Anti-Valentine's Day Cookies

Minus the little-kiddy Valentine's Day cards which remind me of being a wee one, I am not a fan of Valentine's Day. Don't get me wrong, I'm a fan of love. And I'm a fan of good-lovin'. But I'm not so much a fan of Hallmark and giant obligatory boxes of chocolates to demonstrate one's love.

So needless to say, I AM a big fan of Be My Anti-Valentine, a site I turn to every V-day for a few good chuckles. (I was going to post all this yesterday, but for those of you who don't live in Cleveland and didn't realize there's such a thing as snow, I was pretty much snowed-in for the day with nowhere to internet. You can appreciate the snow vicariously if you'd like by checking out some of my pics HERE.) This post won't do you much good this year since today is just V-day aftermath, but then again, maybe some of you can use and appreciate the link next year, now that you know about it.

Anyways, because of the aforementioned snow, I actually had off Tuesday night, so I decided (because I am cracked out sometimes and like to do the wrong things in inclement weather) to pick up food-coloring and make some anti-valentines day cookies. I originally wanted to make ones that said FUCK HALLMARK, but then I realized I couldn't really bring them into work. So instead, I decided to make these anatomical heart cookies. Cuz hearts are meant to be gross and slimy and pump blood, not be glittery and skanked out with lace. So there!

These aren't the best-tasting cookies, mostly because I wasn't even sure how long to cook them as they were kind of odd-shaped and whatnot. But at least they're cute--the way that really nappy dog down the street with only two teeth is kinda cute.

BEFORE...



AFTER...




INGREDIENTS

• 3/4 c. vegan margarine, softened


• 1 c. sugar or granulated sweetener


• 2 egg replacer eggs, prepared


• 1/4 t. vanilla


• 3-5 drops peppermint extract (more or less to taste)


• 2 1/2 c. flour


• 1 t. baking powder


• 1 t. salt


• 14 drops or so of red food-coloring


• 14 drops or so of blue food-coloring

DIRECTIONS
Whisk the first five ingredients together until well-blended. In a second bowl, mix together the remaining ingredients, minus the food-coloring. Add the wet ingredients to the dry and mix and knead until all blended together. Split into two halves. Add the red food coloring to one and the blue to another. Knead each until the food-coloring is well-blended. Refrigerate for 2 hours or so.

Preheat oven to 350. Shape cookies into anatomical hearts (this is where you have to use your own damn imagination, people, cuz I ain't really got no tips). Place on cookie sheet covered in parchment paper. Bake 15 minutes or so. Remove. Confusedly try to figure out if they are done or not. Realize after a few minutes that they aren't. Panic and place them back in the oven for an undetermined amount of minutes (about 3-5). Remove and realize you're not quite sure whether they're ever gonna cook the whole way and that you can't really taste-test them enough to make sure since you only baked 8. Sigh.

Makes about 12 cookies (unless you're lazy like me and just give up after 8)