Chickpea Chili

More balls: this time, tiny ones. Otherwise known as chickpeas. And/or pixie testicles.

The very kind Roxanne took the time to email me this recipe, after reading me whine about the stupid boring tomatillo recipe I made a few weeks ago, and she assured me that the recipe she sent would put my tomatillos to MUCH better use.

And boy was she WRONG WRONG WRONG!!

Just kidding, Roxanne. Veganmofo!

Actually, I was rather surprised at how wonderfully flavorful this recipe was given the ease of preparing it. Mainly, all it requires is roasting a bunch of vegetables, blending them, and then throwing them in a pot with some chickpeas. How easy is that?

And the end result: DELECTABLE.

Now, I didn't use this chili in anything taco/burrito-ish the way the original recipe does. I just took it for lunches for the week as is. But I *DEFINITELY* think this would make a fantastic addition to a burrito.

Regardless, this chili is sweet and interesting and flavorful and yet somehow tastes healthy (probably because it is). It also smells FANTASTIC in every step of the recipe--from the roasting vegetables to the simmering chili. As I was cooking it, N-A kept commenting on how good it smelled, and once I tasted it, I forced a bite upon him as well, and he agreed that it was really quite tasty.

I don't know that I'd serve it up as plain ol' chili to friends or anything, since it moreso seems like a recipe that you'd add to ANOTHER recipe (and it doesn't make a whole helluva lot). But a big hell-yes to serving it at a party with some tortilla chips. Or on top of some nice plump burritos.

And also cool is the fact that this is actually a fairly forgiving recipe. And by that I mean: I have no clue whether I had remotely close to 2 lbs. fresh tomatillos, but it didn't matter. It was damn tasty regardless.

Roxanne also offered me these tips, which I pass along to you as well:

- Why strain the tomatillo mixture? Skip that unless you feel the need.

- Add a small Spanish onion, julienned or sliced thinly, to the pot with the chickpeas. Simmer until soft. It gives more texture.

- Just keep in mind that since the jalapeno seeds aren't removed, it can be pretty spicy. But I think that's part of the charm.

So thanks, Roxanne. And remember: You don't have to put on the red light.

• 2 lbs. fresh tomatillos, washed and peeled


• 2 jalapeno peppers, stems removed


• 1/2 c. roughly chopped Spanish onion (1/2-inch pieces)


• 4 cloves garlic


• kosher salt, to taste


• 1/4 c. olive oil


• 1 (32 ounces) can chickpeas, drained and rinsed


• 1 T. freshly ground black pepper


• 2 T. chopped cilantro

DIRECTIONS

Heat the oven to 500 degrees.

Place the tomatillos in a heavy-duty ovenproof pan or pot with the jalapenos, onion, garlic, kosher salt and olive oil. Place the vegetables in the oven and roast until they are soft and lightly browned, for 20 to 25 minutes.

Remove the tomatillo mixture from the oven, pour into a blender and puree until smooth. You might have to do this in 2 batches. Pour the pureed mixture through a fine-mesh strainer, and pour the strained mixture into a saucepan. Place the pan over medium heat. Add the chickpeas, and bring the mixture to a simmer. Stir in the pepper and cilantro.

Makes about 6 1/2 cups.

(Original recipe--and complete burrito recipe--found HERE)

Balls Balling It Up in a Balls-Like Manner

                                      from the Veg Times

Dammit! I slipped up on the last week of VeganMofo of course by getting stupid sick. But I'm gonna try to make up for that fact today by posting multiple times. We'll see how that goes.

First topic of the day: Balls.

Big ones. Little ones. Hard ones. Squishy ones. Round ones. Smushy ones. Firm ones. Mushy ones.

This one has a little star. This one drives a little car.

Oh shit. Sorry. I think I was channeling Dr. Seuss there for a moment.

Anyways, I just realized that they have yet to post this "meat"balls recipe from the Veg Times on-line, so I will have to repost this again at some point WITH the recipe.

Nonetheless, I whipped up these "meat"balls last week I believe, on one of our last days of nice weather, coaxing N-A into coming over before he headed to work to have a nice dinner out on my porch and chow down on these babies. As always seems to be the case lately with homemade "meat"balls (the beanballs from Veganomicon being another perfect example), these "meat"balls didn't firm up ever, instead choosing to remain squishy and airy and slightly mushy.

But I've gotta say, the flavor for once made up for that. They're zingy and delectable, and provide a generous punch of spicy flavor to a pasta meal, enough so that I was craving them the next day.

So my apologies for the lack of recipe. Consider this a taunt until I'm able to post it sometime in the near future. (Or if you're a subscriber to the VegTimes, go look it up yourself in one of the recent issues, AND STOP GIVING ME SUCH A HARD TIME! *sniffle*)

Follow-Up Food-Related Pet Peeve

Bean Gum (bēn gŭm)

n.

1. Similar to the affliction of Bean Tooth, it is the state of being that occurs after an individual has consumed a bean-filled item of food, wherein one or two of the skins of the beans stick high up in one's gums in such a way that again renders the bean indiscernible to the touch of the tongue, thus causing one to walk around for one to ninety days with bean skins stuck up in one’s gums, only to have one appear out of nowhere in said individual’s mouth one to ninety days later while he/she is eating a completely unrelated food, causing them to think a) why is there a bean in my soy ice cream/peanut butter sandwich/cup of espresso? and then b) Dear god, when was the last time I actually HAD beans, and how long has this bean been actually hanging out in my mouth???
   
2. The gum that has been inflicted with a case of Bean Gum: BLORGHGHGHG! Where the hell did this black bean-skin come from? I haven’t had black beans in 17 days and... OMG! I bet I had a bean gum!

So sayeth the Dictionary of VeganMofo. Again.

One of My Biggest Food-Related Pet Peeves

Bean Tooth (bēn tōōth)

n.

1. The state of being that occurs after an individual has consumed a bean-filled item of food, wherein one or two of the skins of the beans stick to one's teeth in such a way that renders the bean indiscernible to the touch of the tongue, thus causing one to walk around all day with a bean-skin stuck to one of their front teeth, only to be discovered--with great horror--far too late in the day upon an accidental glimpse in a restroom mirror.


2. The tooth that has been inflicted with a case of Bean Tooth: Fucking shit, check out that girl's Bean Tooth! Nasty!

So sayeth the Dictionary of VeganMofo.

Three Cheers For Vag-Time!

So finally: the moment you've all surely been waiting for! It's VAGINA-DENTATA-TIME!



As I mentioned last week, I had a little Vagina Dentata party this weekend, and we all watched the movie Teeth.

In honor of the movie's vagina dentata theme, I decided to whip up some vagina/penis-themed munchies.

First off, I adapted the bloody finger cookie recipe to make little vaginas and penises.

Now, I must tell you. It is really f-ing hard to make tiny penises and vaginas. Harder (snicker) than one might think. Veganmofo! The problem with it is that as soon as you take a penis or vagina out of context (place it in a situation where it's not attached to the body), it kind of looks confusing and isn't really obvious as a penis or vagina.

And then, to top THAT off, this morning, I suddenly panicked and got paranoid that I put the clits in the wrong place on the vaginas. All them labia and lips and whatnot make things so very confusing when trying to recreate them! But N-A didn't say anything, and he's pretty much a clit connoisseur. Ha ha ha. And no one else at my party said anything either. Then again, they could've just been sitting around thinking to themselves, "The poor poor girl--she doesn't even know where a clit is located."

Well, f- that! I think I got it right.

And if I didn't, well, make your own damn vagina cookies!

Anyways, these are the befores:




These are the afters:




Unfortunately, they sank as they baked, so they didn't look quite as good as the pre-baked versions, but they worked.

I also made some cut-up wieners (get it!), aka. "pigs"-in-a-blanket, served with ketchup (blood--get it!).

This is not the best of pics, and it's a before-pic, but oh well. Basically, I cut vegan hot-dogs into quarters, and then I wrapped them in a piece of Pillsbury Crescent roll dough (also vegan):



And finally... The piece de resistance of the party was the vagina dentata surprise that my friends P (and L) brought over and kept a secret up until the point of unveiling. It was definitely the highlight of the party's munchies.

You can see why:



Ha ha ha.

P used an Isa Chocolate Cake recipe and then decked it out with vegan frostings, fruity chews, and almonds for teeth.

I don't think I've ever seen a cuter vagina dentata. Have you?

The Tale of the Scone-Loving Dame

                                      from VwaV


So last week, I crushed out. I'm on the lam, and I bump into this cat from back in the day. He and I are chinning, and I says, "Don't be a bunny, baby. I'm a (vegan) butter and egg man, you get me? And I'll bop someone if it means staying out of bracelets, hear? So gimme the cabbage or get lost." So he gives me the cush 'cause I've got the heat pointed right at him. And I--of course--fade as fast as possible and skip over to the nearest creep joint. I get inside where there's this real looker, and I take her up to her room, a bit of dough in hand. But the boozehound's smoked and right off throws a joe on her bed. I mutter a Veganmofo or two under my breath, and--to bide my time til the dame's no longer out on the roof--I whip up these scones. They're plump, curvy, and sweet, just like your typical broad, so I wake the mad dame and say, Chew this. And next thing I know, she's got those getaway sticks spread WIDE open for me.

That's a scone-loving dame for you.

And what a scone-loving dame she was...




VwaV's Chocolate-Chip Scones

INGREDIENTS:

• 3 c. all-purpose flour


• 2 T. baking powder


• 6 T. sugar (plus an extra tsp for sprinkling on top)


• 1/4 t. salt


• 1/3 c. vegetable oil


• 1/2 c. soy cream (rice or soy milk is an ok replacement, but the cream really works better)


• 3/4 c. rice or soy milk plus 2 t. apple cider vinegar


• 1 t. vanilla extract


• 1 c. vegan chocolate chips

DIRECTIONS

Preheat oven to 400 degrees F.

In a large mixing bowl, sift together the flour, baking powder, sugar, and salt. Add the oil, soy cream, and milk with vinegar. Mix until just combined; the dough should be clumpy and not sticky. Even if there is still a light dusting of flour, that's okay.

Drop by 1/4 cupfuls onto the greased cookie sheet and pat the tops just a little bit to round them out; sprinkle with a bit of sugar. Bake 12-15 minutes until slightly browned on the bottom and firm on the top.

Chocolate Chip Scones: Add 1 tsp of vanilla extract to the liquid ingredients, add another 2 Tbsp sugar, fold in 1 cup of chocolate chips.

(Recipe from Vegan with a Vengeance, posted at Tribe.net)

Project Kitchen!

Up until a few years ago, I'd lived in apartments with some of the world's most pitiful kitchens. The piece de resistance of terrible kitchens was my kitchen from grad school, which literally had standing space that was about 2 feet wide and was sectioned off from the rest of the room by feeble folding doors. TERRIBLE.

So when I was apartment hunting and walked into the kitchen of my current apartment, it was like angels all began singing in unison, all the suns rays came filtering magnificently through the kitchen windows, and a multitude of Julian Casablancas cyborgs began waltzing across the countertops.

It's an ENORMOUS kitchen, with a bounty of natural light and beautiful hardwood floors. My only complaint is the lack of counter and cupboard space, but everything else kind of makes up for it.

And it's BECAUSE it's such a wonderful space that it sort of dawned on me a couple weeks ago that I really should be treating it better than I have been, and that it could use a little bit of TLC. So I decided to paint it and track down some curtains--the windows are horribly filthy, and I don't really have a way of cleaning them, so I figured I could at least block some of the view.

So join me, on a tour of my newly-painted kitchen, so that you may burn with envy.



The Before...

The After...
The color's called Lemon Grass

My new curtains: $2.50 for 4 panels
at Unique Thrift Shop on
half-off Mondays

Trimwork

Interestingly, most of my kitchen furniture was donated to me... The rack with my cookbooks sitting next to my stove and the wine rack/stand next to my fridge were both handed down to me from an ex-. My mom gave me the kitchen table. And the computer was donated to me from a friend at the time.

My stove and the cupboard that
Zooey likes to lay on in the winter


Case in point:

My computer space, where I work my magic with all my food pics



My fridge--duh



My toaster oven, coffee pot,
wine rack, and old copies of
Veg Times and VegNews mags

Back in my college days, I decided--with the encouragement of one of my sisters--that I should decorate my kitchen with only ugly things. So I would buy some of the most hideous salt shakers and other kitchen paraphernalia that I possibly could. Later, this idea transformed some, and I now decorate it with as many unrelated and campy decorations as possible. For example:

My wall of camp, which I've posted
about on prior occasions

A Steve Boalt close-up: I bought this album
simply because of the pic and because it's
called HE TOUCHED ME--*giggle*. Also featured: homemade record bowls


My Last Supper clock (which keeps freakishly
good time) and Smokey Robinson's head

And my favorite kitchen-find:
This bright yellow three-tiered
hanging basket that I bought for
$1 at a garage sale down the street


And there you have it. Thank you for joining me today on a tour of my kitchen. Veganmofo, veganmofo, veganmofo.

What's in Your Freezer?

I got tagged last week by Vancouver Vegan, and since she is the father of my child, I felt obligated to post. So here it is, ladies and gents—my freezer:



I realized after taking a pic of it this weekend that it's really quite unremarkable and underused.

Now if we took a pic of your mom's BAJINGO, we would right now be saying precisely the opposite. BUDDUMMMM CHIIIveganmofoIIIIII!

Nonetheless, there it is, in all its boxy (teehee) glory. Stuffed with ice trays, various half-full bags of frozen veggies (that I use moreso as coldpacks than anything else), a plastic container of cut up bananas that I never got around to dipping in chocolate, and a tin of coffee grounds that I believe--if I'm calculating correctly--I've had in my freezer (in two different apartments) for about... 5 or 6 years. Oh, and also a bag of fresh-ground coffee in the door. But only I get to see that, as it is scantily clad and not blog-appropriate.

Next Week on "Yeah, That Vegan 'Shit'"...

• What's in my freezer: The delightful Vancouver Vegan tagged me over at her blog, wanting to know what's in my pants... I mean, FREEZER.
  
  Will there be lots of freezer-burnt old leftovers?
  
  Will there be nothing but frozen pesto?
  
  Will there just be what appears to be human limbs and (wait--what is that??) a human torso?
  
  Tune in next week to find out!



• My kitchen: Many of you readers are faithful food-bloggers just like me. And as food-bloggers, you know you spend a LOT of time in your kitchen. It sort of is like a home within a home for us.
  
  This past weekend, I revamped my kitchen, to make it just a LITTLE bit more warm and cozy just in time for the cold weather. And I am *SUPER* excited about how it came out.
  
  Stay tuned for pics!


And finally (veganmofo!)...

• Vagina Dentata: Wait, what? Vagina whozits? Dentata whatzits?
  
  Yes. You heard me correctly.
  
  This weekend I am having a Vagina Dentata night:
  
  
  
  We will be watching the campy horror flick Teeth (which I've actually mentioned on this blog before, and which is awesome and gross and feminist and just WAY too much fun). And we will be boozing it up.
  
  What does this have to do with my vegan food blog?
  
  Well, My friend P and I plan on having some vagina and penis-themed munchies for the folks attending.
  
  So check this blog out next week for the big reveal, and find out exactly what sorts of vulgarities we served up!

I Think I Could Turn and Live with Animals...

As most of you have probably noticed, I don't often discuss the philosophy behind my veganism on this blog. It's not for lack of wanting, but there's something to be said about sticking to just my potty-mouthed, hyper-sexualized recipe-rants so as to not alienate non-vegan readers (while also sneakily giving them non-confrontational reasons to contemplate "The Dark Side").

And despite the fact that I smack-talk and joke and filth it up and typically stay away from any vegan seriousness as much as humanly possible on this blog, trust me--veganism and animal rights are issues that are very dear to me, that I take very seriously, that make me feel so very heavy somedays, that can bring me to tears, and I have LOTS of thoughts on the matter (I was a philosophy major, for pete's sake).

I read a ton about veganism and animal rights issues (see my sidebar for some suggested readings if you're looking to become more well-versed), and in my head, I've crafted a solid argument for veganism from every side of the debate: from the ethical to the emotional to the environmental to the health-issue-related. And I've discussed various veg-related topics at various times on my regular blog.

So today, for your reading pleasure, I offer you a variety of links to my ramblings about various veg-related issues as posted on my regular blog.

Most of the links are to posts that were written a while ago, so some of them also bear witness to the evolution of my views on animal rights over the past few years (one such example is my adamant assertion that I would never date a meat-eater, a viewpoint which my current relationship has completely demolished). And most of you will stand in agreement with me on many of the views represented below. BUT some of the links may surprise you, as I have a fairly strong (and surprisingly atypical) opinion on topics such as vegan cats and freeganism.

So enjoy! And veganmofo!



The Whys of My Veganism:

• This is Why



• Happy Anniversary to Me

Freeganism:

• Freeganism

Peter Singer:

• "Sanctity of Life"

Vegan Cats:

• Vegan Cats

I’ll Have the Slightly Sweaty Dark-Haired Boy with a Side of Olives Please

                                    from Veganomicon


So back in May, I was wholly lustful after garlic-stuffed olives from the olive bar at my local grocer's. I was obsessed. Thankfully the obsession petered out quickly. But not my love of olives as a species. Nowadays, I'll do them in pretty much any way, shape, or form.

Enter Veganomicon's Seitan Piccata with Olives and Greenbeans. This dish, oh this dish.

Now, I will tell you that N-A didn't like this dish very much at all. Then again, he's not a fan of a) seitan, b) olives, or c) onions/shallots. So. I suppose it only makes sense.

But oh oh oh did this dish enflame my passions! Veganmofo! Just the thought of it is making me a tad bit moist on the upper lip.

Granted, my seitan did not come out as firm as I would've liked, but regardless: Biting into the pungent kiss of kalamata olives and capers tempered by the suave smoothness of white wine and slightly sweet shallots was like falling into the warm lips of a slightly sweaty and salty-lipped dark-haired boy who's been sipping on wine all night and whose warm fingers keep absent-mindedly smoothing out the hem of your skirt while he speaks to you in husky whispers that make all your wine glasses hum with appreciation.

*Spilling water all over my dress just thinking about it*

And leftovers… Leftovers! They're like rolling over in bed the next morning to find the very same boy curled up next to you, his warm, slightly pungent breath spilling out onto your bare shoulder as he sleeps.

Uh huh.

*Fanning self*

And the unfortunate thing is that, after all that, this recipe isn't posted on-line for me to repost here.

So hopefully this entry will get you scurrying to the store asap, that way you can have some breathy dinner fun of your own.

Baked Macaroni & Cheese

                          from VegNews

I immediately wanted to try this mac n' cheez recipe, partially because

a) the recipe's sweeping through vegan food blogs, and I've only read good things thus far,

and partially because

b) it's total MacGyver-style vegan mac n' cheez.

I mean, IT HAS NO CHEESE! AND IT HAS NO NUTRITIONAL YEAST! (Which, as most of you know, is usually the cheese-substitute in vegan mac n' cheez.)

It's like this recipe was created when some bad-guy dude locked MacGyver in a room where there was nothing but a potato, handful of baby carrots, onion, cashews, and some bread. And the room was rotating at 100-miles an hour on a platform over Niagara Falls. But MacGyver was all, All I need to saw through these barred windows is this nosehair that I tweaked from my own nose. And once I saw through THOSE, I will bite off the toenail of my big toe and THROW it in the mechanism that is making the room spin at 100mph, forcing it to come to a grinding halt, and then I will LEAP into the rushing waters of Niagara Falls, but will be saved by using a rope that I've crafted by weaving together my own pubic hair, pulling myself ashore to safety. But I cannot waste this potato, handful of baby carrots, onion, cashews, and bread that have inexplicably been left in the room with me. Thus, before I rescue myself, I will whip up... VEGAN MAC N' CHEEZ!!! Absurd? Perhaps. But I am MacGyver, and I can make anything out of anything. So: VOILA! Vegan mac n' cheez!


(MacGyver solemnly weaving
his pubic-hair-Niagara-
Falls-rescue rope...
Veganmofo.)

And lo and behold, somehow the combination of carrots, potatoes, cashews, onions, and various seasonings TASTES STARTLINGLY SIMILAR TO ZINGY KRAFT MAC N' CHEESE! It really kind of freaked me out. I had N-A taste it and verify, and he gave me a weird shocked look upon tasting and then asked if he could snag some for dinner.

The only thing that REALLY REALLY REALLY pissed me off about this recipe was the amount of salt called for. Typically, I only use about 1/4 of the amount a recipe has listed. But I got excited to finally use my sea salt, so I put the whole 2 t. in. And it was SOOOOOOOOOO salty I cannot even begin to tell you. And I'm a fricking MOLESTER of salt, that's how wrong my love for it is. So I've adjusted it in the recipe posted below.

Nonetheless, this is crazy-ass good mac n' cheez. I still prefer the creamiest mac n' cheez EVER simply because it's super fricking creamy and delish. But this recipe makes a nice easy stand-in for old-school krafty macaroni (and it COULD conceivably beat out the creamiest mac n' cheez ever once I try it again with barely any salt this time). And also, you can freak people out when you tell them what the cheez sauce is actually made of. And we all know how much fun THAT is.

INGREDIENTS:

• 4 quarts water


• 8 oz macaroni


• 4 slices of bread, torn into large pieces


• 2 T. + 1/3 c. Earth Balance non-hydrogenated vegan margarine


• 2 T. shallots, peeled and chopped (or an extra 2 T. onions if you don't have shallots handy)


• 1 c. red or yellow potatoes, peeled and chopped


• 1/4 c. carrots, peeled and chopped


• 1/3 c. onion, peeled and chopped


• 1 c. water


• 1/4 c. raw cashews


• 1/4 t. sea salt (or to taste)


• 1/4 t. garlic, pressed


• 1/4 t. dijon mustard


• 1 T. lemon juice, freshly squeezed


• 1/4 t. black pepper


• 1/8 t. cayenne


• 1/4 t. paprika

DIRECTIONS

In a large pot, bring the water and salt to a boil. Add the macaroni and cook until al dente. In a colander, drain pasta and rinse with cold water. Set aside.

In a food processor, make breadcrumbs by pulverizing the bread and 2 tablespoons margarine to a medium-fine texture. Set aside.

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. In a saucepan add shallots, potatoes, carrots, onion, and water. Bring to a boil. Cover the pan and simmer for 15 minutes, or until the veggies are very soft.

In a blender, process the cashews, salt, garlic, 1/3 cup margarine, mustard, lemon juice, black pepper, and cayenne. Add softened veggies and 1 cup cooking water to the blender and process until perfectly smooth.

In a large bowl, toss the cooked pasta and blended "cheese" sauce until completely coated. Spread mixture into a 9 x 12 casserole dish and dust with paprika. Bake for 30 minutes or until the "cheese" sauce starts to bubble and the top has turned golden brown.

(Serves 6+)

(Recipe from VegNews)

Suspicion

My cubicle smells like someone hid a meat sandwich somewhere in it today. It's grossing me out (and also making me paranoid that it's not actually a meat sandwich but my own B.O.--but it's not! I sniffed my pits several times to make sure, dammit!).

Anyways, a fleshier (growr) post coming your way later today. Promise.

Oh, and veganmofo.

PPS. The Double-Dog Dare Meme Taunt!

*bawk bawkbawkbawkveganmofobawkbawk*

PS. The Taunt

Clearly you all are a bunch of meme wusses. MEME WUSSES, I SAY!

VEGANMOFOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Answers to the Mystery Pictures From the Other Day That I'm Too Lazy to Link Back to So Just Scroll Your Ass Down to the Other Day For Pete's Sake!

(Boring bruschetta
using fresh tomatoes
from ye ol' roof-garden)

(Potato skins for Sunday
VEGANMOFO football)

(Butter bean burgers, I think)

(My eyeballs after those
pupil-enlarging eyedrops
that make you look like
you're going to flip out
and start knitting scarves
MADE OUT OF HUMAN FLESH)


(The Jolly Green Giant's
jolly green manbits)


Congrats to all of you who guessed correctly!

You can expect 100 bazillion invisible dollars to be popping up in your mailbox sometime in the next 4 to 6 business weeks.

Chickpea Gravy n' Biscuits

                                    from happyveganface


I made these on Monday after I dragged ass home from work. I didn't want to initially--cooking after I get home from 10+ hours of work isn't usually on the top of my list of things to do, mostly because I'm beat and hungry and don't feel like waiting an hour to eat and veganmofo. But Monday I told myself: No--you are making these today, otherwise you won't end up making them, and you bought the ingredients, so GODDAMMIT DO IT.

And I did.

And they were delish!

I'm falling more and more in love with chickpeas as of late, even with their CONSISTENCY, which was always a point of contention with me. But they work WONDERFULLY in this dish, which is weird because when you think chickpeas, you don't normally think of biscuits and gravy. But really: trust me. They work here.

This is also a nice simple recipe for the fall and winter--it's the food equivalent of a nice sturdy snowsuit.

I recommend.

The only change I might make for next time is to try out the Vegan Dad biscuit recipe. The biscuit recipe here works fine, but I gotta admit--I prefer the buttermilky ones.



INGREDIENTS FOR GRAVY:

• 3 large carrots, finely sliced (or a bunch of baby carrots, diced into rounds)


• 3 ribs of celery, finely sliced


• 1 large yellow onion, chopped


• 1 t. olive oil


• 1 t. margarine


• 1 t. poultry seasoning


• 1/2 t. onion powder


• 1/2 t. garlic powder


• 1/4 c. nutritional yeast


• 1 c. rice/soy milk


• 1 t. liquid braggs (or soy sauce)


• 1 tsp yellow (or mild) miso (optional)


• 2 T. whole wheat flour


• 1 T. cornstarch


• 2 c. cooked chickpeas


• 1/2 c. water (you can use some reserved bean water here)


• sea salt & black pepper to taste (if you like)

INGREDIENTS FOR BISCUITS:

• 1 c. all-purpose whole wheat flour


• 1 c. all-purpose white flour


• 1 T. baking powder


• 1/2 t. sea salt (or regular salt, to taste)


• 3/4 c. plain rice milk (or any vegan milk)


• 1 t. apple cider vinegar


• 1/4 c. shortening

DIRECTIONS

For the gravy...

In a large skillet, heat up 1 t. olive oil on medium high heat. Add in the carrots, onions, and celery - saute until the onions begin to brown. Stir in cooked chickpeas, saute everything for another 2-3 minutes, and remove the skillet from heat (keep the veggies & chickpeas in the skillet 'cause you're gonna put the gravy in there in a bit!).

In a medium sauce pan, heat 1 t. margarine on medium heat. Once melted, add in rice/soy milk, (reserved bean) water & seasonings. Combine well. Once the rice/soy milk is looking like it's going to boil a little, add in the nutritional yeast, liquid bragg's/soy sauce, miso (optional), flour, and cornstarch. Cook this for another 3 minutes stirring frequently (so as not to burn it) until it thickens. Salt & pepper to taste if you like.

Pour your gravy into the skillet with your sauteed mix of chickpeas, carrots, celery, & onions. Cook on medium (to medium-high) heat for another 2-4 minutes (adding more flour if needed to thicken it up--I actually had to add significantly MORE water to the mix cuz my gravy was way too thick). Remove from heat.

For the biscuits...

Preheat your oven to 350F. In a small mixing bowl, whisk together 3/4 cup rice milk + 1 tsp apple cider vinegar and set aside.

Combine the flours, sea salt, and baking powder in a large mixing bowl. Add in the shortening, and cut this into the flour with a fork until the flour begins to get a texture like uncooked oats.

Pour in the milk + vinegar mixture ("buttermilk") and combine to form a dough. Lightly knead the dough on your counter top for a few seconds combining everything evenly. The dough is really soft so you won't need a rolling pin - just use your hands to kinda pat out the dough to about 1" thick and use a kitchen glass to cut out some biscuits (6-8 large biscuits). Place the biscuits on a non-stick cookie sheet (or one lined with parchment paper) and bake for 9-11 minutes. Remove from heat & transfer to a cooling rack.

All together now...

Now slice a biscuit (or two, or three!) in half, smother with gravy, and enjoy!

(Recipe from happyveganface)

An "I Think About Rick Astley's Tacos While Sexing It Up With My Partner" Meme

So my blog feeder doesn't seem to be working, and it's kind of the internet equivalent of suddenly coming to the realization that there is no God--I am lost, forsaken, bored, sobbing, foxy, and in need of something to preoccupy me until I am born again, in the arms of the Interwebs. So I've created a meme. And it's a good one--the kind that makes your toes curl and your eyes roll back in your head and that you sneak under your mattress and only bust out once your husband is sound asleep.

So enjoy. I know I will...

The "I Think About Rick Astley's Tacos While Sexing It Up With My Partner" Meme



Quite often, people tend to stereotype vegans as moralistically stuffy, holier than thou, goody two-shoes-type folks who don't ever have any fun. (God knows, I never laugh, have sex for fun, eat sugar, get mad, or get tanked and do stupid shit. *Eye roll*) So I'm busting out this meme of my own today to shatter that stereotype.

If you decide to meme it up on your blog with this, gimme a shout in my comments so I can come check out what a bunch of pervs you veg*ns truly are. Oh, and if you ever want even HALF a chance of getting in my pants, link back, my babies. Link it. Ooh yes. Just like that.


What's your biggest guilty pleasure in the way of food?
I'm having a hard time answering this one, despite the fact that I'm the one who came up with the question. I'm gonna say faux-meats. I love them. AND YOU CAN SUCK IT, HATERS!

Have you ever done anything nasty to anyone's food and then served it to them?
Hm. No. If anything extra has ever been added to any food I've served, it's because I've accidentally dropped something on the floor--I rinse it off--or something accidentally fell in the food, such as a pigeon or toenail.

Have you ever lied to an omni, telling them you were serving them something meaty but instead serving them veg-food?
I don't think so. If I have, then I probably told them afterwards, in a "Surprise: what you just ate isn't meat"-type way.

Have you ever been arrested? If so, what for?
Yes. For being Too Sexy For My Own Good.

What is the weirdest thing you've ever done in the sack?
Weird is such a subjective word. I've done many a weird thing, but right now, the first thing that's popping into my head (mainly because parts of the evening were way out of sync with my personality) is the one time that a) I got it on with a boy, b) we then ate vegan pie, naked in bed, and then c) the dude showed me some of his knife collection. Ha ha ha.

Who's the weirdest person you've ever done (or thought about while) in the sack?
I sometimes have random people pop into my head while doing it. And then I get horrified that they're popping into my head while doing it, which just ends up making me think about them even more. i.e. parents, boyfriend's friends, etc.

If, for the rest of your life, you could only have sexual relations with folks in one manner/style/position, what would it be?
Probably having someone go down on me. And/or doggy-style.

Do you have any weird fetishes? (i.e. Turned on by orange oily feces)
Not really. I once thought my knees might actually be an erogenous zone on me, but I've yet to have this verified. Oh, and I get turned on by avocado.

What's your worst drunken experience?
Thankfully I've not had too many. Probably just extensive dry-heaving after too many Goldshlagger lemonades mixed with hot-tubbing.

If you could eat any vegan food off another person's body, what would it be?
Avocado. My god. If there is a heaven, it would be just slice after slice of perfectly ripe avocado arranged like lines of coke down the bellies of any/all the members of my harem.

Have you ever done anything naughty with a vegetable?
Well, that one time, in Tijuana, Banana and I got it on up against the dumpster in the alley.

Do you think your mom would sleep with me if I asked nicely?
*Realizing that this question does not make sense when I ask it of myself*

Do you have any tatts or piercings?
Five tatts, one (non-ear) piercing.

Any strange names for you and your partner's privates (and/or your sex toys)?
I call my vibrator "Papa Smurf" as it is big and blue. And I've decided to start calling my bits n' pieces "The Scorner of Men" as that is the best nickname ever.

Are you into PDA?
No way.

Have you ever cheated on a significant other?
Emotionally perhaps. But never physically.

Did you ever walk in on your parents doing it when you were younger?
I don't believe so. If I did, I've clearly blocked it from my memory. *twitching a little and sobbing*

What's one of the craziest things you've ever done?
See "Have you ever done anything naughty with a vegetable."

If you could get it on with any vegetarian you know--famous or not--who would it be?
Ok. It would be a toss-up between Forest Whitaker, who I just adore and find deliciously sexy in an unexpected sort of way, and Thom Yorke who I just found out is fricking vegan and who (coincidentally) also shares a strange lazy-eye with Mr. Whitaker and whose crooning makes my bones twitter and chirp.

Oh, and VEGANMOFO!

Holy Shit, Rick Astley, I Have No Clue Why, But Apparently You are My Taco Theme-Song for the Day

                        from the Vegetarian Times


I was about to start writing this post today, when all of the sudden Rick Astley's "Never Gonna Give You Up" exploded into my cerebrum with megaphonic force. Apparently either my tacos are telepathically letting me know they're a fan of Mr. Astley, or even weirder, RICK ASTLEY IS LETTING ME TELEPATHICALLY KNOW HE IS A FAN OF THESE TACOS.

Fuck.

Either which way: I DISAGREE, MR. ASTLEY. I would gladly "give these up" and/or "let them down" and/or "run around and desert them."

They were NOT impressive. At all.

There were just WAY too many things wrong with these tacos.

Ok. No. I lied. There were THREE things wrong with these tacos.


#1: They were so boring they made my ears hurt.


#2: Though they didn't take TERRIBLY long to make, for the amount of effort it took to make them, they shouldn't've tasted NEARLY as boring as they did.


#3: The recipe says this makes four servings. Four tacos = four servings? Seriously?? Who considers just ONE taco to be a serving?!? Dude--I can polish off 4 to 8 tacos in one sitting with no problem. And I weigh 130 lbs. wet. One taco?? That's like dinner for my left nipple.


Point being, fuck Rick Astley. These babies are not worth your while.

Nonetheless, I post. Because I know there are some of you out there who trust Rick Astley's taco opinions over my own.

And for that, I say, VEGANMOFO!



ROASTED TOMATILLO AND BLACK BEAN TACOS



Tip: To prepare fresh tomatillos, strip off the husks and rinse under warm water to remove any sticky sap clinging to the skin.


INGREDIENTS:

• 3/4 lb. fresh whole tomatillos, husks removed


• 1 small onion, cut into 1/2-inch pieces (1 c.)


• 1 small red bell pepper, cut into 1/2-inch pieces (1 c.)


• 3 large cloves garlic, peeled


• 3 T. coarsely chopped cilantro, divided


• 1-1/2 t. minced jalapeño pepper


• 1 c. canned black beans, rinsed and drained


• Four 6-inch corn or flour tortillas, warmed


• 1 small avocado, cut into 1/4-inch-thick slices


• 2 Tbs. queso fresco or feta cheese


• 1/4 c. frozen corn kernels, thawed, optional


• 1/4 cup low-fat (vegan) sour cream, optional

DIRECTIONS

Preheat oven to broil. Place oven rack 3 inches from heat source. Coat baking sheet with cooking spray, and spread tomatillos, onion, red bell pepper, and garlic on prepared baking sheet. Broil 12 minutes, or until tomatillos are blistered and charred, and onion and bell pepper are softened and charred, tossing once halfway through cooking time.

Pulse garlic, 1 Tbs. cilantro, jalapeño, and tomatillos 10 times in food processor, or until chunky. Season with salt and pepper.

Toss 1/4 cup tomatillo sauce with black beans, red bell pepper, and onion.

Fill tortillas with black bean mixture, and avocado. Garnish with remaining cilantro and corn kernels, if desired. Serve remaining tomatillo sauce and sour cream, if desired, on side.

(From The Veg Times)


These tacos have the Rick Astley Seal of Approval!

VEGANMOTHERFINGMOFO

Yeah, I don't so much understand--VEGANMOFO!--the whole "getting picked up by the feeds" dealio. So I'm just gonna--VEGANMOFO!--start randomly shouting VEGANMOFO in the middle of my posts for the month, that way--VEGANMOFO!--they get nabbed. Cuz I don't--VEGANMOFO!--think merely tagging them is doing it.

Internets, you so CRAZY! VEGANMOFO!

Red Lentil Curry Soup

                                    from Happy Herbivore


So my soup totally looks like I fed it a ton of chocolate ice cream, never cleaned off its mouth with a moist napkin afterwards but instead realized I was running late for a lunch-date with its grandma and so dragged it quickly through the park by its arm, in the process making it lose its pretty red balloon which in turn made its eyes whell up with tears, causing me to yell at it--"Stop acting like a baby"--causing it to cry even more, and then, about 15 minutes later, when the tears finally subsided and the hiccups were nearly quieted down, grandma showed up and started taking cutesy pictures of it while it was still sloppy with chocolate ice cream and tears.

Point being: clearly I need to wipe down the rim before taking pics. (TWSS!)

As for the soup: good, autumnal, spicy as hell (I used 2.5 t. garam masala and 1/2 t. red pepper flakes, fyi, and it was flame-mouth all the way), and needs something a little more in it, though I'm not quite sure what but I'm thinking apples and then I'm thinking I need to kick my own ass because that seems to be my solution to everything nowadays. Car's blinkers stopped working? Apples will fix it. Got a toothache radiating up into your eye socket? Apples! Your mother just got mauled by what looked like a wilderbeest but couldn't possibly be a wilderbeest in the middle of upscale Manhattan? Apples will save the day.

Nonetheless: something.

*COU veganmofo GH*

INGREDIENTS:

• 1 small onion, sliced thinly


• 3 garlic cloves, minced


• 3 c. of water, plus a little more


• 1 c. uncooked red lentils


• 16 baby carrots, sliced


• 1 bay leaf


• 1 t. mild curry powder


• 1″ fresh ginger, minced (or 1 t. ground ginger)


• 1 T. minced fresh cilantro


• red pepper flakes as desired (or other heat spice)


• 1/4 t. cloves


• 1-2 t. garam masala


• 1 c. fat free soy milk or lite coconut milk


• salt/pepper to taste


• cilantro for garnish

DIRECTIONS

Line a large pot with a thin layer of water. Turn heat on high and add onions. Boil/saute for three minutes, then add garlic. Continue to cook until most of the water has cooked off.

Add water, lentils, carrots, bay leaf, curry, ginger, cilantro, flakes and cloves. Bring to a boil then cover and reduce to low. Simmer 20 minutes (or until lentils are cooked and most of the water has absorbed). Stir in garam masala.

Let sit (no heat, but covered) 5 minutes - optional.

Transfer to a blender. Add soy milk or coconut milk. Puree until smooth and creamy. Salt and pepper to taste. Garnish with fresh cilantro leaves.
Note: the older the soup gets, the more flavorful it becomes– if you can, make it a day in advanced.

(Recipe from Happy Herbivore)

Mystery Dish Contest!

You know how some of those kids magazines from your youth would have those features where they'd show you a picture of something, but it'd be an extreme close-up of some aspect of it, and you'd have to try to guess wtf the picture was just based on the tiny little scrap of visual info they gave you, and you'd be all TOASTER OVEN! And it would end up being a unicorn. Or you'd be CAT IN A BAG SITTING ON A STOVE IN EUROPE! And it would end up being a snowman?

Well, I've seen SusanV (at FatFree Vegan Kitchen) tease us with contests involving similar mystery pictures: CASE IN POINT. And since I'm trying to get in 5 posts a week for VeganMoFo (*COUpipedreamGH*), today I bring you my own version.

But instead of winning a measly cookbook or something, if you guess what ANY of these dishes are, you will win...

*DRUM ROLL*

One hundred bazillion dollars*!!!

TAKE THAT, SUSANV! ; )

3 out of 5 of these pics are pictures of meals that I made that were meh and not worth posting about. 5 out of 5 pictures are not your mom. 2 out of 5 pictures COULD be your sister, but that's for me to know and you to find out. And 1 out of 5 of these pictures I had a recipe for but lost.

You have til Thursday morning, 6:30am.

May the force be with you.

One hundred bazillion dollars.







----------
*Dollars may or may not be invisible and only redeemable at Chuck E. Cheese.

Curried Apple & Lentil Dal

                                    from Everybody Likes Sandwiches


So I love curry and apples. Love. There is something so sexy to me about the way the sweetness of the apples rubs itself all up in the spiciness of the curry powder. A couple of my favorite cold-weather soups are apple-curry based: Quick Curried Red Lentil Soup with Vegetables and SusanV's Curried Eggplant Soup. Plus, apple recipes have the sweet kiss of autumn to them, so they've been making their way to the top of my "To-Make" lists as of late.

VEGANMOFO!

Needless to say, when I saw this super-easy recipe on Everybody Likes Sandwiches, I figured I should whip it up for lunches for the week, seeing as it was simple and would therefore give me more time to be distracted by boys. *COUisaGH*

I didn't have garam masala curry paste, mostly because I don't know what the fuck that is or where to even get it. So I just used some powdered garam masala and a few hefty shakes of curry powder, and that did the trick. This is a spicy-assed little curry though, so be prepared to sniffle it up while you eat (you may wanna adjust the quantity of garam masala if you're on the wussy side when it comes to spicy). But you'll also be graced by the sweet commingling of two very compatible ingredients, curry getting you all hot and bothered and then apple cooling you the hell down afterwards.

(Oh, and for once I don't feel like my photo is all that bad, considering Everybody Likes Sandwich's pic looks sasquatch-ian as well. Hee hee.)



INGREDIENTS:

• 2 T. olive oil


• 1 small onion, diced


• 4 cloves garlic, diced


• 1 T. fresh ginger, minced (I used 1 t. powdered ginger)


• 1 green pepper, diced


• 2 small MacIntosh apples, diced


• 2 T. garam masala curry paste -or- 2.5 t. garam masala + 3 good shakes of curry powder


• 1-1/2 c. red lentils


• 2 c. vegetable broth

DIRECTIONS

Heat oil on medium-high heat in a large pot and saute garlic, onion and ginger until fragrant. Toss in green pepper and apples and the curry paste, and stir everything until well combined. Add in lentils and broth, cover, and turn down heat to a simmer and cook until the lentils and vegetables are tender, about 25 minutes. Add a little water, if necessary, to prevent the dal from becoming to dry. Serve on top of brown rice and top with some plain yogurt or mango chutney. (Or alternately, you can just eat it by itself.)

(Recipe from Everybody Likes Sandwiches)

When Hummus Goes Bad

A woman I work with brought me in an enormous bag of fresh dill from her garden a couple weeks ago, which is what prompted the baking of the Fucking Motherfuck, which didn't even put a dent in the amount of dill stuffed in my fridge. So when I realized that it was going to take quite a bit of dill-recipes to use up my enormous bag of dill, I decided to whip up some dill hummus as well.

Now, I've met a boy. His name is N-A. He has a nearly perfectly round head, has mad skillz in nearly EVERY artistic genre, and hates it when I flick his nipples (while also secretly loving it). Consequently, I've been a bit distracted lately.

So when I'm not forgetting to take pictures, I'm misplacing recipes. Case in point is this hummus.

When I make hummus, I tend to make a thick, non-oily hummus, one that's moreso close to a pate--it's a throwback to my days at OU where I'd gorge on the local bagel shop's hummus bagels which were basically just thickly-mashed chickpeas. And it actually was pretty damn good. But unfortunately I haven't a clue where the recipe is.

So all I can tell you is

a) this hummus isn't real photogenic (as you can see from this pic),

b) this hummus has an attitude problem about the fact that it's none too sexy on film (as you can ALSO see from this pic), and

c) basically you can replicate this hummus by whipping up any generic hummus recipe, cutting back on the oil significantly, adding in one roasted red pepper, and tossing a handful of fresh minced dill into the mix.

Voila: ugly roasted red pepper & dill hummus.

Oh, and VEGANMOFO!

Yeah That Vegan Crap

Firstly, I'm trying this VeganMoFo thing out this year, but I hate staring at the banner on each entry, so first things first: It's over yonder in the sidebar, bitches. Deal.

Secondly, what's most exciting to me about VeganMoFo is that I'm guaranteed to have more blogs to read throughout the day when I'm feeling so bored that I have the urge to stab myself in the eye with the office scissors. Which happens more frequently than most of us would like to think.

Thirdly, I will post every day I'm able (though I can't guarantee 20 posts this month, simply because some of us don't have computer access more than 4 days a week, so unless you want to buy me a computer--which I will gladly accept and lay nekkid with in my bed and pet like a little toy poodle--you'll have to deal with 4 days a week). ((Somewhere my parenthesis went horribly awry, and now I don't) know where ) to begin( or end them *sob)bing*).)) If I can bring myself to do it though, I will try to post 5 times in 4 days, just to keep the powers that be happy.

Fourthly, your mom.

Fifthly, I just happened across THIS BLOG and I think I wanna rip off all her clothes. Not in a pervy way, but because HER CLOTHES ARE THE CUTEST. Though I guess if an accidental clotheless makeout session took place, it wouldn't be the end of the world.

Sixthly, it seems fitting to begin VeganMoFo with a tawdry, randy new list of The Most Bizarre Google Searches by Which People Stumble Across This Blog (click HERE for previous installments). Especially since the list has accumulated dramatically (and disturbingly) in a very short time.

This month, I offer you google searches in the form of a Q&A session between three stoned people, one of whom has Tourette's. We'll see if you can pick out which one that is.

DUDE #1: Why are vegans so thin?

DUDE #2: SPREADABLE MEAT. Chocolate covered banana shit. Chocolate turns your shit green. Tuna casserole tastes like shit. Picking peanuts out of shit. Expired tofu vomit.

TOURETTES DUDE: Motherfuck.

DUDE #1: Sexy parts of the body to lick?

DUDE #2: Hot dress ass.

TOURETTES DUDE: Mother fuck!

DUDE #1: Carol J. Adams will speak about her forthcoming book How to Eat Like a Vegetarian Even If You Never Want to Be One?

DUDE #2: Pussy licious!

TOURETTES DUDE: Vegetable fucking! Vegetable fucking ass!

DUDE #1: Cool vegans?

DUDE #2: Women eating shit porns. Women eating shit then having sex.

TOURETTES DUDE: Veganism is shit!

DUDE #1: Yeah i sometimes think things like that.

DUDE #2: I'm banging a vegan.

DUDE #1: Made little sister eat my shit.

TOURETTES DUDE: Motherfuck!