Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Fucking Motherfuck


                                    from VegCooking

Few of you have probably actually HEARD of the rare italian delight, the Fucking Motherfuck. It is probably best described as the little sister to the calzone: a wealth of veggies and spices wrapped in a delicately herbed crust.

A Fucking Motherfuck, huh? you're now saying to yourself. I've surely never seen THAT on the menu at any Italian restaurant. How does one go about preparing a Fucking Motherfuck?

Well, basically prep time is no more involved than making a pizza or a calzone. What you do is, while your pizza stone heats up in the oven at about 500F or so, you roll out pizza dough into the shape of a 14" pizza crust. You then place the crust on top of your wooden pizza paddle and top it with all your seasonings and toppings as you would if you were making an actual pizza.

Here is where the prep deviates from the standard pizza-baking: instead of gingerly sliding your pizza crust off the pizza paddle and onto the warm and inviting pizza stone as you would a standard pizza, you should instead BEGIN to do just that, but the crust should decide to stick to your pizza paddle. You should then take a spatula and attempt to loosen the crust on all sides from the pizza paddle. Follow this up by attempting to slide it off onto your pizza stone again--if you've made your Fucking Motherfuck correctly, you will realize that it is still sticking to your pizza paddle (like the Fucking Motherfuck it is). You should then cuss at it under your breath (presumably this is how it got its name) and attempt to loosen it from the pizza paddle a second time with your spatula.

Try once more to slide it off onto the pizza stone [PLEASE NOTE: to correctly bake a Fucking Motherfuck, your crust should not be jammed at by your spatula more or less than twice, otherwise your Fucking Motherfuck will not cook as it should], and when this fails a third time, begin to thrust your spatula sporadically underneath the crust, with a hint of frustrated desperation, and jam it hastily onto the pizza stone. Given that most of your crust will still be stuck to the paddle, your pizza should then completely invert itself and end up spilling onto your pizza stone, topping side face-down. When this happens, be sure to let out a frustrated wail and shout the name of your Italian delicacy once more, for all the neighbors to hear.

Once your pizza crust and toppings have been completely inverted onto your pizza stone, you are well on your way to baking a successful Fucking Motherfuck. You should then frustratedly smash it all together, with a sense of desperate nihilism. Presumably, you will want to get SOME of the crust underneath your toppings, but whatever. As long as it's all in a big heap of vegetable-doughy sloppiness, your Fucking Motherfuck is on the fast-track to success!

Slam the oven door shut loudly (if you'd like, you can slam it one or two more times, just for good measure) and then let your Fucking Motherfuck bake for about 15 minutes or so. You will not be able to tell for certain it is done, as it will look like a mound of half-burnt, crusty, doughy vegetables, but as long as the crust has begun to brown and the vegetables appear to be sizzling, you should be ok. (If you'd like, you can tear off a bit of the crust right now, just to doublecheck how done it is.) When cooked through, remove from the oven and let cool.

Treat your Fucking Motherfuck as you would a calzone--you can just eat it as is or serve it with a side of tomato sauce.

Your Fucking Motherfuck will serve 2-3.

Below is a recipe for a Dill & Vegetable Fucking Motherfuck, but you can fill your Fucking Motherfuck with whatever toppings your little heart desires.


DILL & VEGETABLE FUCKING MOTHERFUCK

INGREDIENTS:
  • 2 T. vegan margarine

  • 1/2 c. onions, thinly sliced

  • 1 vegan pizza dough

  • 1 garlic bulb

  • 1/2 c. minced dill

  • 3 firm Roma tomatoes, thinly sliced

  • 1 small eggplant, thinly sliced (I also salted it and let it drain for 1/2 an hour and then rinsed and patted it dry)

  • 3 T. extra-virgin olive oil

DIRECTIONS

Preheat the oven to 425F if you are making the pizza version, 500F if you are making a Fucking Motherfuck.

In a medium sauté pan over medium heat, melt the margarine. Sauté the onions until caramelized. Set aside.

Roll out the pizza dough to 1/4-inch thick. Spread with the garlic and sprinkle with 1/2 of the dill. Arrange the onions, tomatoes, and eggplant on top. Brush with the oil and sprinkle with the remaining dill.

Transfer into your oven or onto your pizza stone (if you are making a Fucking Motherfuck, follow the directions detailed above).

Bake for 10 to 12 minutes for a pizza (15-20 for a Fucking Motherfuck), until the dough is crispy and the vegetables are soft.

(Recipe from VegCooking)

43 comments:

Anonymous said...

How do you think credit crunch affected porn?

Anonymous said...

Fantastic. And it even keeps over the weekend!

Lisa said...

LMAO!!! Totally not laughing at your misfortune, though. I am really impressed by your ability to bounce back from such a traumatizing experience!!

I hate when shit like that happens. It probably looked beautiful too before things went awry. Frigger.

plume said...

Love that...
Here in France we say that a good laugh equals a good steak, then your blog is helping me eat less meat, so to say... ;-)

Level 20 bard said...

I've had similar pizza mishaps, last time my dough fell on the burner in the oven since I bumped my hand on the rack.
I am glad to see that there are room for such awesome delicacies though in the world after all.
At least the great taste is still there!

greentangle said...

There are so many completely different recipes with that same name!

Leigh said...

Oh, I've had a fucking motherfuck before! I just didn't realize I was calling it by it's proper name.

Virginia said...

I bet it was still delicious!

allularpunk said...

hilariously awesome. btw, it might have been cause for serious frustration, but honestly when i saw the pic at the top i thought it looked really good :P

Jessy said...

oh my shit, Lindy Loo! i can't stop laughing! people are looking over top their cubes my way and wondering what the hell is go'n on! aaaaaaaaahahahaha! you're the best! and i think your Fucking Motherfuck looks tasty as hell!

hot damn.

Tammy said...

THANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOU! I so needed a good laugh!

Ulle said...

Absolutely the best laugh I've had for
months. Thank you.
I was written up for less colorful language than that.

Jaime said...

Ohmygod I love your blog so much.

Aimee said...

In my house we call that recipe a "damn-it-all-to-the-flaming-pits-of-hell". Still good, though!

Eva said...

I honestly thought the first picture looked good, too.
Thanks for the laugh.

Chris said...

Too fucking funny!! seriously, i subscribe to about 30 cooking blogs and none come close to being as awesome as yours. keep up the good work!

granolagirl said...

Looks delicious, sounds like a disaster! Hahaha! =-)

Marty said...

Funniest damned thing I've read in days. Thanks for sharing--and for another great recipe!!

Lindy Loo said...

Thank you all for your nice (and funny) words!

And yes: despite the fucking motherfuckingness of it, it ended up tasting quite good. I recommend the pizza recipe (if not the fucking motherfuckingness).

Courtney said...

You are hilarious! I LOVE the title of your post...and your post practically made me pee my pants!

Courtney

Cyn said...

Oh man, crap like that happens to me ALL THE TIME. It looks tasty though.

Bijoux said...

LOL LOL !!
Oh, THAT fucking motherfuck recipe!! Yeah, I already know that one!! Have you tried the cousin to the fucking motherfuck recipe? Well, it goes from the oven to the compost bin. It doesn't even get past my lips!!

Thanks for a great post Lindy. I almost, ALMOST thought this was an authentic recipe from a cook book or something. You know what, it might as well be :)

Lisa said...

Dude, I am at WORK. This just about killed me!! I tried a smooth "stifle giggles with a cough" move, which sounded kind of like choking, which made things less funny for a few seconds and left me sounding like I'm whimpering. Good thing my coworkers are f-ing weirdos, or I might be embarrassed.

This is one of your finest posts, for sure.

Hannah said...

Why does reading your blog make my bad day seem not so crappy?
:)

vaala said...

Oh man, that's brilliant! Had me laughing (and desperately trying to contain it in case the boss saw) at my desk.

samantha said...

Hahaha fanfuckingtastic.
And when I first saw the picture, before I scrolled down, I said, "Is it a calzone...?" So it couldn't have been that bad! Plus, it's like cake or pie. So what if it crumbles and is a shapless blob on the plate. It still tastes like cake or pie. No problem.

Erin said...

I want to make Fucking Motherfucks everday.

mdmadph said...

Even if it is just a farked up pizza, it still looks better than a "vegetarian" calzone I got from Hungry Howie's a month or so ago -- it was just a greasy, sloppy mess that smelled like used hamburger oil.

Sal said...

I've made many of these over the years, always wondered if it had a proper name, thanks for solving that one.

Sometimes, I like to drop them on the floor before I get them to the oven too, then (making sure no one has seen me do that) blow off the fluff before burning my hand whilst putting the FMF in the oven.

QBL said...

LMAO too!!! I totally AM laughing at your misfortune.

alaina said...

i've done something very similar to a fucking motherfuck, but my pizza ended up face down on the wood floor and i called my creation fucking shithead.

Tofu-Mom said...

Oh this is the best post I've read on any blog, anywhere, in AGES... It's 10:30, the rest of my household is in bed and I've probably awakened them and the dog is making strange whining noises at my hysterical outbursts.
Oh dear, I need to catch my breath...

Jeannie said...

Absolutely the best laugh we've had for
months. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Cori said...

Hahahaha! If only you have a Yeah,that Vegan Shit cookbook with recipes that have titles like this. You're too funny. The FMF pizza looks yummy, by the way.

chaosmomm said...

LOL! i loved this entry! and while i have never made a fucking motherfuck, i HAVE made several Motherfuckers, Sonofobitches, one or two FuckMe's, and more Goddammits! than i care to mention. i will definately have to try the fucking motherfuck. :D

megan said...

Haha in our house we call it a 'motherfucking piece of shit.' Probably a different dialect. ;)

Tia said...

In my home we call those son-of-a-mother-fucking-whores but I really like the motherfucking fuck. Perhaps I will rename my next one in honor of this blog which made me laugh so hard I scared my cats. :)

beershevaboheme6 said...

I'm sorry you had so much bad luck making this, but I was in TEARS I was laughing so hard...you've certainly got a way with words, and I'd say the Fucking MotherFuck served its purpose in amusing so many...

Melissa Bastian said...

Hmm. I believe this may be a distant cousin to the Goddam Fucking Piece of such and so forth. Always a treat.

P.S. - thanks for adding me to your side bar!

Sars said...

Sorry about your kitchen disaster. I'm a nOob vegan myself, and I've had more than my share of those (and, yes, I do believe that using excessive profanity is really the only way to deal with it).

On another note, I stumbled upon your blog the other day (with perfectly reasonable, nonsexual search criteria, I might add), and I love it. I'm definitely going to be browsing your archives tonight to find a dish for a party I'm attending.

Oh, and I aspire to create a vegan cooking/running blog some day, as soon as my computer doesn't suck and I get a digital camera. So, I'll definitely be linking to your page.

I hope your next recipe comes out better!

Lindy Loo said...

Thanks for the nice words, Sars. Along that same vein, you might be interested in the following two blogs as well (since they feature both vegan-stuffs and a focus on running):

Runs with Dog

Speed Vegan

Chile said...

Well, fuck, even I could manage that recipe! Unfortunately, the ancient gas oven in the crappy rental house I live in is so tiny that my pizza stone doesn't fit. Can I cook it directly on the bottom of the oven instead? That's where I end up cooking quite a few things.

Chessa said...

That is some of the funniest shit I've ever read/seen. It so funny because I would have responded in exactly the same way, oven slamming, cursing and all. And especially naming of the dish. Long live the Fucking Motherfuck!