Vegan Rainman

I am kind of the non-awesome version of Rainman: I can't tally up the thousands of matches I just dropped on the floor within three seconds of them landing. But my brain is constantly working its way around some weird food-math in my head each time I eat.

For example: when I eat a toasted bagel, one half gets just butter, and the other gets peanut butter and butter. The peanut butter one > in awesome tastiness than the butter one, so it gets eaten last. Not only does it get eaten last, the final bite of said peanut butter half must be the bite that seems to have the most deliciously decadent mix of melty margarine and melty peanut butter. So most of the consumption of the pb side of the bagel also entails some navigating and exploring and trying to identify which should be the glorious last bite. All of which turns the bagel into not just an enjoyable meal but a mission.

Pretty much any other dish undergoes the same mathematics. If I have two or more items on my dish, I spend most of the meal assessing which is the more amazing of the two. Whichever it is gets carefully chosen to be the last bite to enter my mouth before the plate is cleared. The only exception to the rule: if I'm going out in public after dinner and the more delicious of the two foods is the stinkier of the two foods (i.e. something wickedly garlicky) then the less stinky > than the stinky and is eaten last.

Other weird food math: You don't buy a salad as your entree when out for dinner. Granted, I'm not a salad enthusiast, so that's part of this algorithm. But more importantly: leaves of green in a bowl with toppings thrown on it should NEVER cost $9. Maybe that's not so much math as principle though. And generalized Lindy Loo cheapness.

Similarly: smoothies are not a food and DEFINITELY not a meal because you cannot chew them. That's not really math, but it's still a fairly steadfast food principle of mine.

Pizza is also part of my weird food-math:

Normally I make a pizza crust from [the book whose name I don't feel like looking up and always forget], mainly because I can refrigerate or freeze half of it and use it on a later date. The current half? Well, I pretty much dough it out into the biggest crust I can possibly fit on my pizza stone. Not because it tastes awesomer that way but because in my head, why would I make a tiny thick pizza when I could make a huge-ass thin pizza? I mean, it's all the same amount of crust, I know this, but knocking back 4 enormous slices for a meal instead of two thick chode slices seems like I'm doing a lot more eating is what I'm saying.

So THIS was a rarity:



Deep dish pizza. I mostly just wanted to try making one, thinking that somehow I would realize my pizza math was skewed and in reality, the deep dish math actually IS awesomer. But the truth is: it's not. At least not at home. 'Cause it just doesn't taste kick-ass the way a deep-dish in Chicago would, you know? And eating only two pieces as half of the pizza just seems anticlimactic.

Thus, Rainman sayeth: the truth still remains--the larger the pizza, the better for my belly.

Also, half of you are probably itching to call me OCD right now, but I assure you: it's not true. *Washing my hands over and over to cleanse them from the thought*

Pizza Dough of Lurve

You know how we all sort of hope in our hearts that that certain someone will come along that will make us think, You complete me. Well, this pizza crust is that certain someone.

1. No kneading. And if you've been reading this blog for more than 5 minutes, you already know how much I LOVE kneading. Cliff's note version: Kneading, you do NOT complete me.



2. It takes a total of about 15 minutes to have this crust ready to pop in the oven. And as someone who typically comes home from work hungry enough to start devouring couches and small babies, this is important (especially to couches and small babies).



3. It's really really good. Granted, the first time I made it, it BLEW MY EFFING MIND with how fluffy and delish it was, and it hasn't quite managed to live up to that state of orgiastic amazingness since. But even so: I've made it four times already. And every time I've enjoyed it. (I think the key to getting it fluffy may be -1- getting the water temperature correct, and -2- adding extra flour (the first time I added quite a bit more flour just because the dough was so tacky, and that's when it came out the best). I think I just parenthesized excessively, so let's toss in one extra end-parenthesis to make sure we close them all out.)



4. After we made sweet love it -1- didn't fall asleep immediately, and -2- didn't go turn on the tv. It actually SNUGGLED. (Sike!)

As for variations on toppings: my standard go-to toppings are either pizza sauce or pesto sauce plus chopped kalamata olives and lightly-cooked sliced mushrooms and green peppers:





I also experimented with a mexican pizza (based on THIS Everybody Likes Sandwiches recipe as well), and for that, I first cooked the pizza for 10 minutes and then topped it with 1 small can of refried beans and some of the cheezy sauce from Veganomicon (which I actually think I could've just as easily left out since it didn't do much for it), popped it back in the oven for 15 more minutes, removed, and added salsa, sliced olives, and chipotle sour cream. This was AWESOME as well, and surprisingly filling (normally I eat half a pizza, but I could only eat three slices):





So yeah: TRY IT OUT I DARE YOU. Just don't get your current significant others pissed off at me when you DO fall deeply in love.



The Easiest Pizza Dough in the World

INGREDIENTS:

• 1 packet of yeast


• 1 c. warm water


• 2-1/2 c. flour


• 1 t. agave nectar (or 2 t. sugar; I recommend the agave though cuz MAN does it make the crust taste lovely)


• 1 t. salt


• 2 T. olive oil


• 2 T. fresh rosemary, chopped (optional)


• cornmeal

DIRECTIONS
Preheat oven to 400. In a large bowl, add in the yeast and warm water and stir until the yeast dissolves. Add the flour, salt, agave (or sugar), rosemary (if using), and olive oil and stir with a wooden spoon vigorously until combined. Let dough rest for 10 minutes.

Either sprinkle cornmeal onto a walled baking sheet and press dough into it until thin
-OR-
Sprinkle flour on your counter and roll out the pizza dough. Sprinkle cornmeal on a pizza stone and toss the dough on top. Spread olive oil over top (optional), and add all your toppings.

Bake for 20-25 minutes until pizza crust is golden and toppings are heated through.

(from Everybody Likes Sandwiches)

World's Easiest Vegan Cream-Cheezy Veggie Pizza

My mom used to often make the non-vegan version of this pizza for picnics and gatherings when we were little, so it definitely has a nostalgia-value to it. Which is why I was so pleased to realize that it's so easily vegan-izable.

This was the definite crowd-pleaser of the party. It's very rich and filling, so a small slice or two is plenty as a munchie.



INGREDIENTS:

• Two tubes Pillsbury Crescent Rolls


• One 8 oz. tub of vegan cream cheez


• 1/2 c. vegan mayo


• One pack of some sort of ranch/veggie-dip seasoning (I used Veggie Weggie Dip Mix)


• 1/4 c. to 1/2 c. of the following veggies (feel free to add or subtract--musts, in my opinion though, are cauliflower and black olives):
  Black olives, sliced
  Cauliflower, diced small
  Shrooms, sliced
  Broccoli, diced small
  Green peppers, diced or sliced

DIRECTIONS

Preheat oven to 375-F.

Line a large baking sheet with parchment paper.

Unroll your crescent rolls down the pan, trying not to separate at the perforations. Once you've filled the pan length-wise, tear off the extra dough and fill it up width-wise. With two tubes, you should have slightly in excess of a large pan. Once the pan is filled, press down the dough where the perforations are to seal everything together.

Bake for 10 to 15 minutes (or until crust is a golden color on both top and bottom). Remove from oven and let cool.

In the meantime, combine your cream cheez, mayo, and seasoning. Whisk together until combined.

Once crust is cool, spread your cream cheez mix across the top of it until it's all used.

Top with your raw veggies.

Slice and serve.

(Makes about 16 or so small--but rich--slices)





PS. CONTEST-WINNERS WILL BE ANNOUNCED THIS WEEK! I HAVEN'T FORGOTTEN!!! =)

Apple, Onion & "Cheddar" Pizza

                                    from Everybody Likes Sandwiches

Apparently, in an attempt to make up for the previous notorious mishap, the pizza gods sent me this recipe. And it was good.

*angels hollering in chorus*

I had another batch of crust left over in my freezer, so after seeing this recipe the other day (which I thought was delightfully strange and yet sounded weirdly awesome), I decided to buy some apples and get to work.

#1--This pizza was no walk on the moon either. Not because of the recipe or anything. But despite the fact that I FLOURED my paddle this time (after I came to the conclusion--with the help of a few others as well--that this may have caused the mishap last week), the dough still stuck to it. I ended up gently closing it into a calzone just to get it on the pizza stone and then reopening it and sort of half-assedly redistributing the toppings. So it really doesn't look quite so good as it did initially, since much of the cheez managed to burrow under the apples with all my folding and whatnot.

#2--I'm not really sure why I started numbering as I don't think I really had a second point, so this will be my second point.

#3--Ok, maybe I *DID* have a second point after all, but it can be my third instead: what a freaking explosive flavor combination this pizza is. Seriously. Every once in a while you stumble across a recipe that seems like sheer flavor-genius, where the creator could not have picked ANYTHING better to include or exclude from the recipe, and this is surely one of those. I *DID* leave out the capers ('cause for some reason I didn't think I had any, but I realized last night that I had a half-jar after all), but even without: the delicately balsamicized onions are sweet and wonderful compliments to the apples, the pesto adds a nice little bit of needed saltiness to the mix, the perfumey sweetness of the sun-dried tomatoes melds seemlessly with the Macintosh--like some strange little sister--and the vegan cheddar balances everything out with just the slightest bit of salty, zingy punch.

This recipe comes at a particularly good time since autumn is finally rolling in, which means a bounty of gorgeous, crisp apples to work with.

So seriously: if you're looking to try out a new pizza recipe any time soon, let it be this one.



INGREDIENTS:

• 2 T. olive oil


• 1 large red onion, sliced thin


• 5 cloves garlic, sliced


• 1 T. balsamic vinegar


• 1 ball of pizza dough (store bought or homemade--I used the recipe from VwaV)


• 1/4 c. sliced sun-dried tomatoes (rehydrated, if not the oily kind)


• 3 T. pesto (or enough to smooth a thin layer over your pizza dough)


• 1 MacIntosh apples (or any tart apple), sliced thinly*


• 1 c. (give or take) vegan cheddar cheez, grated


*I think I could've easily gotten away with using just one apple, so gauge it based on how large your crust is--mine was probably about a 14", and one would've worked just fine.

DIRECTIONS

Preheat oven to 450. In a large pan, heat olive oil over medium heat, adding in onions and garlic. Stir until onions turn soft, about 10 minutes. Add in balsamic vinegar and turn down heat to medium-low, stirring occassionally. The onions should be soft, glossy and caramelized, if they get too dry, add in a little water. Remove from heat.

Roll out your pizza dough and place on sheet. Spread dough with a thin layer of pesto and cover with caramelized onions and sprinkle with capers (optional), and sun-dried tomatoes. Spread a layer of apples over top and then cover with vegan cheez.

Bake in oven for about 15-20 minutes or until crust is golden and cheese is bubbly.

(Original recipe from Everybody Likes Sandwiches)

Fucking Motherfuck

                                    from VegCooking

Few of you have probably actually HEARD of the rare italian delight, the Fucking Motherfuck. It is probably best described as the little sister to the calzone: a wealth of veggies and spices wrapped in a delicately herbed crust.

A Fucking Motherfuck, huh? you're now saying to yourself. I've surely never seen THAT on the menu at any Italian restaurant. How does one go about preparing a Fucking Motherfuck?

Well, basically prep time is no more involved than making a pizza or a calzone. What you do is, while your pizza stone heats up in the oven at about 500F or so, you roll out pizza dough into the shape of a 14" pizza crust. You then place the crust on top of your wooden pizza paddle and top it with all your seasonings and toppings as you would if you were making an actual pizza.

Here is where the prep deviates from the standard pizza-baking: instead of gingerly sliding your pizza crust off the pizza paddle and onto the warm and inviting pizza stone as you would a standard pizza, you should instead BEGIN to do just that, but the crust should decide to stick to your pizza paddle. You should then take a spatula and attempt to loosen the crust on all sides from the pizza paddle. Follow this up by attempting to slide it off onto your pizza stone again--if you've made your Fucking Motherfuck correctly, you will realize that it is still sticking to your pizza paddle (like the Fucking Motherfuck it is). You should then cuss at it under your breath (presumably this is how it got its name) and attempt to loosen it from the pizza paddle a second time with your spatula.

Try once more to slide it off onto the pizza stone [PLEASE NOTE: to correctly bake a Fucking Motherfuck, your crust should not be jammed at by your spatula more or less than twice, otherwise your Fucking Motherfuck will not cook as it should], and when this fails a third time, begin to thrust your spatula sporadically underneath the crust, with a hint of frustrated desperation, and jam it hastily onto the pizza stone. Given that most of your crust will still be stuck to the paddle, your pizza should then completely invert itself and end up spilling onto your pizza stone, topping side face-down. When this happens, be sure to let out a frustrated wail and shout the name of your Italian delicacy once more, for all the neighbors to hear.

Once your pizza crust and toppings have been completely inverted onto your pizza stone, you are well on your way to baking a successful Fucking Motherfuck. You should then frustratedly smash it all together, with a sense of desperate nihilism. Presumably, you will want to get SOME of the crust underneath your toppings, but whatever. As long as it's all in a big heap of vegetable-doughy sloppiness, your Fucking Motherfuck is on the fast-track to success!

Slam the oven door shut loudly (if you'd like, you can slam it one or two more times, just for good measure) and then let your Fucking Motherfuck bake for about 15 minutes or so. You will not be able to tell for certain it is done, as it will look like a mound of half-burnt, crusty, doughy vegetables, but as long as the crust has begun to brown and the vegetables appear to be sizzling, you should be ok. (If you'd like, you can tear off a bit of the crust right now, just to doublecheck how done it is.) When cooked through, remove from the oven and let cool.

Treat your Fucking Motherfuck as you would a calzone--you can just eat it as is or serve it with a side of tomato sauce.

Your Fucking Motherfuck will serve 2-3.

Below is a recipe for a Dill & Vegetable Fucking Motherfuck, but you can fill your Fucking Motherfuck with whatever toppings your little heart desires.


DILL & VEGETABLE FUCKING MOTHERFUCK

INGREDIENTS:

• 2 T. vegan margarine


• 1/2 c. onions, thinly sliced


• 1 vegan pizza dough


• 1 garlic bulb


• 1/2 c. minced dill


• 3 firm Roma tomatoes, thinly sliced


• 1 small eggplant, thinly sliced (I also salted it and let it drain for 1/2 an hour and then rinsed and patted it dry)


• 3 T. extra-virgin olive oil

DIRECTIONS

Preheat the oven to 425F if you are making the pizza version, 500F if you are making a Fucking Motherfuck.

In a medium sauté pan over medium heat, melt the margarine. Sauté the onions until caramelized. Set aside.

Roll out the pizza dough to 1/4-inch thick. Spread with the garlic and sprinkle with 1/2 of the dill. Arrange the onions, tomatoes, and eggplant on top. Brush with the oil and sprinkle with the remaining dill.

Transfer into your oven or onto your pizza stone (if you are making a Fucking Motherfuck, follow the directions detailed above).

Bake for 10 to 12 minutes for a pizza (15-20 for a Fucking Motherfuck), until the dough is crispy and the vegetables are soft.

(Recipe from VegCooking)

Portobella Pizza with F-You-VT-Mozzarella

Phew. What a weekend of f-ing cookery, lemme tell you. E had his going-away party on Saturday night, and I was enlisted to whip up a double-batch of Peanut Butter Cannonballs and about 800 lbs. of Black Bean and Corn Salsa (the 800-lbs-worth in anticipation of our friend Joe coming, since he managed to polish off a whole bowl of this at a prior Halloween party). I also whipped up some veggie sour-cream dip which tasted surprisingly like the real thing but which I won't waste my time adding a recipe for since it basically consisted of a) buying vegan sour cream, b) shaking a packet of veggie-dip seasonings into it, and c) stirring. (I do have to say though that those of you on the internet who keep insisting that Hidden Valley's ranch dip seasoning packet is vegan are OUT OF YOUR FLIPPING MIND--it says "buttermilk" like the third ingredient in on the back, crackheads. YEAH, YOU HEARD ME!)

Anyways, since E's party was on Saturday, we didn't hang out Friday night because he was busy packing and prepping. Which meant freedom-cooking. And freedom-cooking usually means pizza. So pizza it was. And it was good.

I know I bitch all of the time about my disgruntlement with Vegetarian Times magazine, and given this recipe, right now would be a good time for me to explain my disgrunglement a bit more, so it doesn't just seem like baseless whining. One of the things that drives me batty about the VT is their bizarre lack of vegan-awareness in the way of recipes. Now don't get me wrong, they *do* publish a lot of vegan recipes in each issue, and I do appreciate that. But I am puzzled by their inability to offer vegan alternatives to certain of their vegetarian recipes. Now, this pizza is not one of them. So let me explain what I mean really quick.

If someone from the VT were reading this, I'm sure their argument for not offering vegan-alternatives to their vegetarian-recipes would be the integrity of the recipe. And I understand and wholly support that--certain recipes, like this pizza recipe I'm about to post, are not going to retain the integrity of the original recipe if you make vegan substitutions. There is nothing vegan that comes even close to replicating fresh mozzarella. So I can understand 100% why they don't have a little notation that vegan mozzarella can be substituted in. It would (and does) completely alter the integrity of the recipe. No problems there.

But seriously, VT: I can't tell you how many times I've run across non-vegan recipes in your magazine that, were it not for *ONE* minor ingredient (i.e. yogurt, or honey), would be completely vegan. Now herein lies my irritation with the VT. You can*NOT* tell me that substituting in agave nectar for honey or vegan yogurt for regular yogurt in a recipe is going to completely wreck the integrity of the recipe. It's not gonna do it. If you have a cookie recipe that's completely vegan except for 2 T. of yogurt, how hard is it to put a little notation that vegan yogurt could be substituted in, thus reinforcing the fact that it *ISN'T* an impossibility to bake vegan-style? Would this substitution effect the integrity of the recipe? Somehow I highly doubt it. I can understand in the case of this pizza I am posting today--there's no way that my version tastes like the original recipe. No way. But subbing in agave nectar in place of honey--do you *really* think that's gonna completely tank the taste of the recipe? I think not. And posting this vegan-alternative would reinforce the notion that it isn't an impossibility to very easily convert many recipes to being vegan. And that would be a good thing. Then again, in a magazine which will offer up an article condemning the meat industry and pages later publish numerous buttermilk-themed recipes without any sense of irony, I suspect the notion of endorsing veganism as an easy alternative isn't at the top of their list.

/end rant

All that being said, I *DID* alter the integrity of this recipe, and despite the fact that I know damn well it probably only rings faintly of the taste of the original, it is damn good. The portobellas are lush and juicy, the balsamic vinegar gives the pizza-sauce a bit of sophistication. And the arugula is a surprisingly tasty addition, offering up a bit of zingy veggie-goodness. When I baked my pizza, I tried half with parmesan and half without (since I'm not a *huge* fan of fake-parm). Both sides ended up tasting quite good, so I was hard-pressed as to which to recommend. I can say this though: the non-parm side offers up a much more subtle and delicate flavoring. The parm-side is a power-punch to the taste-buds, a lot more sharp-tasting and in-your-face with its flavors. I'd recommend trying each to see which you prefer.

So make it.

And eat it.

And give VT a bit of the finger in doing so.

In the name of all things vegan.

INGREDIENTS:

• 1 12-inch (1-lb.) prepared pizza crust, such as Rustic Crust


• 1 T. plus 2 t. olive oil


• 3 medium-size portobello mushrooms, chopped (about 2 c.)


• 3 cloves garlic, minced (about 1 T.)


• 1 T. balsamic vinegar


• 1 cup prepared marinara sauce (or vegan pizza sauce)


• 1/3 c. diced red onion


• 8 oz. vegan mozzarella, shredded


• 1/3 c. grated vegan Parmesan cheese (optional)


• 2 c. arugula

DIRECTIONS

Preheat oven to 450F. Coat 12-inch round pizza pan or baking sheet with cooking spray, and set crust in pan. (Alternately, you can put your pizza stone in the oven and sprinkle it with cornmeal, allowing it to heat up while you prep--that's what I did.)

Heat 1 T. oil in large nonstick skillet over medium-high heat. Add mushrooms, and cook 5 minutes, or until browned and tender, stirring occasionally. Add garlic, and season with salt and pepper. Cook 30 seconds, stirring often. Stir in vinegar, and remove from heat.

Brush crust with remaining 2 t. olive oil. Spread sauce on crust. Scatter mushroom mixture on top. Sprinkle with red onion. Arrange mozzarella over vegetables, and sprinkle with Parmesan.

Bake 10-15 minutes, or until cheese has begun to brown a bit. Toss into broiler for a few minutes to get it to melt the rest of the way, keeping a close eye on it.

Scatter arugula on top. Cut into slices, and serve.

(Original recipe from the Vegetarian Times)