Wednesday, September 03, 2008

More "The Most Bizarre Google Searches by Which People Stumble Across This Blog"

(For past editions, click HERE)

First off: I must briefly note that it is one of the more seemingly benign google searches below that made me laugh quite a bit this past week. The google search being "yes, that vegan shit". Why, you ask? Because each time I see it, I totally picture one of my grammar-nerd friends trying to track down my blog despite the fact that they are COMPLETELY embittered by my slanginess and uneloquent use of the english language, and thus, making a statement by correcting the Yeah and making GODDAMN SURE they put that motherf-ing comma in there. Tee hee.

Secondly: Learn to spell, motherfuckers. Perhaps you wouldn't keep ending up at some creepy lady's oily-feces-laden vegan page if you figured out how to spell, say, VEGAN. (Ok, probably not the best example, 'cause you STILL might end up here. But nonetheless: VEGEN and VAGAN: incorrect!)

Thirdly: Seriously, I do NOT get what exactly is going through people's heads when they run google searches.

Case in point: someone found this blog googling "i'm not taking anyone's shit." Now. Please tell me. What does a person hope to find when they type that into the google search engine? Or were they not expecting to find anything but just SO angry at the end of their day (having gotten their lunch money stolen, then tripping down the stairs while their 9th grade crush laugh at them, farting in class, and then having the class bully give them a super-wedgie) that when they sat down to google what every high school boy googles (aka. porn), they instead found themselves, to their own horror, subconsciously typing the above google search? Please. I need to know.

I mean, I understand "male vegetarian no sex drive zinc." Weird search perhaps, but logical.

But then again: "I took a shit in your kitchen." Well, thank you for telling me? I've been wondering what that stink was for the past 8 days? I thought maybe one of my neighbors had gotten stuck in the chimney and died? Again: what makes a person, sitting leisurely in front of their computer, decide to google this. And WHAT IS IT THEY EXPECT TO FIND IN THE RESULTS??!? I think this is even moreso what I want--nay NEED--to know.

Again: "Hungarian ass." Gotcha.

"Bitches eating shit." We're on the same page, buddy. Not my cup of tea, perhaps, but I HEAR WHAT YOU'RE SAYING.

"Cauliflower penis." Well, I've gotta admit. Back in the days of yore, when our Phys Ed teacher with the obligatory short feathered hair used to do the whole "condom over the banana" deal, I used to be both horrified and yet HYPNOTIZED by the horror story of the "cauliflower penis." So yeah, you had me at cauli.

"The buggets clits." Ummmmm, starting to lose me a little. But I'm ok with assuming that you were just overly excited about seeing pictures of really big clits and typoed a U instead of an I and switched up the T and S.

But "that a shit on her"? What does that even mean? I'll even give you the benefit of the doubt, dude, and assume you mean "that I shit on her"? But even then, I'm at a loss. Not even a complete sentence, much less a complete thought.

AND YET, even MORE crazily, somehow each one of these individuals yielded search results with their google searches, and somehow MY vegan food blog was among the results, and somehow each of these individual's curiosity was piqued by SOMETHING amidst the vegan rambling here, and somehow, for some reason, god bless 'em, every one, they decided to actually CLICK on the link and check this page out.

And for that, I say, Rock on, Nonsensical Google Searchers. All criticisms aside, I hope, in my heart of hearts, that after you took the time to stop by this blog, you DID stop taking other people's shit, found the buggets clits, and figured out what are quinoas.

  • hungarian ass

  • shit into her

  • quinia shit

  • peanut libido

  • male vegetarian no sex drive zinc


  • the buggets clits


  • I took a shit in your kitchen

  • it is my prerogative vegan

  • vegan assholes

  • yes, that vegan shit

  • skinny bitches with long dicks

  • porno shit and vomit

  • what bowels to expect as a vegen

  • what does a dirty hippy bring to a barbeque

  • what are quinoas

  • soy milk cause baby to vomit

  • cauliflower penis

  • shit on my head porn

  • that a shit on her

  • i'm not taking anyone's shit

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