Scrumptious Turd Dogs

To be added to my menagerie of scatological recipes (i.e. ones that resemble dookie and/or puke) are Vegan Dad's homemade sausages.

Don't get me wrong: the recipe kicks serious dookie-shooting ass. And it's really super-simple to whip up.

But then there's this (fathers, shield your babies' eyes!!!):



Needless to say, when you wrap the sausages in foil BE SURE TO CINCH THE ENDS TIGHTLY.

Otherwise you and everyone else at your barbecue will call them Turd Dogs all night.



VEGAN DAD'S HOMEMADE SAUSAGES

INGREDIENTS:

• 1/2 c. pinto beans, rinsed and drained


• 1 c. cold vegetable broth


• 1 T. olive oil


• 2 T. soy sauce


• 2 cloves garlic, grated (with a microplane, or very finely minced)


• 1-1/4 c. vital wheat gluten


• 1/4 c. nutritional yeast


• 1-1/2 t. fennel seed, crushed (Lindy Loo sidenote: can you BUY this shit crushed? Because I've tried crushing it myself, and I don't even think the Incredible Hulk could pull it off.)


• 1 t. red pepper flakes


• 1 t. sweet paprika


• 1 t. dried oregano


• Several dashes fresh black pepper

DIRECTIONS

Before mixing your ingredients, get your steaming apparatus ready, bring water to a full boil. The rest of the recipe comes together very quickly.

Have ready 6 sheets of tin foil. In a large bowl, mash the pinto beans until no whole ones are left. Throw all the other ingredients together in the order listed and mix with a fork. Divide dough into 6 even parts. Place one part of dough into tin foil and mold into about a 5 inch log. Wrap dough in tin foil, like a tootsie roll. Don't worry too much about shaping it (EXCEPT FOR THE ENDS, PEOPLE--CINCH THOSE WIENERS TIGHT!/end lindy loo cry of desperation), it will snap into shape while it's steaming because this recipe is awesome.

Place wrapped sausages in steamer and steam for 40 minutes.

(Recipe from Vegan Dad)



(The rest of Lindy Loo's scatological menagerie can be found HERE.)

My Weiner is Coming Straight at Your Face!

DUCK!

Phew.

That baby almost just poked your eye out!

Anywho, these are the things I ate for Memorial Day weekend.

A weiner (this one is a safer shot!):



More technically, a Tofurky Beer Brat. I'm a fan of all Tofurky's weiners. They are plump and spicy and exploding with flavor. I barbecued it on my mini grill (thank you, ex-boyfriend, for kindly leaving me this as I love it), and my only suggestion is, if you do the same, don't overcook. These things need maybe two minutes on the grill with frequent rotation and they're good to go. Cook them too long and they dry out.

As I was being a lazy cook this weekend, I also decided to try out the Morningstar riblets this year instead of making my own:


And what a disappointment. These are the reason people mistakenly think veganism is for yuppies with money. $4.50 splurge, and I could've eaten the whole box of ribs in one sitting. There are two "racks" of ribs, all about as long as your pinky finger, and as wide as your hand from wrist to fingertip. WHAT?!? I could almost squeeze a whole portion of them in my mouth at one time! And for that price, I expected them to taste startlingly like ribs. I mean, I've made homemade vegan ribs, and while they're delish, they admittedly aren't remotely close to normal rib consistency. But for $4.50, you expect them to be surprisingly realistic. But these weren't even close. The consistency reminded me of some food from my youth that I still haven't put my finger on, but definitely not ribs. And they were just ok in flavor. But definitely not worth the money. Thumbs down to Morningstar riblets! If you want good vegan ribs, just make your own. Here are two great recipes: FatFree Vegan's Ribz & VegFamily.com's.

And finally, I made the Veganomicon Quinoa Salad with Black Beans and Mango:

                                    from Veganomicon

Sadly, I was only able to use about 1/3 of the meat from my mango because most of it was bruised and brownish. And also sadly, I've been shitting undigested black quinoa for days after eating this. Nonetheless, my mom loved this quite a bit, despite the fact that I was fairly indifferent towards it. But as it's super-simple and a good introduction to quinoa, why the hell not try it out sometime?



Quinoa Salad with Black Beans and Mango

INGREDIENTS:

• 1 mango, peeled and cut into small dice


• 1 red bell pepper, seeded and diced as small as you can get it


• 1 c. chopped scallions


• 1 c. chopped fresh cilantro


• 2 T. grapeseed oil (I used olive oil)


• 2 T. of red wine vinegar


• 1/4 t. salt


• 2 c. cooked quinoa, cooled


• 1 (15-oz) can of black beans, drained and rinsed

DIRECTIONS

Combine the mango, red bell pepper, scallions, and cilantro in a mixing bowl. Add the red wine (or balsamic) vinegar, grapeseed oil, and salt and stir to combine. Add the quinoa and stir until everything is well incorporated. Fold in the black beans. You can serve it immediately, or let it sit for a bit for the flavors to meld. It tastes great chilled or even better at room temperature.

(Recipe from Veganomicon, reposted at Happy Healthy Long Life)

Barry White Boston Baked Beans

Motherhump.

I had something to say about beans yesterday. Typed it all out. It was UNDOUBTEDLY brilliant, as all my posts are. But then, somehow, it got deleted.

So today, instead of brilliance, I bring you a little jingle... A sing-a-long, one might say... An itty bitty titty ditty... Which I'm sure most of you have never heard before.

Enjoy:

Beans beans the magical fruit.
The more you eat, the more you toot.
The more you toot, the better you feel.
So let's eat beans for every meal!

SING WITH ME!

So yeah: I also made these beans for the 4th of July holiday. I of course bought all the ingredients BEFORE noticing that it was a slow-cooker recipe and was all like, 9 hours in the motherf-ing slow-cooker? For BAKED BEANS?

But holy mother holy. After four hours, I tasted them and was like: Boring. After 6: Dull. Somewhere between 6 and 9, they got all sorts of Barry White sex-you-up smooth and sexy. They kind of just slid on up to me in my kitchen, pulled my head back, and started doing all sorts of sexy shit with their mouth on my throat. NNNNNNGTTTTTT yeah. I mean, I didn't even use fake ham 'cause I couldn't find it, so I think I ended up using something resembling bologna. And yet, THEY WERE NOT DETERRED IN THEIR SEXINESS.

I recommend.

Clearly.

ONE MORE TIME--BARRY-WHITE-STYLE!

Beans beans the magical fruit.
The more you eat, the more you toot.
The more you toot, the better you feel.
So let's eat beans for every meal!

INGREDIENTS:

• 1 lb. dry Great Northern beans


• Water sufficient to cover the beans


• 1 T. baking soda


• 1/2 t. salt


• 1 c. molasses


• 1 t. dry mustard


• 1 t. vegan Worcestershire sauce


• 1 c. firmly packed brown sugar


• 1 T. vegetable broth powder


• 1/4 lb. faux ham, roughly chopped (try Yves brand)


• 1 large white onion, diced

DIRECTIONS

Place the beans in a large kettle. Cover with the water and sprinkle with the baking soda. Bring to a boil. Cover and cook for 45 minutes, or until just tender. Drain, reserving the liquid.

Combine the salt, molasses, dry mustard, vegan Worcestershire sauce, brown sugar, and vegetable broth powder.

Place 1/3 of the beans in a slow cooker and add a small amount of the reserved liquid. Layer with 1/3 of the molasses mixture, 1/3 of the faux ham, and 1/3 of the onion.

Repeat in the same order until the remaining beans, molasses mixture, faux ham, and onion have been used, adding a small amount of the reserved liquid with each layer.

Cover with the remaining reserved liquid, adding water if needed.

Cook on low heat for 9 to 11 hours, or until the beans are tender.

(Recipe from VegCooking.com)

BBQing with the P-A-R

I remembered pics today.

IN YOUR FACE!

And I am posting not one but TWO recipes. *Making you lick my asscheek as penance*

So yeah. I did lots of grilling out this weekend. My ex-bf's grill got left with me when he moved, and I've been making really good use of it, if I may say so myself. Which I will. Right now: "I've been making really good use of it."

I cooked out on Sunday with my family. And Friday night, we had a bit of an impromptu last-minute small-scale bbq as well, after initial plans of seeing a brilliant musician-acquaintance play-out fell through (he is fantastic, go check it out).

I called P.

P called A.

A punched a baby.

I called R.

R punched A.

And it was a PARTY (minus the TY). GET IT. P-A-R TY. BUDDUMMMM CHIIIII. Fucking shit--why are you not PAYING me for this???

Anyways, we grubbed it up with ribz. I got to watch P attempt to cut an onion without actually touching the onion with her hands which was truly the funniest thing ever. We boozed. And we dragged ass to the end of my street to catch fireworks.

When I suddenly realized mid-dinner that I had forgotten to take pics of food, P said, "You should take pictures of us EATING the food. I mean, you never really post pictures of people actually ENJOYING the food you make." And so it came to be that I took pics of P, A, and R stuffing face. And so it came to be that I realized part of the reason that I don't usually take pics of people eating food is that they somehow look kind of angry doing so. Nonetheless, I post. Pics have been altered to maintain anonymity.





As for the food: THE FOOD! The BBQ seitan ribz rocked out. They were everything everyone had said they would be. I actually had better luck with them on Sunday when I cooked them on foil though, I must admit. They came out crunchy but delectably tender in the middle. My bro (stouthearted meat-eater) said, Man, it's amazing that you can make this shit taste so good. He also coveted (COVETED) the homemade bbq sauce. He stole all the leftovers, threatening to eat it with a spoon later.

Friday P also whipped up the chickpea quinoa pilaf from Veganomicon, and I was surprised and pleased by how yummy it was. I actually liked it enough that I whipped up another batch last night for lunches for the week. I recommend.

So here you go. Finally some recipes.

You may now tell me how awesome I am.

Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd go!

BBQ SEITAN RIBZ


                                    from FatFree Vegan


INGREDIENTS:

• 1 c. vital wheat gluten


• 2 t. smoked Spanish paprika


• 2 T. nutritional yeast


• 2 t. onion powder


• 1 t. garlic powder


• 3/4 c. water


• 2 T. tahini or other nut butter


• 1 t. Liquid Smoke


• 1 T. soy sauce


• 1 c. (give or take) of your favorite barbecue sauce (I used the Backyard BBQ Sauce from Veganomicon)

DIRECTIONS

Preheat the oven to 350 and lightly spray an 8x8 baking dish with canola oil. Mix the first 5 ingredients together in a large bowl. Mix the water with the nut butter, Liquid Smoke, and soy sauce and add it to the dry ingredients. Stir to mix well and then knead lightly in the bowl for a couple of minutes.

Put the dough into the baking dish and flatten it so that it evenly fills the pan. Take a sharp knife and cut it into 8 strips; then turn the pan and cut those strips in half to form 16 pieces

Put it in the oven and bake for 25 minutes. While it's cooking prepare your grill.

Remove it from the oven and carefully re-cut each strip, going over each cut to make sure that the ribz will pull apart easily later. Generously brush the top with barbecue sauce. Take it to the grill and invert the whole baking dish onto the grill (or use a large spatula to lift the seitan out, placing it sauce-side down on the grill). Brush the top of the seitan with more sauce:

Watch it closely to make sure that it doesn't burn. When it's sufficiently brown on one side, turn over and cook the other side, adding more sauce, if necessary. When done, remove to a platter and cut or pull apart the individual ribs to serve.

(from FatFree Vegan)






CHICKPEA-QUINOA PILAF

                                    from Veganomicon

INGREDIENTS:

• 2 T. olive oil


• 1 small yellow onion, chopped


• 2 cloves garlic, minced


• 1/2 t. cumin


• 1 T. coriander seeds


• Several pinches of freshly ground pepper


• 1/2 t. salt


• 1 T. tomato paste


• 1 c. quinoa


• 15-oz can chickpeas, drained and rinsed


• 2 c. vegetable broth or reconstituted bouillon

In a small stock-pot over medium heat, saute the onions in olive oil for about 7 minutes. Add the garlic and saute for 2 more minutes.

Add the tomato paste, coriander, cumin, black pepper, and salt. Saute for another minute.

Add the quinoa and saute for 2 minutes

Add the chickpeas and broth, cover and bring to a boil. Once the mixture is boiling, lower the heat to very low, cover, and cook for about 18 minutes, or until the quinoa mixture has completely absorbed the liquid. Stir occasionally. Fluff with fork and serve.

(from Veganomicon, as posted at Decoupage and Demitasse)

Cookouts and Flavor Flav

So yes: like most of you, I cooked out on Memorial Day Weekend. Actually more than once. I forgot to take pictures at the first cookout though, which is a shame because there was some good stuff there, like my mom's vegan taco pizza, for example. But oh well.

My second cookout was at my friend P's and was very laid back and feminist-ic. We sat out on her huge voluptuous porch. I cooked burgers on my ex's little grill. We talked about books we were reading, bands, some really bad movies that we're fond of. One of P's friends quietly knitted while we sat and bullshit. It was a nice nice day.

I whipped up some peanut burgers with satay sauce for everyone and dragged along some of Veganomicon's blinding potato salad. P made a delicious chickpea salad with basil and mint (recipe hopefully forthcoming). And we battled it out upon realizing we'd both baked VwaV chocolate chip cookies.

The peanut burgers were decent--nothing special. Though I must say, coupled with the peanut satay sauce, they were quite scrumptious. (The sauce isn't exactly the epitome of healthiness though.) The potato salad, on the other hand, I found sorely disappointing. My mom's boyfriend liked it a lot when I brought it to my brother's cookout, but I just thought it was bland bland bland. Then again, I'm kind of a traditionalist when it comes to potato salad, so maybe THAT'S why I didn't like it? Who knows. But honest to god, I found it really super-boring on the flavor front.



Nonetheless, I post both recipes here. If you DO go the bean-burger route, definitely try it with the satay sauce. It adds a much-need oomph.




Peanut Burgers with Satay Sauce



INGREDIENTS:

• 1 c. TVP granules


• 1 scant c. boiling water


• 1 T. tomato paste or ketchup


• 1 16-oz can pinto, kidney, or other beans, drained (I used kidney)


• 1/4 c. whole wheat bread crumbs (I used panko)


• 2 cloves garlic, finely minced


• 1/2 t. ginger powder


• 1 T. soy sauce


• 1 t. sugar


• 1/4 c. chopped peanuts


• salt and pepper to taste


• whole wheat flour for dusting

DIRECTIONS

Pour boiling water over TVP and tomato paste in a bowl. Stir and let rest for 10 minutes.

In food processor, combine TVP mixture and remaining ingredients except for flour and peanuts. Pulse until mixture is almost a puree. During the last pulse, add peanuts. Pulse just enough to mix.

Dust hands with flour and shape mixture into 6 burgers. Dust them lightly in flour. Layer the burgers with sheets of waxed paper and refrigerate for at least one hour.

Cook on a grill covered with foil for about 10 minutes on each side.



Satay Sauce

INGREDIENTS:

• 1 small onion, minced


• 1 clove garlic, minced


• 1 small chili pepper, chopped (or alternately, red pepper flakes to taste


• 1 t. sesame oil


• 1 c. natural chunky peanut butter (make sure it's natural--I made the mistake of not doing so, and it coagulated very strangely)


• 1/4 c. teriyaki sauce


• 2 t. brown sugar (or regular sugar works too)


• 1/4 c. water


• 1 t. tomato paste


• 1 t. sesame tahini


• salt & pepper to taste

DIRECTIONS

In a heavy saucepan saute the onion, garlic, and chili pepper in the sesame oil.

When translucent, add the peanut butter and stir until melted.

Add the rest of the ingredients. Simmer over medium heat for 10 minutes.

Serve over grilled peanut burgers.
(Posted at Award-Winning Veggie Burger Recipes)




Prospect Park Potato Salad


                                    from Veganomicon

INGREDIENTS:

• 5 lbs. potato, washed and peeled (I used red, I think the original recipe calls for yukon gold maybe?)


• 1 seedless cucumber, sliced thinly


• 1 large carrot, peeled and grated


• 1 c. vegan mayonnaise


• 1/4 c. Dijon mustard (whole grain)


• 1/4 c. olive oil


• 1/3 c. white vinegar


• 2 T. sugar


• 1 T. dried dill


• 1 t. turmeric


• 1.5 t. salt (to taste)


• 1 t. fresh ground black pepper

DIRECTIONS

Slice the potatoes between 1/2 and 1/4 inch thick. (If potatoes are large they can be cut into halves or thirds before slicing.)

Place potatoes into large stockpot, and fill with cold water about 4 inches above the top of potatoes.

Bring to a boil for about 15 minutes or until potato can be pierced easily with a fork. (With red potatoes, this took only about 5 minutes.)

While the potatoes boil, prepare the dressing.

If making the whole recipe, you will need the larges mixing bowl you have in order to add the potatoes later on.

Mix the vegan mayo, mustard, olive oil, sugar, vinegar, dill, turmeric, sal and pepper. Wisk together briskly. Add sliced cucumbers and place in the fridge until potatoes are ready.

When potatoes are done, drain and rise them quickly under cold water. Be sure to shake off any excess water. Add potatoes to the dressing and mix well.

Top with grated carrots and mix. Check seasoning and adjust as needed.

Refrigerate until ready to serve.

(from Veganomicon, posted at Recipezaar)

Cooking Out and Erin McKeown

This past Saturday, my friend Peppermint came over to go with us to see the very awesome and delectable Erin McKeown play at a nearby venue, but not before all three of us decided that we were gonna cook-out, despite the foreboding weather reports of massive thunderstorms (which never really graced my area, thankfully). Peppermint brought me boobs and Trader Joe's Roasted Red Pepper dip and pita chips to share. E made some black-bean concoction from Vegan Family Favorites (whose name I am not quite sure of), and I made veggie-burgers and fruit salad.

The veggie burgers were some extremely protein-rich, hearty ones from Vegan Ventures, and man were they good. I followed her directions to a t, except to substitute in fresh parsley and fresh oregano. As Kate said, they hold together really well on the grill, which is always a perk for veggie burgers. The only thing that threw me a bit was the amount of veggie-burgers it was supposed to yield: I followed the directions accurately, and yet I only had enough for 3 large patties and one slightly less buxom one. But then again: maybe I just suck.

I definitely recommend these though. They're not too complicated or involved to whip up, they are packed with protein, and they are really damn flavorful. So check them out.

KATE'S NEW AND IMPROVED BLACK BEAN BURGERS


(BEFORE)

(AFTER)

INGREDIENTS:

• 1/4 c. grated onion (I used red)*


• 1/4 c. grated red pepper


• 3 garlic cloves, minced


• 1/4 t. each of dried red pepper, cumin and chili powder


• 1 t. each of oregano and basil (or 1 T. each, fresh)*


• 1 T. parsley


• 1/2 c. coarsely chopped almonds


• 1/2 c. coarsely chopped sunflower seeds


• 1 t. sesame oil


• 1 15.5 oz. can black beans


• 2 tablespoons of water


• 3/4 c. of wheat germ

DIRECTIONS

After grating the red pepper and onion set them aside in a medium bowl. Combine the garlic, spices, almonds, sunflower seeds, and oil in a food processor and pulse until texture resembles bread crumbs. Transfer mixture to the bowl. Put the black beans and water in the food processor and process until smooth. Add this mixture to the bowl along with the wheat germ. Mix (preferably with your hands) completely. Separate into five balls and shape into patties. Make sure the patties are not too thin or they will fall apart. Grill for 8 minutes on each side, or until slightly browned. Enjoy with your favorite burger fixings.

Serves: 4-5

(Original recipe HERE)

* * * * * * *

On the side, I whipped up a very basic and simple berry-salad since raspberries and strawberries were dirt-cheap at the market and kept batting their big fat eyelashes at me all seductively every time I walked by. Fruit salads are always just, well, sorta fruit salads. But I'll share my recipe anyways--the mint made a nice addition, so if nothing else, at least you can take that idea with you.

BERRY NIPPULAR BERRY SALAD



INGREDIENTS:

• 1 sm. container strawberries, rinsed and sliced


• 1 sm. container raspberries, rinsed


• Juice from 1/2 an orange


• About 1 T. or so of mint, slivered

DIRECTIONS

Toss all your berries in a bowl. Drizzle the orange juice over them. Sprinkle with mint. Serve.

L and E's Vegan Barbecue Extravaganza!

(Graphic courtesy of the great Natalie Dee)

Oh cripes. Where to even begin?

This past Saturday, I decided to throw a little vegan barbecue. It initially started off as just a few folks, but then I thought, what the hell and continued to invite people. Given that we only had one tiny little camping grill to work with, I had to limit the number of course. But there ended up being about ten of us in all. It's funny because whenever I want to plan a large gala, no one can come, but when I get to thinking about having a small gathering, it just grows and grows until my best friend is begging me to let her invite her cousin's mom's ex-wife from his second marriage. Or something like that. Nonetheless, I was very pleased at the turnout.

The invitation made it clear that it was an all-vegan barbecue, a point that evidently threw some of my non-vegan friends (one of whom called me up thinking I'd accidentally invited him, saying, "When I got your email, I was like, I'm not vegan--she must've just accidentally sent this to me"). But goddamn if folks didn't go all out in embracing a night of vegan cookery.

My contributions to the bbq were corn on the cob, veggie lentil walnut burgers, and chocolate-covered bananas, but the definite highlight of the evening were the vegan 'smores, bless Ms. Lantz's vegan heart.

Vegan Food:

• Veggie lentil walnut burgers (recipe following) with homemade buns





• Veggie kielbasa and beer brauts





• Corn on the cob





• Lyndsey's homemade potato salad





• Stir-fried ginger eggplant and glazed tofu sticks from Mustard Seed





• Dave's inari sushi





• Chocolate-covered bananas (recipe following)





• Lyndsey's drunken 'smores

Vegan Booze:

• On the Border Frozen Margaritas


• Oberon ale


• Great Lakes Brewing Co. Beer


• Rolling Rock


• Yellowtail Merlot

Highlights of the evening:

• Smoking smelly cigars.


• Getting Mo stoned (and not having her try to crawl into anything this time).


• Blasting Neil Diamond as loud as possible on my stereo and dancing around to "Sweet Caroline."


• Watching folks attempt to deep-throat my chocolate-covered bananas.


• And of course...



Vegan 'smores! Arghlghlhglhgl.

Veggie Lentil Walnut Burgers

Ingredients:

• 2 1/4 cup dry lentils


• 4 1/2 cup water


• 6 tablespoons cider vinegar


• 3 tablespoon peanut oil or olive oil


• 3 cups onion, finely minced


• 12 large cloves garlic, minced


• 30 large mushrooms, minced


• 1 1//2 cup walnuts, very finely minced


• 1.5 - 2 teaspoon salt


• 1.5 cup fine dry breadcrumbs (plus one extra piece of bread, food processed into crumbs as well)


• TVP (texturized vegetable protein)--between 1 and 3 cups

Directions:
Place lentils and water in a small saucepan and bring to a boil. Lower the heat and simmer, partially covered, for about 30 minutes, or until the lentils are soft and the liquid is gone. Transfer to a medium-sized bowl, add vinegar, and mash well. Heat oil in a medium-sized skillet. Add onions and saute over medium heat for about 5 minutes. Add all remaining ingredients except breadcrumbs and TVP, and saute 5 to 10 minutes, or until all the vegetables are tender. Add the saute and crumbs to the lentils and mix well. Chill for about an hour. Gradually add in TVP to the mix until your burgers are firm enough for your taste (they should be able to form patties without crumbling or oozing all over the place formlessly). Return to the fridge for at least 30 more minutes. Form 4-inch-diameter burgers (aim for thinner rather than thick so they cook through better without burning first). Toss carefully on the grill and cook through, flipping a few times (carefully) until cooked all the way through. Alternative cooking: Fry in a small amount of hot oil on both sides until heated through and crispy on the outside, or broil for 5 to 8 minutes on each side.

NOTES : You can saute the vegetables while the lentils cook. The burgers can be made up to several days in advance and stored in the refrigerator until just before cooking. Uncooked burgers can be individually wrapped and frozen. Defrost before cooking.

Makes 12-18 burgers, depending on size.

Original recipe: HERE

I'd never made these before, and I typically don't like trying out new recipes at parties since you never know if they're gonna suck-ass or what. But the problem was, I'd never made *ANY* veggie burgers before, period. So I didn't have much of a choice.

These sounded really good to me and looked relatively easy to make, so I figured what the hell--I'd take the leap. However, the recipe called for lentils and I've also never cooked lentils before--that ended up being a major suckfest, given that the lentils turned into some lovely reddish mush resembling mashed potatoes by the time they were done. (If anyone has tips on the best way to cook lentils, please let me know--I'm guessing that the problem was that I didn't rinse them first...) I figured it wasn't a major problem since I was supposed to mash them anyways, so I mixed all the ingredients together as stated. Unfortunately, even after an hour's worth of refrigerating, the burger mix was pure mush. They looked startlingly like actual greyish hamburger meat (probably due to the mushrooms) and even smelled like it. But I tried grilling up a tiny sampler to see if they'd even cook correctly, and the outcome was more like a mushy formless pancake than anything resembling a burger.

So trying not to panic, I added in some pine nuts and almonds and an extra piece of wheat bread I had on hand (all of which I'd pulverized in my food processer). This didn't do crap, leaving the burger mixture pretty much the exact same consistency. Thankfully, I then hit upon a much better idea: TVP (texturized vegetable protein). Those of you who've worked with TVP before know that it sucks up moisture like crazy, so I figured this would be perfect for excessively mushy burgers. So gradually I started adding TVP until the mixture had firmed up quite a bit and I could tell I would be able to easily form the mix into patties. I ended up using about 2 cups, probably even more (I didn't take exact measurements) and let the burger mixture sit in the fridge for about 30 minutes more so the TVP could get to sucking up the flavor and everything.

I tripled the recipe so that I could make up to twelve burgers if necessary (the tripled version is posted above). But with the addition of the TVP, the mixture ended up being enough to make... at least 15 burgers (which was great for left-overs of course). With the addition of the TVP, the burger mixture formed easily into patties and, despite being tossed on the grill, they stayed intact (for the most part). And people really dug them quite a bit--they are a bit on the mushier end of veggie burgers (nothing like the chewier and meatier boca burgers or something) but they were really quite good and flavorful. I'd definitely recommend the addition of TVP to the recipe--just keep adding it slowly until the patties are at the right consistency to suit your taste.

Cradle them in some fricking amazing Big Bread veggie-burger buns, courtesy of the delectable Ms. Lantz and you'll have a helluva good grillable veggie-burger.


Chocolate-Covered Frozen Nanners


Talk about ineptitude--how hard could chocolate-covered frozen bananas possibly be? I mean, the directions on how to make them ARE RIGHT IN THE NAME OF THEM. Freeze them, cover them in chocolate.

And yet, somehow I managed to make this the most difficult endeavor possible.

After peeling ten bananas, cutting the very ends off, sticking shishkbabob-sticks up their bums, and then freezing them for a few hours, I moved on to the chocolatey part of the process.

First, I managed to tank my chocolate by adding in some soy milk to the mix. It immediately seized and turned into unmanageable guck. I HATE WHEN CHOCOLATE SEIZES and must remember not to keep trying to add soy milk to it. *sigh*

I tossed that batch of stinky poo. I then tried again with some new chocolate chips and without the soy milk with a little bit better success. However, when your apartment is about 85 degrees (at least) and the bananas are quickly unfreezing as you try to slather them with chocolate, despite your most valiant efforts, this *also* causes the chocolate to sieze up as you're trying to dip and spread. So what seemed ridiculously easy quickly began to get on my last nerve. But I floundered my way through them, ending up with just the right amount of chocolate to cover all ten, despite tanking the first batch of chocolate chips.

After each banana was coated in chocolate, I immediately rolled them around in a plate that I'd filled with pulverized Oreos, coating them with even more chocolatey-goodness.

All in all, they came out well and people dug them. They just were a royal pain in the ass. So if anyone has tips on how to do some chocolatey-dipping without so much angst, please feel free to share.

INGREDIENTS:

10 bananas, frozen and stuck with shishkabob sticks
Somewhere around 18 oz. of vegan semi-sweet chocolate chips
Pulverized vegan Oreos

* * * * * * * * * * * *

There was tons of fantastic homemade (and supposedly homemade--Mo!) food Saturday night, and I was impressed with the time and effort folks put into whipping up some good grub for the party. It's nice to see people supporting and enjoying what really is some damn good vegan grub. I heard many orgiastic grunts from folks while consuming various nibblings, I heard frequent comments along the lines of "Holy crap, these vegan marshmallows taste even better than regular marshmallows," and I saw many visages covered in glorious glorious chunks of oozy goozy food, so needless to say I was very very pleased. It is nice to hear doubtful omnivores get wooed into ecstasy by vegan food, let me tell you. A Fourth of July miracle, one might even say! And it's really nice to not be the odd-man out at a barbecue.

And after all was said and done, I now have *way* too much vegan beer jam-packed into my fridge. So don't expect to see me sober until the end of the month at least. ; )



So thanks to everyone who came and cooked and bought and made the barbecue a fantastique time!



Oh, and I guess folks are right--I clearly and undeniably AM a dirty hippy after all:

Orange-Bourbon Shishkabobs w/ Tofurkey Kielbasa, Blueberry and Wild-Rice Salad, and Mint Juleps, to Boot!

As mentioned earlier in the week, Saturday night I had plans to party it up Mark-Twain-style, and so we busted out the barbecue, the mint juleps, and the Mark Twain and had ourselves a sweltering, church-going, plantation kind of night! Why, you ask? Well, mostly just because I wanted to try out this Orange-Bourbon Marinade recipe I'd stumbled across and wanted to use for shishkabobs, which meant buying some bourbon, which in turn meant finding uses for bourbon, which in turn meant finally trying a damn mint julep, which in turn meant (of course) reading some Mark Twain.

Saturday afternoon, I whipped up this extremely simple (but flavorful) marinade and tossed some baby 'bellas, onion chunks, and diced up tofu into it to marinate throughout the afternoon and into the evening. I also boiled up some red baby potatoes so that we could throw them on the skewers as well and they wouldn't take excessively-long to grill.


ULTIMATE INGREDIENTS OF THE SHISHKABOBS:

Extra-firm tofu, chunks of onions, and baby 'bellas, all marinated in the Orange-Bourbon Marinade
One red-pepper, chunked
One green-pepper, chunked
5 red baby potatoes (pre-cooked and sliced in two)

Orange-Bourbon Marinade: RECIPE

E also found himself with a hankering for kielbasa that afternoon, so he picked up some Tofurkey kielbasa for us to grill up as well, along with a homemade batch of peasant-bread that he'd made the night before.


To top all that off, I picked up some no-cook fresh ears of corn at the market on Friday--I love this corn way the hell up... It is so gloriously sweet and tender that you can eat it right off the cob without ever needing to cook it. If you haven't tried it, you must.

And finally, I whipped up a batch of Blueberry and Wild-Rice Salad that I'd also been eyeing all week, and damn was it good. The most complicated part about the recipe was the dressing, but it was well-worth the grating effort. The only adjustments I made (or would make in the future) were that I used a variety of dried fruit (since I didn't wanna spend $6+ on buying a bag of apricots and a bag of cranberries) and in the future, I would probably cut the amount of oil in the dressing in half (if not more) as it was much greasier than it needed to be, especially for a fruit and rice salad. But seriously, well-worth the time and effort as it was wonderfully flavorful and summery-tasting.


Blueberry and Wild-Rice Salad: RECIPE

And of course, the night wouldn't've been complete without some homemade mint juleps... Man alive, these babies were strong--I'd imagine there's a helluva lot of drunken southern ladies sitting out on their porches, fanning themselves desperately on a nightly-basis if these really are the cat's pajamas down south. =)


INGREDIENTS (For one mint julep):

Ice
3 oz Jim Beam bourbon
5+ sprigs of fresh mint
1 t. sugar

Mix and try to make it through to that last sip, as it is the best one.

All in all it was a very spirited and fun evening, and I'd definitely recommend both recipes for grilling out with friends or family. I'd've said all that in a mock-southern drawl, but you'd just end up making fun of me. =)

OBLIGATORY READING: "The Celebrated Jumping Frog of Calaveras County" by Mark Twain