Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Vegan Rainman

I am kind of the non-awesome version of Rainman: I can't tally up the thousands of matches I just dropped on the floor within three seconds of them landing. But my brain is constantly working its way around some weird food-math in my head each time I eat.

For example: when I eat a toasted bagel, one half gets just butter, and the other gets peanut butter and butter. The peanut butter one > in awesome tastiness than the butter one, so it gets eaten last. Not only does it get eaten last, the final bite of said peanut butter half must be the bite that seems to have the most deliciously decadent mix of melty margarine and melty peanut butter. So most of the consumption of the pb side of the bagel also entails some navigating and exploring and trying to identify which should be the glorious last bite. All of which turns the bagel into not just an enjoyable meal but a mission.

Pretty much any other dish undergoes the same mathematics. If I have two or more items on my dish, I spend most of the meal assessing which is the more amazing of the two. Whichever it is gets carefully chosen to be the last bite to enter my mouth before the plate is cleared. The only exception to the rule: if I'm going out in public after dinner and the more delicious of the two foods is the stinkier of the two foods (i.e. something wickedly garlicky) then the less stinky > than the stinky and is eaten last.

Other weird food math: You don't buy a salad as your entree when out for dinner. Granted, I'm not a salad enthusiast, so that's part of this algorithm. But more importantly: leaves of green in a bowl with toppings thrown on it should NEVER cost $9. Maybe that's not so much math as principle though. And generalized Lindy Loo cheapness.

Similarly: smoothies are not a food and DEFINITELY not a meal because you cannot chew them. That's not really math, but it's still a fairly steadfast food principle of mine.

Pizza is also part of my weird food-math:

Normally I make a pizza crust from [the book whose name I don't feel like looking up and always forget], mainly because I can refrigerate or freeze half of it and use it on a later date. The current half? Well, I pretty much dough it out into the biggest crust I can possibly fit on my pizza stone. Not because it tastes awesomer that way but because in my head, why would I make a tiny thick pizza when I could make a huge-ass thin pizza? I mean, it's all the same amount of crust, I know this, but knocking back 4 enormous slices for a meal instead of two thick chode slices seems like I'm doing a lot more eating is what I'm saying.

So THIS was a rarity:

Deep dish pizza. I mostly just wanted to try making one, thinking that somehow I would realize my pizza math was skewed and in reality, the deep dish math actually IS awesomer. But the truth is: it's not. At least not at home. 'Cause it just doesn't taste kick-ass the way a deep-dish in Chicago would, you know? And eating only two pieces as half of the pizza just seems anticlimactic.

Thus, Rainman sayeth: the truth still remains--the larger the pizza, the better for my belly.

Also, half of you are probably itching to call me OCD right now, but I assure you: it's not true. *Washing my hands over and over to cleanse them from the thought*


Treehugger_31 said...

Back in my pre-vegan days I used to eat my candy bars in a really odd way (so I've been told). I'd eat all the chocolate off the bar and save the inner portion (caramel, nougat, what have you) for last! So I totally get where you're coming from. :)

foodfeud said...

Haha, I do have OCD and I love hearing about other people's little "quirks" like this.
I feel the same way with most of your rules - except the smoothies, because mine are bomb ass huge - but my problem is, if I have two components on a plate, I have to eat all of one before I can eat the other - so if the one I eat first is more delicious than the second, I'm stuck and have to finish it anyway, so I have to assess the situation way in advance.
Both of us could solve our problems by making only super delicious foods.

Jazzy Siebert said...

That's so crazy!

I TOO half my bagel! 1/2 with butter and the other half with peanut butter!

So good, right?! It's like im getting 2 bagels for the 'calorie' cost of 1!


ps: thanks for reminding me i need to buy a pizza stone!

Anonymous said...

I completely understand where you're coming from. I am so glad that I am not the only one with these food habits. I am not a vegan, but I have been a vegetarian for almost 9 years. I have recently found your blog and love it!

Michelle.Mary said...

This is so funny, I do very similar things! Like peeling off the grape skin with my teeth and eating that first before then using my teeth to slice up the 'flesh' :B
I used to count the number of times I chewed on one side of my mouth, and then chew the same amount on the other :\ I'm so glad I got out of that habit though! Annnd I also eat the least awesome tasting part of the meal first :B