Fucking Motherfuck

                                    from VegCooking

Few of you have probably actually HEARD of the rare italian delight, the Fucking Motherfuck. It is probably best described as the little sister to the calzone: a wealth of veggies and spices wrapped in a delicately herbed crust.

A Fucking Motherfuck, huh? you're now saying to yourself. I've surely never seen THAT on the menu at any Italian restaurant. How does one go about preparing a Fucking Motherfuck?

Well, basically prep time is no more involved than making a pizza or a calzone. What you do is, while your pizza stone heats up in the oven at about 500F or so, you roll out pizza dough into the shape of a 14" pizza crust. You then place the crust on top of your wooden pizza paddle and top it with all your seasonings and toppings as you would if you were making an actual pizza.

Here is where the prep deviates from the standard pizza-baking: instead of gingerly sliding your pizza crust off the pizza paddle and onto the warm and inviting pizza stone as you would a standard pizza, you should instead BEGIN to do just that, but the crust should decide to stick to your pizza paddle. You should then take a spatula and attempt to loosen the crust on all sides from the pizza paddle. Follow this up by attempting to slide it off onto your pizza stone again--if you've made your Fucking Motherfuck correctly, you will realize that it is still sticking to your pizza paddle (like the Fucking Motherfuck it is). You should then cuss at it under your breath (presumably this is how it got its name) and attempt to loosen it from the pizza paddle a second time with your spatula.

Try once more to slide it off onto the pizza stone [PLEASE NOTE: to correctly bake a Fucking Motherfuck, your crust should not be jammed at by your spatula more or less than twice, otherwise your Fucking Motherfuck will not cook as it should], and when this fails a third time, begin to thrust your spatula sporadically underneath the crust, with a hint of frustrated desperation, and jam it hastily onto the pizza stone. Given that most of your crust will still be stuck to the paddle, your pizza should then completely invert itself and end up spilling onto your pizza stone, topping side face-down. When this happens, be sure to let out a frustrated wail and shout the name of your Italian delicacy once more, for all the neighbors to hear.

Once your pizza crust and toppings have been completely inverted onto your pizza stone, you are well on your way to baking a successful Fucking Motherfuck. You should then frustratedly smash it all together, with a sense of desperate nihilism. Presumably, you will want to get SOME of the crust underneath your toppings, but whatever. As long as it's all in a big heap of vegetable-doughy sloppiness, your Fucking Motherfuck is on the fast-track to success!

Slam the oven door shut loudly (if you'd like, you can slam it one or two more times, just for good measure) and then let your Fucking Motherfuck bake for about 15 minutes or so. You will not be able to tell for certain it is done, as it will look like a mound of half-burnt, crusty, doughy vegetables, but as long as the crust has begun to brown and the vegetables appear to be sizzling, you should be ok. (If you'd like, you can tear off a bit of the crust right now, just to doublecheck how done it is.) When cooked through, remove from the oven and let cool.

Treat your Fucking Motherfuck as you would a calzone--you can just eat it as is or serve it with a side of tomato sauce.

Your Fucking Motherfuck will serve 2-3.

Below is a recipe for a Dill & Vegetable Fucking Motherfuck, but you can fill your Fucking Motherfuck with whatever toppings your little heart desires.


DILL & VEGETABLE FUCKING MOTHERFUCK

INGREDIENTS:

• 2 T. vegan margarine


• 1/2 c. onions, thinly sliced


• 1 vegan pizza dough


• 1 garlic bulb


• 1/2 c. minced dill


• 3 firm Roma tomatoes, thinly sliced


• 1 small eggplant, thinly sliced (I also salted it and let it drain for 1/2 an hour and then rinsed and patted it dry)


• 3 T. extra-virgin olive oil

DIRECTIONS

Preheat the oven to 425F if you are making the pizza version, 500F if you are making a Fucking Motherfuck.

In a medium sauté pan over medium heat, melt the margarine. Sauté the onions until caramelized. Set aside.

Roll out the pizza dough to 1/4-inch thick. Spread with the garlic and sprinkle with 1/2 of the dill. Arrange the onions, tomatoes, and eggplant on top. Brush with the oil and sprinkle with the remaining dill.

Transfer into your oven or onto your pizza stone (if you are making a Fucking Motherfuck, follow the directions detailed above).

Bake for 10 to 12 minutes for a pizza (15-20 for a Fucking Motherfuck), until the dough is crispy and the vegetables are soft.

(Recipe from VegCooking)