Mole Porn

                                    from Veganomicon

(Ok. Not really mole porn. But that should definitely yield for some interesting new google-searches.)

"Since when is eating moles vegan?" Buddddummmm chiiiii.

That, my friends, was my friend QBL's response when I began to go on and on about what a good recipe this is.



She is about as funny as a turnip. YOU HEARD ME, QBL!

Anyways: alas, no one has yet posted the Veganomicon mole recipe, so you won't find it reposted here today. But let me just tell you: it's totally worth tracking down the cookbook just for this recipe. Holy motha.

And I didn't even use the GOOD shit when it came to the a) chocolate and b) chili powder. I used Trader Joe's semi-sweet chocolate chips and shitty 99-cent chili powder. And yet, AND YET, I wanted to fill my bathtub up with this and roll around in it buck-nekkid except for maybe a small hat made out of tortillas. I can only imagine what would've happened if I had splurged and bought some fancy chocolate and some good chipotle chili powder. My nipples probably would've caught fire.

As you can see in the pic above, I served it over blobby, undiscernable items, namely seitan and zucchini, on a bed of quinoa. And man alive was it good.

It's nutty. It's rich. It's got kick. It's got weird texture but in a good way. It's chocolatey. And it's just sexy as fuck. Truly.

Make it. Douse your tacos with it. Douse your stirfried veggies with it. Douse your nekkid significant other with it. It's all good. Trust me.

Lick Me, I'm Vegan

I didn't cook much this past week, so to distract you from that fact, I bring you the latest edition of "The Most Bizarre Google Searches By Which People Stumble Across This Blog."

*Also flashing my boobies as further distraction--Celine, if you fail to compliment them, I will kick your ass*

PS. Somebody SOOOOOOOOO needs to start a blog that's titled after the first search. HOP TO IT.

*Drum roll*

• lick me i'm vegan


• how to enhance bloodflow to all parts of the body
  [rub a Lindy Loo all over it--just FYI]


• badass vegan
  [hells yes]


• hummus makes me shit


• chocolate ice cream shit sex


• which type of coffee induces the biggest shit?


• foods that make your shit stink tomato


• crispy treats


• ocd and fainting and a vegan


• shit dumpling


• extracting shit of sexy girls before anal sex


• can milk bring your shroom high down


• cayenne pepper eyelid twitch


• cookie masturbation


• baby shit in french

The Day the Grocery-Store Clerk Didn't Get Laid, or "A Tale of a Misguided Conversation, and Also Vincent Price Quesadillas"

Last weekend, I was at the grocery store, getting my groceries rung out. And of course I had a handful of garlic-stuffed olives in my basket (since they are my newest fetish, for those of you who haven't been keeping up). Anyways, the grocery-store clerk ringing me out was a skittish young boy who spent the time trying to flirtatiously chat me up, until he said the following words:

CLERK: Just 5 olives?

ME: Pardon?

CLERK: You're only getting 5 olives?

ME: Yep.

CLERK: Did you know that just ONE olive has all of your salt for the day?

ME: What?

CLERK: Olives. Just one of them provides 100% of your salt for the day.

*A slow tear rolls its way dramatically down my cheek as my love affair with the garlic-stuffed olives is basked in a not-so-forgiving light*

*The clerk awkwardly resumes his bagging*

*A tumbleweed rolls through the grocery-store clerk's sex life*

A moment of silence for the end of my love-affair with garlic-stuffed olives.



In other news, a half-assed, snackalicious recipe...



Cleary, quesadillas aren't real photogenic.

In fact, if I hadn't told you this was a quesadilla, you probably wouldn't know wtf it actually is. It conceivably could be pancakes with a smushy-inner-layer. It could be a really flat sandwich. It could be Vincent Price in hiding. It's really hard to say.



Nonethless, I whipped these up one day when I was studying my ass off and needed a break.

They're nothing particularly magical, mostly a quick-fix when you need something slightly greasy. But I thought they were yum.

INGREDIENTS:

• 4 taco-sized tortillas


• 1/2 of a 15-oz can of black beans, drained and mashed with a fork


• 1 ripe avocado, peeled and diced


• Diced fresh tomatoes, 1/3 to 1/2 c.


• Salsa or hot sauce to dip


• Vegetable oil

DIRECTIONS

Smash your avocado into your bean mix until you have a sticky, gluey (but slightly chunky) mixture. Take a tortilla and slather your bean/avocado mix on it thickly, leaving room around the edges to seal it (or not--as you can see, mine aren't sealed real well... the bean/avocado mix is sticky enough to keep them togehter). Smoosh another tortilla over it and seal the edges as much as possible by dampening them with a tiny bit of water and smooshing them together.

Repeat with your second set of tortillas.

Heat up some veggie oil in a skillet until hot. (I used maybe 1 T. since I don't like stuff real greasy.) Toss your quesadilla on it and grill one side until starting to brown. Flip. Remove after second side browns up nicely. Slice into quarters or halves. Repeat.

Chow down with some salsa or hot sauce.

Spicy Peanut Noodles

                                     from The Vegetarian Times


This recipe ain't really nothing special, but it made for decent lunches all week.

Plus, it looks perty.

So here.

Oh, and I made substitutions. They're asterisked. If you want to see the originals, click on the VegTimes link at the end.

INGREDIENTS:

• 8 oz. fettucine (b/c apparently I see no difference between fettucine and linguine--I'm noodle-blind)*


• 1/3 c. low-fat (or non low-fat) creamy peanut butter


• 2 T. low-sodium soy sauce


• 1.5 Tbs. white vinegar*


• 1 t. chile sauce with garlic*


• 1/2 t. sugar


• 1 medium-size red bell pepper, cut into thin strips


• 3/4 cup chopped seeded cucumber


• 3 green onions, sliced diagonally into 1/4-inch pieces (about 1/4 cup)


• 2 T. chopped cilantro


• 4 lime wedges, optional


• Water (I didn't end up using any of this and only just noticed it in the recipe, but you may wanna use some to thin your sauce out)*

DIRECTIONS

Cook linguine according to package directions.

Meanwhile, combine peanut butter, soy sauce, vinegar, chile paste and sugar in large bowl; whisk until blended. If sauce seems too thick, thin it with a little water; it should have the consistency of cream.

Add linguine, bell pepper, cucumber and green onions, and toss well. Sprinkle with cilantro. Serve with lime wedges, if desired.

(from The Vegetarian Times)

Penne with Beer-Stewed Artichoke Hearts

                                     from Christina Cooks

(This ain't the most thrilling of food pics,
but if you bust out your beer goggles to look at it
you'll definitely find it much more attractive.)
Ok. So what could possibly make for a better dinner than a nicely hopped mug o' dark beer accompanied by a nice hearty bowl of pasta? Hmmm. How about a nicely hopped mug o' dark beer IN your nice hearty bowl of pasta?!?

OH YES. YOU HEARD ME.

Seriously: how brilliant is this recipe? Artichokes and red onions stewed in your favorite dark beer and served over pasta.

Brilliant, I say. AND it's simple to boot.

The only change I would make with this recipe is to use a larger jar of artichokes (which I just realized is kind of funny because the on-line version of the recipe CALLS for a large jar of artichoke hearts--the cookbook calls for a 8-oz. one--so basically it looks like I'm saying to you, "A large jar of artichokes? NAY! You must use a HUMAN-SIZED JAR OF ARTICHOKES TO MAKE THIS DISH COMPLETE!!!!").

Anyways, I used the recommended size (which, like I said, was an 8-oz. jar in the book), and most of the time I found myself thinking, where the f- are the artichokes? Did the beer eat them? IS GREAT LAKES BEER ARTICHOKE-CANNIBALISTIC BEER? (I'm sure Great Lakes Brewery wouldn't appreciate such claims.) So yeah. Use a big ol' jar of 'em when you make this.

I also couldn't find arugula at the market, if you can believe it. So I used a "spring mix." Worked well. If you can find just straight arugula (instead of the flaming kind--buddummm chiii), then I'd just stick with that.

All in all, this is a fun dish to whip up. It won't blow your mind or give you multiple orgasms or anything. But it's definitely tasty. And, seriously peeps, you get to cook with beer. So even if it tastes like poop covered in poop dipped in poop and then rolled in finely-chopped poop, you get to cook with beer (and you'll be too drunk to notice anyways), so stop complaining.

INGREDIENTS:

• extra virgin olive oil


• 2-3 cloves fresh garlic, thinly sliced


• 1 red onion, thin half moon slices


• generous pinch red pepper flakes


• sea salt


• 1 large jar artichoke hearts (in oil), drained well, oil reserved--think 12-16 oz.


• 1 bottle dark beer


• 10 ounces penne


• 1 small bunch arugula, rinsed well


• balsamic vinegar


• 1/2 ripe tomato, diced, do not peel or seed

DIRECTIONS

Place a small amount of oil, garlic and onion in a deep skillet and turn heat to medium. When the onions begin to sizzle, add red pepper flakes and a pinch of salt and saute until onions are quite soft and beginning to brown, 5-6 minutes.

Stir in artichoke hearts, a pinch of salt and the beer. Cover and bring to a boil. Reduce heat to low, season lightly with salt and cook for 15 minutes.

While the artichokes cook, bring a pot of water to a boil and cook penne al dente. Drain well, but do not rinse. Toss the penne with a small amount of the reserved artichoke oil.

When the artichokes are ready, finely shred the arugula and add to the skillet. Remove from heat and stir gently to incorporate the arugula into the artichokes. Fold in the penne, with a light sprinkle of balsamic vinegar and transfer to a serving platter.

Serve garnished with diced tomato.

Makes 4-6 servings.

(from the Christina Cooks cookbook, and posted on-line at Christina Cooks.com)

A Trinity of Mundanenesses

The Story

I have this friend C at school. I refer to her as my girl-crush because I absolutely dig the shit out of her in such a way that I alternately want to be her and want to makeout with her. She is wicked cute, has a terrible potty-mouth, and has a wonderfully ridiculous but gruff sense of humor. Whenever we happen to eat lunch together, she's always apologizing for eating meat/fish-stuff around me, which I think is sweet (though unnecessary). I think she finds my veganism kooky but intriguing.

Anyways, a couple weeks ago, we're coming in from a smoke-break together, and there's this fat black ant inside the doorway. C promptly squishes it with her shoe. I reflexively blurt "Awww! What'd you do that for??" Immediately, C apologizes to me. "Oh man. I'm sorry. I just thought it probably shouldn't be inside..." I know she feels bad, so in return, I jokingly say, "Way to be mean."

A few weeks go by. I've completely forgotten about the incident. On Monday, we're outside smoking again. She says to me, "Oh hey. I thought of you the other day. I went outside and my son was smooshing ants. So I said, Hey, what're you doing? And he was like, What, mommy? And I told him, Don't smash those ants. They're just trying to get home to their mommies. And he said, They're lost? And I said, Yeah, honey. They're lost. So you should be nice to them." How fricking boss is that?

*Girl-crush ho!*



The Picture

Sometimes I'm not in the mood to ramble wittily/sexily/droolingly/evilly/awesomely/suspiciously about food. So I've decided that, for shits and giggles (and to keep people reading, even when I'm not so much in the mood to write), I'm going to occasionally post a picture of a certain aspect of my life and/or living space.

Today is one such day, so I post the first installment.

This is my wall of camp:

(You can click on the pic
to get a better look at the postcards)

It is located in my kitchen.

It began with the metal poster you see in the middle which I bought about five years ago. Then people began to send me campy postcards when they'd stumble across them. My sister got me the Flying Eyes one. The Lantzer got me Satan was a Lesbian. (Which is, of course, biographical nonfiction.) I nabbed a few myself. And the crowning glory was courtesy of my friend P: Naked on Roller Skates. One day, I was sitting in my kitchen, and I thought to myself, Damn. My wall of camp needs ONE more postcard to fill up that stupid empty space and make it symmetrical. I'll have to look around for one this weekend. Next day: Naked on Roller Skates showed up in my mailbox. Talk about cosmic/psychic powers.




The Shitty Sandwich

This was a delicious amazing sandwich in theory (nayo, roasted garlic, winter pesto, fresh basil, and tomatoes), but somehow ended up tasting just really kind of boring. It was nonetheless photogenic, so I share that at least.

Quinoa Salad with Black Beans and Sweet Potatoes

                                     from the PPK Forum


Sometimes I think that the limes I buy at the WSM have secretly been pumped with sulfuric acid. Now, I know I know: limes are highly acidic. A lot of people's mouths reactly strongly to them. Blah blah blah. But nonetheless, I still believe that the ones I bought this weekend were highly sulfuric. Reason being, I used them on this (extremely delish, springy, and simple) salad dish, and EVERY time I ate it all week, it felt like the insides of my mouth were rotting out. Kind of like the inside of my mouth were one of the nazis from Raiders of the Lost Ark:




You say: That's the norm for limes.

I say: Sulfuric acid.

You say: Not sulfuric acid.

I say: The melting of inner mouth-Nazis.

You say: Fine. Sulfuric acid.

I say: Booyah. I win.

Nonetheless, I really did dig this dish. It was delightful, tangy, sunshiney, sweet, and chock full of protein (hurray for quinoa). And it's a simple dish to whip up. I made a double-batch and it's lasted me all week.

The inside of my cheeks are not pleased.

But the rest of me sure is.

INGREDIENTS:

• 1 c. quinoa


• 1-2 T. olive oil


• 1 large sweet potato, peeled and diced


• 2 scallions, thinly sliced


• 1/2 t. dried red chile flakes


• 2 c. water


• Salt, to taste


• 1 sm. can black beans, drained and thoroughly rinsed


• Juice of 2 limes


• 1/4 c. chopped fresh cilantro

DIRECTIONS

Rinse quinoa. Heat oil over medium-high heat in a medium skillet (be sure you have a tight-fitting lid for the skillet). Add sweet potato, scallion, and chile and saute until fragrant, about 2 minutes. Add quinoa; toast for 2 minutes. Add water and salt.

Bring to a boil, reduce heat to medium low, and cover. Simmer until quinoa and sweet potato are tender, about 10 to 12 minutes. If liquid remains unabsorbed in the pan, raise heat to high and cook for 2 minutes until it boils off. (Mine was more moist than I would've liked, so I would probably use a tad bit less water next time. But it still was damn good regardless.)

Stir in black beans and lime juice and cilantro.

Serve warm or chilled.

(original recipe posted on the PPK Forums)