

DIRECTIONS

Cook up the pasta al dente according to the directions on the box. Drain and set aside.

Whip up your double-batch of Mock Tuna Salad.

In a small sauce-pan, add the margarine on a low flame and fry up your onions and mushrooms until the shrooms are tender. Mix in 1 T. flour and then gradually add the soymilk while whisking away so it doesn't burn. Once it's all in there, add the garlic powder. Cook for about 5-10 minutes or so, until the base has thickened up a bit.

Preheat oven to 400. Spray a large casserole dish (mine is a roundy one, and I'm not sure the precise size, but it should comfortably hold all your pasta). In a large mixing bowl, mix together your noodles and mock tuna salad. Slowly stir in your mushroomy mixture. Salt and pepper (and add in any other spices you think you might like--I think this definitely could've used a bit more spicing up).

Pour into casserole dish. Crush up a handful of kettle chips and sprinkle on top. (Many of the ACTUAL tuna casserole recipes recommended this, but I found that it didn't add much either which way, especially when the chips just got mushy as leftovers, so you could just as easily leave this out.)

Cook for 30-45 minutes (until casserole is heated all the way through).

Eat. Marvel at its delighful blandness.

MARVEL!

(Makes anywhere from 6-10 servings)