Thursday, February 07, 2008

Licking Lips All Seductively and Shit

In case you hadn't noticed--and how could you possibly NOT, given that we're suddenly being inundated with every horrid and nauseating jewelry commercial in town (and also that damn cell phone ad that is being marketed towards V-Day buyers and which, goddamn them, is whoring out Ryan Adams to sell phones)--V-Day is next week. So I figured it would probably do us all some good to brush up on our common vegan aphrodisiacs.

Now, as most of you know, I'm not a big supporter of V-Day, but I *DO* support getting laid, and if the existence of V-Day helps you get into that certain somebody's pants, then *tip of the hat* to V-Day.

*Sidenote [which is not vegan-related but will tie into aphrodisiacs]: While I was in the restroom yesterday, washing my hands, I happened to look in the mirror and thought, Oh my: You look kind of cold there, Ms. Lindy Loo, what with your little niplets poking out all pertly like that through your shirt. But then I realized that I was wearing a thick-bra SO THERE'S NO WAY THAT MY NIPPLES COULD BE POKING OUT FROM THE COLD. Which made me realize this: I think my bra has been manufactured to LOOK like I am in a constant state of nippular erectness, even when I'm not. How f-ed up is that? And this ain't no Victoria's Secret bra, ladies & gents. It's off the cheap-ass rack at Target. *Color me mildly disturbed*

This reminded me that I once read somewhere that hard nipples attract potential mates. Not in the OBVIOUS "ooh look it's nipples"-type way, but in some subconscious-type way. I think I also read that dilated pupils do the same. How strange is that?

In case you have neither of these to flaunt, I offer you a list of some bad-ass
vegan aphrodisiacs
(and some articles to fill in the blanks where my information leaves off) to take advantage of instead.

Be sure to click on this mp3 before you start reading, and GET YOUR SEXY ONNNNNN. *ooh*

[[ LISTEN ]]


"A symbol of fertility throughout the ages. The aroma is thought to induce passion in a female."[2] *Dabbing on the almond extract*

Basil (sweet basil)
"Is said to stimulate the sex drive and boost fertility. It is also said to produce a general sense of well being for body and mind."[2] This makes me very happy to know, because even just the glorious SCENT of basil makes my toes curl.

Either eaten plain or slathered all over the naked body of an Adonis-like (or Aphrodite-like) creature, "Chocolate contains chemicals thought to effect neurotransmitters in the brain and a related substance to caffeine called theobromine. Chocolate contains more antioxidant (cancer preventing enzymes) than does red wine. The secret for passion is to combine the two"[2], that way you can be sexy *AND* cancer-free--woot woot! I suggest the following combination: Sit back with a glass of wine while you have your partner slather chocolate all over their nekkid body, offering you some glorious chocolatey eye candy. Once you've taken your last sip, start a-licking.

(Sex that giant chocolate bar UP, baby!)

Chili Peppers
"These sizzling veggies will spice up your meal and your evening! Adding chili peppers to your dishes gets your heart pumping and produces neurochemicals known as endorphins, which make you happier."[3] But mother of god, if you dabble in the chili pepper realm, please heed my WORD OF WARNING and either wear rubber gloves or wash your hands really really good before, well, touching people's naughty bits and pieces. Otherwise your sexy evening will very abruptly (and painfully) come to an end.

I like THIS entry because all of the sudden a rather conservative article gets all racy and innuendoey:

"Serve small amounts of rich dark coffee in special little demitasse cups. Coffee stimulates both the body and the mind so partake of a little in preparation for an "all-nighter"."[2] Let's think about this a minute. CupS? As in, plural? All-nighter? As in "all night?" Clearly Gourmet Sleuth likes to dabble in orgies.

"The 'heat' in garlic is said to stir sexual desires. Make sure you and your partner share it together."[2] Translation: Things ain't gonna be all bow-chicka-bow-wow if only one of you has garlic breath.


"Seasoning your meals with ginger will enhance blood flow to all parts of your body..."[3] Then again, so will sex--at least to the important parts--so either/or works for me.

Um, hairy bags o' sperm-manufacturing man-flesh? Not the first thing I think of when I think of sexy. *BUDDDUMMM CHIII*

Pine Nuts
"Zinc is a key mineral necessary to maintain male potency and pine nuts are rich in zinc. Pine nuts have been used to stimulate the libido as far back as Medieval times. Serve pine nut cookies with a dark espresso for a stimulating dessert."[2]

And I must note that some numbskull actually listed ALCOHOL out as an aphrodisiac[1]. Um, der.

Strangely, avocado is noticeably absent from many of these lists, which is nothing short of shocking to me seeing as almost every trip I make for sushi consists of me emitting an embarassing series of brief orgasmic squeakings throughout all of dinner, forcing other restaurant patrons to gasp and avert their eyes in horror.

Thankfully one sexy individual remembered to mention it:

"The Aztecs called the avocado tree "Ahuacuatl which translated means "testicle tree". The ancients thought the fruit hanging in pairs on the tree resembled the male's testicles. This is a delicious fruit with a sensuous texture. Serve in slices with a small amount of Balsamic vinegar and freshly ground pepper."[2]

Also: For those of you not in the know, according to "google images," Eminem is also a tasty aphrodisiac, as is a giant flaming heart floating through the balmy oceanic air:

(Let me lick you down, you vegan bitches.)

Now that that's all said and done:

Someone get the hell over to my house stat so I can do some avocado body-shots off of you and get this van a-rockin'!

"Foods of Love"

"Aprhodisiac Foods"

"Vegan Aphrodisiacs"

Other reading:

"The Aphrodisiac"

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