The Incredible Spreadable "Meat"loaf

So I made this meatloaf recipe like a month ago, and I keep avoiding posting it since the pictures I took of it are SO fricking hideous.

So in order to distract you from their hideousness, I post a couple f-ing hot pictures. *DISTRACT DISTRACT*






And here's one for all you penis-toters out there, because we wouldn't wanna forget about you!


Psych.

Anyways, this recipe is WICKED flavorful. The only problem is that it is also wicked crumbly. However, I will give it the benefit of the doubt and say that perhaps it is a) because my measurements were slightly off or something (You?!? With incorrect measurements, Lindy Loo?!?! I THINK NOT!) or b) because I used a silicon bread-pan.

Nonetheless, MAN ALIVE was this a yummy meatloaf. I ended up just sorta spreading it on shit (bread, oatmeal, Theresa's inner thigh--OH SNAP!!) and eating it that way, kind of like a meatloaf pate or something. So I *do* recommend, despite the hideous pictures...

*DISTRACTING YOU ONCE MORE*


(If I hear even *one* word about how The Strokes
are not hot at all--which I hear *all* the
fricking time--I shall promptly banish you
all from my blog! They are pretty, and if I
were into vegan cannibalism, I would eat them.)

INGREDIENTS:

• 1/4 c. walnuts


• 2 stalks celery, finely chopped (about 1 c.)


• 1/2 medium onion, finely chopped (about 3/4 c.)


• 2 green onions, thinly sliced (about 1/3 c.)


• 2 cloves garlic, minced (about 2 t.)


• 1 10-oz. pkg. firm tofu, drained


• 1 12-oz. pkg. soy crumbles


• 1 1/4 c. quick-cooking oats


• 3 T. low-sodium soy sauce (or regular if you like heart attacks)


• 2 T. ketchup, plus additional 2 T. for topping


• 1 T. Dijon mustard


• 2 t. dried parsley or 2 T. chopped fresh parsley


• 1 t. poultry seasoning

DIRECTIONS

Preheat oven to 350F. Grind walnuts to powder in food processor. Set aside. Coat medium skillet with cooking spray and place over medium heat. Add celery, onion, green onions and garlic, and sauté 4 to 5 minutes, or until vegetables are tender. Remove from heat, and cool.

Mash tofu in bowl. Stir in walnuts, vegetables, soy crumbles, oats, soy sauce, ketchup, mustard, parsley and poultry seasoning. Season with salt and pepper.

Coat 9x5-inch loaf pan with cooking spray and spoon mixture into pan, lightly packing in. Spread thin layer of ketchup over top of loaf, and bake 55 to 60 minutes, or until toothpick inserted in center comes out clean. Cool, then wrap in plastic wrap and refrigerate until ready to slice for sandwiches.

(Recipe from the Vegetarian Times)

The Infamous Seitan Recipe o' Greatness

Mother of god--when I actually have a rare burst of spare time on a weekend with absolutely nothing I'm obligated to be doing, man, do I cook. (And watch way too many movies--but movies are good, what can I say.) This weekend it was ribz, sweet potato fries, orange chocolate-chip cookies, peanut butter brownies, baked seitan, pizza, and Steph's sockarooni pasta. Utter madness.

Where to start?

Well, I guess I'll head off the week with the Seitan Recipe o' Greatness which has spread through the vegan internet community like chickenpox. Or like leprosy. Or like the blustery snow this weekend over the streets of Cleveland.

I've been itching to try baking this seitan since I first saw it, primarily because it was WAY too easy-sounding to make. I've made the VwaV recipe before, but it requires too much effort for someone as lazy as me. Mixing stuff and throwing it into the oven: that's my cup of tea.

And this recipe is the cutest (if a recipe can actually be cute). 90 minutes after tossing this log o' goodness in the oven, it came out all red and pretty and looking like an animal-friendly Pepperidge Farm salty log o' saltiness. It was so cute that I just wanted to keep squeezing its cheeks and mumbling "Oh isn't the little loggy the cutest EVER! So cute, little loggy loggy. A-boo-boo-boo. Is da loggy cute? Yes it is! Loggy loggy."

And it was tasty to boot. Like I've mentioned before, I'm always skeptical when people act like a recipe is the second coming. But man, this was good stuff. I enjoyed nibbling on it all by itself. And it also tasted delightful tossed on a sammich.

My hopes for the future: to try out some variations on the cute little loggy log. But until then, I definitely recommend the recipe, as it is a good (and ridiculously easy) one.

Oh yeah, and months after having baked my vegan ribz, thinking that there was a different between vital wheat gluten and vital wheat gluten flour, I finally realized that the two things are THE SAME DAMN THING. Yeah. I'm a dolt sometimes.

INGREDIENTS:

• 1.5 c. vital wheat gluten


• 1/4 c. nutritional yeast


• 1 . salt


• 2 t. paprika


• 1/4 t. cinnamon


• 1/4 t. cumin


• 1-2 t. pepper


• 1/8 t. cayenne pepper


• 1/8 t. allspice (I skipped this)


• 3/4 c. cold water


• 4 T. tomato paste


• 1 T. ketchup


• 2 T. olive oil (I used canola because I was out of olive oil)


• 2 T. vegetarian Worcestershire sauce (or soy sauce--I used soy because I had no Worcestershire)


• 1-3 cloves garlic, crushed well (I just sprinkled in garlic powder to taste)

DIRECTIONS

Preheat oven to 325°.

In a large mixing bowl mix dry ingredients. Mix the rest of the ingredients (liquid ingredients) in a smaller mixing bowl. Whisk well until mixed.

Add the liquid ingredients to the dry ingredients. Mix well, then knead for several minutes.

Form into a log (6-8" long), wrap tightly in foil, twisting ends. Bake for 90 minutes. When done baking, unwrap and leave out to cool all the way. Then wrap it foil or plastic and refrigerate. Slice to use as desired.

[Oh, and belated side-note: For those of you who are vegan or have been privvy to another vegan's gas, you already know that vegans have 100x more filthy disembowelingly nasty farts than the rest of the human race. {{It's the veggies!}} Anyways, this seitan will a) triple the frequency of your gassiness for the day and b) somehow manage to quadruple the raw-egg stench of it to the point that you might actually be able to blind someone with your farts and/or take over the White House with them. I swear, yesterday after eating some of this for lunch, my cats every once in a while would look at me with a "Are you fucking kidding me? Did we do something wrong and you're trying to punish us??" look. So be forewarned.]

Spinach and Roasted Red Pepper Layered Tempeh Loaf

(No, this picture was not taken in the 1970's--my house is just VERY dark and un-camera-friendly at night.)
This recipe makes not one but *two* loafs. Unfortunately, I was unable to enjoy this perk upon realizing that one of my packages of tempeh was moldy. Meh. Bad start.

This loaf ended up being perhaps the busiest set of instructions I've had in preparing a meal. I like short and sweet and simple, I've realized. Once everything was situated, it was fun making the actual loaf itself: smooshing and wedging and jamming it into a loaf pan.

The results tasted strangely similar to a good meatloaf, but with roasted red pepper and spinach housed within. Not bad, and definitely makes for good leftovers. But next time I'd use more spinach.

Recipe: HERE

Verdict: B