Fresh Tomatoes and Brilliant Blogs

First off, I must introduce you to my first tomato of the season. Tiny it may be, but MAN, there is **nothing** like a tomato fresh off the vine. I spent a few minutes contemplating how to use the first one, but then I decided to just straight up eat it, sliced, with a little bit of salt, and unghghghghg. So good.

Next to it, you see the avocado in question. Clearly proud of its size. But again: nowhere NEAR as sexy as the fresh, ripe tomato, straight from the vine.

In other news:

Poopie Bitch (hee hee) nominated me for a Brilliante Weblog Award, as did Madcap Cupcake and Pink-Haired Girl, and I thank you all for being such big sweethearts.



In return, I'm supposed to nominate seven others for their Brilliant Blogs. I've noticed a lot of my favs have already been nominated, so I'm gonna try to pick folks who *I don't think* have had the award bestowed upon them yet. So here goes:

• Where's the Revolution: Still cute. Still sassy. Still wicked smart. And still won't marry me. Because she supposedly has a "boyfriend" and stuff. Fah.



• Have Cake, Will Travel: Surely someone must've nominated her, and yet I'm not seeing the nifty little award. So... BLAM! There you go. If food were naked ladies, HCWT's blog would be featuring some of the FINEST goddamn women in town.



• Tofu for Two: They deserve it for the banner alone because it's cute to the point of almost being nauseating (the GOOD kind of nauseating, like when you eat a whole 1/2 gallon of Tofutti Cookie Crunch in 30 minutes while drooling over House, MD). And then to top THAT off, the pics are all SORTS of delicious, the layout rocks, and the recipes look ridiculously tasty. So yeah.



• Vegan Epicurean Stealth Testers: They haven't posted in months, but I still think they deserve a shout-out, because the idea behind the page is brilliant: Multiple food-testers trying out the same recipe and then rating it based on difficulty, ease of finding ingredients, taste, texture, and omni-friendliness. Hopefully if they happen to see themselves mentioned here, it'll guilt them into posting again. GUILT!



• Vegan.Chicks.Rock: Because you know what? Vegan chicks DO rock. As does SaraJane's drool-worthy pictures.

And just to note, PinkHaired Girl, I would've totally nominated you had you not already been a recipient, mostly just because your most recent post made me laught out loud. But also because you have Pink Hair. And are awesome.

Somebody Please Fill Me In

Why do those freaky jumbo avocados taste like fruit?

(You know which ones I'm talking about? The ones that are like the Incredible Hulk of avocados and the size of a small child's head with brilliant green exteriors?)



I mean, yesterday I cut into one, nubbed off a chunk, put it in my mouth expecting svelte sexy velvetiness, and... it tasted like fruit. Enough so that I actually held the avocado up and gave it the once over, as though perhaps I had accidentally grabbed a mango instead of an avocado AND SOMEHOW NOT NOTICED THAT FACT. Seriously ridiculous.

What the hell though: Not fully ripe? Or is that the nature of the jumbo avocado?

They're just so tempting 'cause they're so *squishing my thighs together tightly* BIG. *breathing a bit heavily*

You know what I'm saying?

Then again, historically, the big ones are usually not the crowd-pleasers, I must admit. At least in the world of Lindy Loo.

TMI? I think not.

Pasta and Asparagus in Shallot Cream Sauce

                                    from Happyveganface

I love having someone to regularly cook for again. It makes my heart go squee.

I must admit, I think I have just a TAD bit of the domestic housewife in me. But the bad-ass, campy 1950s-type domestic housewife.

Or maybe the kind that greets her dinner-date decked out in garters, heels, and lingerie, with a spatula tucked against one hip and a dishrag tucked into her garter, and who spends the rest of her prep time bending over provocatively as she places items in the oven or whips up a frothy, sexy roux.

Either/or.

I may be a bit domesticated, but that don't mean I don't have any FUN in me.



Anyways, I cooked this for me and N-A last week. He's a fan of asparagus, as am I. So I decided to whip this up. (Though I must admit, part of my fandom is derived from the surprise you get when taking a leak after you've downed a bunch of it. I wish MORE foods messed with the smell of your pee.)

And seriously, Happyveganface: this recipe was DELISH for being so fricking simple.

I think I may be in love with the shallot, so that may be PART of why I liked it. But really: for a sauce with so few ingredients, this really was quite good. And despite it being a cream-type sauce, it's not too terribly heavy, so you can definitely get away with making it in the summer.

And since it's not super-heavy, you won't have to spend time sucking in that gut so that it doesn't droop over your garters as you make your date/significant other whip you up some dessert. (Either of the pie-variety, or the wink wink nudge nudge variety, depending. I may be domesticated, but I'm not stupid! Make them WORK for their dinner, goddammit!)

And now: unrelatedly:

I must share with you this magnet that my friend P got for me, because it cracks my shit up, and you should immediately go buy stuff from its creator on Etsy. (Buy at The Mincing Mockingbird.)


(Except the real version actually
HAS the swears in it! Hee hee. Swears!)

Totally rocking out my fridgerator.


* * * *




INGREDIENTS:

• 1-2 small shallot(s), minced


• 3 large cloves garlic, minced


• 2 T. margarine


• 1 c. plain rice/soy milk


• 1 T. corn starch


• 1 T. nutritional yeast


• 1 large bunch of asparagus, cut into 2" pieces(& tough ends removed)


• 4 c. cooked pasta


• a pinch of sea salt


• 3 T. pine nuts, toasted


• 1 T. water


• 2 t. olive oil

DIRECTIONS

Dissolve rice/soy milk + corn starch in the small mixing bowl and set aside.

In the large pan heat up oil on medium high heat. Once it's hot, add in the pieces of asparagus and saute for 3 minutes. Add 1 T. water to the pan & cover. Let this "steam" for about 3 more minutes. Uncover, cook for another minute, remove from heat & set aside (or cook for a little longer for more tender asparagus).

While your asparagus is cooking, heat margarine on medium heat. Once melted, add minced shallot & garlic and cook for about 2-3 minutes (until garlic & shallots start to get really fragrant). Reduce heat just a tad. Whisk in nutritional yeast & rice milk/corn starch mix. Cook for 10 minutes, whisking about every minute or so. Once it's thickened up remove from heat & pour cream sauce over your pasta, top with sauteed asparagus & toasted pine nuts, and enjoy!

Makes 2 large portions or 4 small.

(recipe from happyveganface)

Hurray! Edible Hugga Bunch!

You remember Hugga Bunch dolls?



When I was little, I had the pink one on the left. I got it for Christmas one year. Even as a child, I hated the color pink. So I was a bit upset with Santa for not having more discerning tastes and giving *ME* the redheaded one instead of my sister. Also disappointing was the fact that my Hugga Bunch for some reason had a malformed neck. It was kind of gimped and inexplicably skinny and wiry, and she constantly looked like she was craning her neck to look at something. It was kind of like she had slipped one of the doll-discs between her cervical vertebra while she was jammed in the box in Santa's sleigh. I hated her for it. For her pinkness and for her ugly giraffe neck. But secretly, I felt bad for hating her, and so I loved her twice as much so she wouldn't feel bad. It's kind of like how when my one sister has only one item left on her plate and can't eat anymore, she cuts it in half so that it's not lonely. (True story. She's 23 now and STILL does this. Which is why I adore her.)

Anyways, long story long: the neon-tint and pinkness of the Veganomicon Brooklyn deli-style macaroni salad reminds me of my old pink Hugga Bunch.




Which makes me want to squish it and whisper in its ear, "It's ok, Hugga Bunch. I still love you even though you are ugly."

It *IS* a good pasta salad though--sweet and creamy, and the radishes and peas are a nice addition.

Alas, I cannot find the recipe on-line though.

So this whimsical tale of my youth will have to suffice.

Barefoot and in the Kitchen, Stroking My Fine Fine Avocados (Kidding About the Last Part--OR AM I???)

So seriously: avocado = lady boner. I know we've gone over this before, but it bears repeating. If ever you are trying to get into my pants without wanting to deal with that whole clumsy dance of flirtation and whatnot, avocado is the key. I love it. It makes me tingly in my flowery nether-regions. It's the only food that has even the remotest aphrodisiacal effects on me (particularly avocado sushi--unghgghhghgh)...

I am slow sometimes, so it hadn't previously dawned on me that you could use the avocado AS A SALAD-DRESSING and it would still be all sexy and svelte and velvety and like having someone run their tongue up the inside of your thighs. But lo and behold, apparently that's the case.

How did I find that out? Well, Kristen, my Cleveland Veganz cohort, lent me a copy of Vol. 4 of Barefoot and in the Kitchen, and there's a recipe in it for a Three-Bean Salad with Avocado Vinaigrette. And ungh. Ungh ungh pant and ungh.




It's actually quite the good and simple salad. (Though I must admit, I'm realiziing I'm not too huge a fan of the green bean/vinegar combination for some reason. And I hate raw onions, so I don't know why I keep putting them in to recipes only to spend a gratuitously long time picking them all back out at lunch. But nonetheless: the velvety avocado definitely makes up for it.)

Alas, I will not be posting the recipe here, but I definitely recommend checking her zine out. So far I think she has 4 volumes, and it's really quite the enjoyable read. Not only are there interesting recipes, but she's really fucking irreverent and funny. (If you like THIS blog, you'll like her zine.)

You can buy the zine HERE, or you can check out her myspace page HERE.



And just for the record, I know I've mentioned this before as well, but since no one ever takes me seriously apparently:

I *AM* always accepting avocado donations. Any way, shape, or form.

Smoky Vegan BBQ Chicken Sandwich Topped w/ North Carolina Coleslaw

                        from Everybody Loves Sandwiches

I noticed this recipe at Everybody Likes Sandwiches the other week, and it sounded so good to me that I was determined to veganize it. And veganize it I did.

My mom came over on Thursday, and I decided to make this for the two of us. And I must say: it was motifsetaling GOOD.

I think I accidentally added too much white-pepper, because at some point while cooking, I started thinking I was supposed to double everything. Which really didn't make any sense. But it was only after dumping in way too much white pepper that it dawned on me that I wasn't supposed to be doubling it. Thankfully I was able to remove a good portion of the excess white pepper floating on top. Nonetheless: this is spicy as FUCK. You have been warned. It is FANTASTIC and tasty in its spiciness, but it's definitely not for the weak of heart.

I also modified the original recipe to be stovetop (and summer-) friendly, because it was motherhumping HOT when I cooked this. So instead of baking, you'll be cooking it on the stove for a while. And I actually made double the amount of "sauce" listed below, but I had way too much leftover sauce and coleslaw, so I've halved it accordingly.

Again: this recipe is quite delish, has a nice southern kick to it, and will make for a good summer meal. But Everybody Loves Sandwiches rocks, so I expected as much.

I also served a light pasta salad on the side, which ended up surprising me with its tastiness. I didn't use specific measurements, but I've listed out the general ingredients below.




Smoky Vegan BBQ Chicken Sandwich Topped w/ North Carolina Coleslaw



INGREDIENTS:

• 1/2 bag of shredded coleslaw mix
  
  
• 1 c. cider vinegar


• 1/2 T. kosher salt


• 1/2 T. ground white pepper


• 1/2 T. red pepper flakes


• 1 T. white sugar


• 2 T. brown sugar (or I just used an extra 2 T. regular sugar + a generous dollop of molasses)


• 1/2 t. freshly ground black pepper


• 1/4 c. ketchup



• One 1 lb. bag of fake-chicken (I think I used morningstars' meal starters)


• salt & pepper


• Cumin


• Chili powder (or chipotle powder)


• Dried thyme


• 1/2 T olive oil



• 6-8 slices of bread or 3-4 buns

Throw your coleslaw into a large bowl. Mix the dressing ingredients in a medium sized bowl and pour about 1/3 of it over the slaw. It may not look like it's enough to coat, but it'll start to increase once it sits in the fridge with the slaw. If it DOESN'T, add a bit more. Refrigerate the slaw and set the remainder of the dressing aside.

Heat your olive oil in a large pan on the stovetop, medium-heat. Add your fake chicken and spices (I haven't included precise measurements of spices, but I can say that I used a generous shake or two of each seasoning). Cook fake chicken until it's browned--about 5 minutes. Pour in remaining dressing and cover the pan with a lid. Lower heat to low. Your sauce will reduce and thicken as it cooks. The longer you cook it, the more flavorful and juicy the fake chicken will be. I cooked mine for about 30 minutes or so. I also shredded the chicken to the best of my ability as it cooked, using a couple of forks and then a spatula.

To serve, scoop a generous amount of fake chicken onto your bun/bread. Scoop up a generous helping of coleslaw with a fork (letting it drain a little so it doesn't sog up your sandwich) and throw over the top of your fake chicken. Close. Eat.

Serves 3 to 4.

(Recipe modified and veganized from Everybody Loves Sandwiches)




Avocado Pasta Salad



Ingredients: Corkscrew pasta, 1 diced avocado, a handful of halved cherry tomatoes, fresh basil, and dressing (juice of 3 limes, 1/2 T. or so of sugar, olive oil, and a couple shakes of soy sauce)

Mexican Frisbees!

                        from Happyveganface


Yet one more food that doesn't take well to being photographed.

Woot motherfucking woot.

So yeah: that's a kidney bean, spinach, & potato "quesadilla." Ugly from the top, slightly more attractive from the side.

I made these a couple weeks ago and have been lazy and keep forgetting to post them.

As I was making them, I thought to myself: goddamn this is a long process for quesadillas. Even moreso when (because I still refuse to read recipes the whole way through before actually cooking them--yes, I am a fucktard) I realized that this makes ONLY TWO QUESADILLAS. At which point I was like, Um, seriously? (It was a total valley-girl moment: me in the kitchen, pan in hand, other hand on hip, head cocked, bitchy-pinched-face, and "Um, SERRRRRiously??") So yeah: point being that you should double the recipe so that the pay-off doesn't seem so minimal. Not that the pay-off IS minimal (because these were actually quite good after all was said and done--I was feeling sassy about the fact that they were taking so long and was thinking there's no way in hell a quesadilla could redeem itself from my valley-girl bitchiness, but they actually do--so rock on, my little happy vegan faces!). But because seriously: 1 pot, 2 skillets, and ovenware? That's a lot of cooking for two mexican frisbees, my friends.

Nonetheless: double them and try them out. Because they really were quite good.

I feel like this has been the most boring post ever.

So I'm gonna throw in a picture of a mexican wrestler.



Hopefully that makes up for it.

Also, my Spanish kind of sucks, so I'm enjoying the thought that LUCHA LIBRE means MILK BOOK. Which is like the BEST NAME EVER for a mexican wrestler. The more I think about it, the more envious I am that the name has been taken, because when I begin my illustrious career as a mexican wrestler, WTF AM I NOW GOING TO NAME MYSELF??? (Suggestions are welcome.)



INGREDIENTS:

Bean Filling:

• 2 c. cooked kidney beans


• 1 green pepper, finely diced


• 1 medium onion, finely diced


• 1/2 small jalapeno, minced


• 1 t. cumin


• 1 t. chili powder


• 1/4 t. cayenne pepper (optional)


• 2 t. olive oil

Potatoes:

• 2 t. olive oil


• 3 small russet potatoes, peeled & diced (or 1 large one)


• 1/2 t. garlic powder


• 1/2 t. onion powder

The rest:

• 1 c. salsa


• 4 small whole wheat tortillas (I actually used four large regular tortillas--TAKE THAT!)


• 1 c. fresh spinach


• 1/2 c. salsa verde (or 1/2 c. of the salsa from above if you are too cheap to buy more of a different salsa)

DIRECTIONS

put the diced potatoes in the medium-sized pot with enough water to cover the potatoes – boil water and cook until they’re almost done (don’t over cook ‘em). drain and set aside. (we usually cook ours for about 8-10 minutes)

heat 2 tsp olive oil in the small skillet on medium high and add in the boiled potatoes. cook until they start to brown and then add in the garlic & onion powder and mix it all in to distribute the seasonings over the potatoes. cook for another 2 minutes. remove from heat and set aside.

in the large skillet heat up the 2 tsp olive oil on medium high. add in onions, jalapenos, and green pepper. saute until they begin to brown (about 5-8 minutes). add in kidney beans & spices. reduce heat to medium and cook for about 2-4 minutes more. remove from heat - then smash up the kidney bean mix a little bit with your spatula or a fork.

spray each pie dish (or your cookie sheet) with a little oil cooking spray. place a tortilla in the bottom of each dish. put a little bean mix on top of the bottom tortillas, then add on some potatoes, half the spinach (just dividing the spinach between both "quesadillas" here), and some more bean mix. top your "quesadilla" fillings with another tortilla and then top each of those final tortillas with half of the salsa verde. [I actually topped mine with the 1 c. of salsa, 'cause I couldn't initially figure out where the hell that came into the recipe, though now I'm thinking it's an end-garnish. but anyways--though it still tasted good, I'd recommend NOT doing what I did, simply because it makes for a soggy quesadilla.]

cook for 10-25 minutes on 350 degrees (no need to preheat). remove from oven, allow to cool for a few minutes. top with fresh salsa, or anything else you super love on quesadillas, (jarred salsa should taste great, too) and enjoy!

(from Happy Vegan Face)

Pasta Carbonara

                                    from Urban Vegan


I've mentioned that I've been enjoying having people cook for me lately. But even moreso, I've been enjoying having people to cook for.

Last week I whipped up the Sweet Chili Lime Tofu for Mo, P, and N-A. It was a muggy night. The air was thick with rain. Nina Simone was sauntering out of my speakers. And it was all about good food and company and winning $5. Unfortunately, I wasn't overly-enthusiastic with the results this time around--I don't know if doubling the recipe f-ed things up or what, but it just didn't have that magical week-long-orgasm-type ring to it that it had the first-time round. It was good, but it wasn't positively DRIPPING with juicy pockets of explosive flavor. Then again, perhaps it's just difficult not to become SUPER critical of one's cooking when cooking for others. Hard to say. I *DID*, however, make up for that fact by whipping up the VegNews Peanut Butter Chocolate Cheesecake which really just flat-out rocks.

Then Sunday night, concert plans fell through, so I ended up inviting N-A over for dinner. I'd been wanting to try this recipe for a while, and since N-A's an omni veg-in-training (or at least will be once I'm through with him... *Planting my spike-heel firmly on his chest and cracking my whip in the air*), I figured it'd be fun to whip up something creamy and meaty that wasn't at all creamy or meaty. I had bookmarked this recipe a few weeks ago, and then in my more recent blog-perusing, I noticed someone else gushing bountifully about how good it was. So I was like, Fuck yes. This is the one.

The recipe's pretty much as easy as your mom is around any man under the age of 30 (SMACK). But it definitely is not for the weak-hearted by way of fat-content. I mean, dear lord almighty, SIX tablespoons of vegan margarine???????? That's a fricking lot. But man muthafuckin alive is it GOOD. N-A actually looked up at me with an expression of surprise after the first bite, that's how tasty it is. And it's decadent, and smoky, and sultry, and just DAMN well worth the calories and fat. At least once in a while.

And yes: Urban Vegan noted it as a good recipe for guests, and I second that, as this will have any doubting omni- on your side pretty much immediately. And if that's NOT the case, I can just lend you my spike-heels and dominatrix whip. That will change their mind. Believe you me. Maybe I'll even throw in my nipple clamps for good measure. We'll see.

INGREDIENTS:

• 1 lb. spaghetti, fettucine or linguine


• 1 T. extra virgin olive oil


• 1/4 c. dry white wine


• 5 to 6 oz. vegan bacon, chopped fine


• 1 T. kudzu root, cornstarch, or arrowroot


• 1 1/3 c. soy milk


• 6 T. vegan margarine


• 3 heaping T. nutritional yeast


• 1 tsp salt (optional--if your "bacon" is uber-salty, you may want to leave this out)


• Additional nutritional yeast or vegan parmesan for sprinkling


• Freshly ground pepper

DIRECTIONS

Cook pasta according to package directions.

Dissolve kudzu/cornstarch/arrowroot and salt in soymilk and set aside.

In large saucepan, heat oil over medium. Saute tempeh for about 5 minutes, or until heated through (You should be able to smell the smoky aroma). Turn up the heat to medium-high and pour in the wine to deglaze the pan. Cook for about 5 minutes, and transfer tempeh to another dish.

Melt butter in the same saucepan over medium-low heat and sprinkle in nutritional yeast. Whisk together to make a roux, then slowly whisk in the milk. Turn heat to low, and cook until thick, whisking occasionally--about 15 minutes. Add the tempeh, turn heat down very low, and simmer covered for about 10-15 minutes, stirring occasionally. (If too thick, you can always add a tiny bit of wine to thin it down.) Add pepper to taste.

Toss over drained pasta and sprinkle generously with more nutritional yeast or vegan parmesan.


4 large or 6 small servings

(from the Urban Vegan)

Seitan and Shallots Marsala, and More

People have been cooking for me a lot lately, and it makes me feel all warm and squishy inside. I enjoy it in so many ways--I appreciate the care it takes to cook for someone, I like to watch people I heart move around their kitchens domestically, and, well, it's fucking good food that I didn't have to make myself. So yeah: I'm digging it.

A couple weeks ago, P whipped me up a seitan and shallots marsala dish from The Vegetarian Meat and Potatoes Cookbook that was seriously MMM *making the smacky lip noise accompanied by the french-like hand-poof by mouth*. Seriously. And even awesomer is the fact that the recipe is actually on-line, so I am happy to share it with you all, as it is RIDICULOUSLY decadent and tasty. (And for the record: P gives this cookbook two generous thumb's up and says it has a lot of vegan recipes in it.)


SEITAN-SHALLOTS MARSALA

                                    from The Vegetarian Meat
                                    and Potatoes Cookbook

INGREDIENTS:

• 3 T. olive oil


• 4 shallots, quartered


• 1 c. vegetable stock


• 1/2 c. dry Marsala wine (I think P just used a red wine instead)


• 1 T. tamari or other soy sauce


• 1 t. minced fresh thyme leaves or 1/2 t. dried


• 1/2 t. tomato paste


• 1-1/2 T. cornstarch dissolved in 2 T. water


• 1 pound store-bought or homemade seitan, cut into 1/4-inch-thick slices


• Salt, to taste


• Freshly ground black pepper, to taste

DIRECTIONS

Heat 1 tablespoon of the oil in a small skillet over medium heat. Add the shallots and cook, stirring, until soft and slightly caramelized, about 10 minutes. Transfer to a plate and set aside.

Add the stock, Marsala, tamari, thyme and tomato paste to the skillet and heat almost to a boil. Whisk in the cornstarch mixture and boil, whisking for 1 minute, or until the sauce is thickened. Set aside.

Heat the remaining 2 tablespoons oil in a large skillet over medium-high heat. Add the seitan and season with salt and pepper. Cook, turning once, until browned on both sides, 3 to 5 minutes total. Add the shallots, and sauce and simmer for 6 to 7 minutes. Serve immediately.

Makes 4 servings.


(Recipe from The Vegetarian Meat and Potatoes Cookbook posted at The Food Paper.com)



Then Thursday night, N-A coerced me into coming over and letting him cook for me before he headed off to spin records. I don't know if it's just me, but I always get slightly nervous having a non-vegan want to cook for me, not in an assholey-type way, but because oftentimes they don't realize the extent of non-vegan infiltration into common foods that you'd THINK would be vegan. Like bread, for example. I mean, the average person doesn't know to keep an eye out for mono- and diglycerides, you know what I'm saying? So I get nervous that I'll get there and they'll have spent all this time whipping up something that I can't technically eat. So I was biting my nails a bit. But I apparently I should'n'tve worried because although I took some piss-poor pics of the dinner, it was nonetheless delish, and very much vegan. Also: the dishes were from scratch and his own recipes, which made them even MORE bad-ass. The menu: navy bean soup, thick with hearty chunks of veggies; a finger-food side of roasty asparagus and mushrooms; and plump, juicy, garam-masala-ed portabella mushroom sandwiches, all of which we chowed down while listening to records. Exquisite:




Other randomness: I ate some feta cheese on Saturday. By accident of course. I was more than a bit salty about it. Mo and I went to our local sandwich shop to nab sandwiches to eat back at her place. Right as we got there, the sky opened up with a RIDICULOUS amount of rain, and I realized I had left all my windows at home, in particular a skylight window that sits right above my coffee table which was laden with books. So Mo let me blow over there in her car, after getting completely soaked through all the way to my fricking underwear. When I arrived home, the gutter was pouring rain directly into my window and on my stereo-speaker. And the skylight had unleashed its wrath all over everything sitting on my table. Amidst a flurry of cuss-words, I got everything closed up and managed to mop up the water. When Ms. Mo and I returned to her house, we busted out the sandwiches and dug in, at which point, I recognized that the tart accompaniment to my hummus was, in fact, feta cheese that, for reasons unclear to me, had been added to my sandwich. I motherfucked and sonofabitched for a few minutes, and then I decided to just pick it out to the best of my ability. As I've surely complained before on this blog, I hate these situations, because there is no good resolve: Return the sandwich which will be tossed in the garbage anyways to get a non-cheesy one (wasteful!), or keep the sandwich and feel vegan-angst for the next 24-hours at having eaten cheese (non-vegan!). I picked the in-between, which was picking out the cheese as much as possible, feeling guilty nonetheless, but not wasting the sandwich. So yeah. Fucking motherfuck.

Oh, and if someone could tell the ants to STAY OFF MY COUNTER already, I'd be much obliged. They are making me ANGRY.

Thank you and good day.

Well, Pee in My Hat and Call Me Sally: I DID IT!!!!

Barry White Boston Baked Beans

Motherhump.

I had something to say about beans yesterday. Typed it all out. It was UNDOUBTEDLY brilliant, as all my posts are. But then, somehow, it got deleted.

So today, instead of brilliance, I bring you a little jingle... A sing-a-long, one might say... An itty bitty titty ditty... Which I'm sure most of you have never heard before.

Enjoy:

Beans beans the magical fruit.
The more you eat, the more you toot.
The more you toot, the better you feel.
So let's eat beans for every meal!

SING WITH ME!

So yeah: I also made these beans for the 4th of July holiday. I of course bought all the ingredients BEFORE noticing that it was a slow-cooker recipe and was all like, 9 hours in the motherf-ing slow-cooker? For BAKED BEANS?

But holy mother holy. After four hours, I tasted them and was like: Boring. After 6: Dull. Somewhere between 6 and 9, they got all sorts of Barry White sex-you-up smooth and sexy. They kind of just slid on up to me in my kitchen, pulled my head back, and started doing all sorts of sexy shit with their mouth on my throat. NNNNNNGTTTTTT yeah. I mean, I didn't even use fake ham 'cause I couldn't find it, so I think I ended up using something resembling bologna. And yet, THEY WERE NOT DETERRED IN THEIR SEXINESS.

I recommend.

Clearly.

ONE MORE TIME--BARRY-WHITE-STYLE!

Beans beans the magical fruit.
The more you eat, the more you toot.
The more you toot, the better you feel.
So let's eat beans for every meal!

INGREDIENTS:

• 1 lb. dry Great Northern beans


• Water sufficient to cover the beans


• 1 T. baking soda


• 1/2 t. salt


• 1 c. molasses


• 1 t. dry mustard


• 1 t. vegan Worcestershire sauce


• 1 c. firmly packed brown sugar


• 1 T. vegetable broth powder


• 1/4 lb. faux ham, roughly chopped (try Yves brand)


• 1 large white onion, diced

DIRECTIONS

Place the beans in a large kettle. Cover with the water and sprinkle with the baking soda. Bring to a boil. Cover and cook for 45 minutes, or until just tender. Drain, reserving the liquid.

Combine the salt, molasses, dry mustard, vegan Worcestershire sauce, brown sugar, and vegetable broth powder.

Place 1/3 of the beans in a slow cooker and add a small amount of the reserved liquid. Layer with 1/3 of the molasses mixture, 1/3 of the faux ham, and 1/3 of the onion.

Repeat in the same order until the remaining beans, molasses mixture, faux ham, and onion have been used, adding a small amount of the reserved liquid with each layer.

Cover with the remaining reserved liquid, adding water if needed.

Cook on low heat for 9 to 11 hours, or until the beans are tender.

(Recipe from VegCooking.com)

You! Read! Now!

100 Foods No Environmentalist Should Ever Eat

(Thanks, Kelly!)

BBQing with the P-A-R

I remembered pics today.

IN YOUR FACE!

And I am posting not one but TWO recipes. *Making you lick my asscheek as penance*

So yeah. I did lots of grilling out this weekend. My ex-bf's grill got left with me when he moved, and I've been making really good use of it, if I may say so myself. Which I will. Right now: "I've been making really good use of it."

I cooked out on Sunday with my family. And Friday night, we had a bit of an impromptu last-minute small-scale bbq as well, after initial plans of seeing a brilliant musician-acquaintance play-out fell through (he is fantastic, go check it out).

I called P.

P called A.

A punched a baby.

I called R.

R punched A.

And it was a PARTY (minus the TY). GET IT. P-A-R TY. BUDDUMMMM CHIIIII. Fucking shit--why are you not PAYING me for this???

Anyways, we grubbed it up with ribz. I got to watch P attempt to cut an onion without actually touching the onion with her hands which was truly the funniest thing ever. We boozed. And we dragged ass to the end of my street to catch fireworks.

When I suddenly realized mid-dinner that I had forgotten to take pics of food, P said, "You should take pictures of us EATING the food. I mean, you never really post pictures of people actually ENJOYING the food you make." And so it came to be that I took pics of P, A, and R stuffing face. And so it came to be that I realized part of the reason that I don't usually take pics of people eating food is that they somehow look kind of angry doing so. Nonetheless, I post. Pics have been altered to maintain anonymity.





As for the food: THE FOOD! The BBQ seitan ribz rocked out. They were everything everyone had said they would be. I actually had better luck with them on Sunday when I cooked them on foil though, I must admit. They came out crunchy but delectably tender in the middle. My bro (stouthearted meat-eater) said, Man, it's amazing that you can make this shit taste so good. He also coveted (COVETED) the homemade bbq sauce. He stole all the leftovers, threatening to eat it with a spoon later.

Friday P also whipped up the chickpea quinoa pilaf from Veganomicon, and I was surprised and pleased by how yummy it was. I actually liked it enough that I whipped up another batch last night for lunches for the week. I recommend.

So here you go. Finally some recipes.

You may now tell me how awesome I am.

Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd go!

BBQ SEITAN RIBZ


                                    from FatFree Vegan


INGREDIENTS:

• 1 c. vital wheat gluten


• 2 t. smoked Spanish paprika


• 2 T. nutritional yeast


• 2 t. onion powder


• 1 t. garlic powder


• 3/4 c. water


• 2 T. tahini or other nut butter


• 1 t. Liquid Smoke


• 1 T. soy sauce


• 1 c. (give or take) of your favorite barbecue sauce (I used the Backyard BBQ Sauce from Veganomicon)

DIRECTIONS

Preheat the oven to 350 and lightly spray an 8x8 baking dish with canola oil. Mix the first 5 ingredients together in a large bowl. Mix the water with the nut butter, Liquid Smoke, and soy sauce and add it to the dry ingredients. Stir to mix well and then knead lightly in the bowl for a couple of minutes.

Put the dough into the baking dish and flatten it so that it evenly fills the pan. Take a sharp knife and cut it into 8 strips; then turn the pan and cut those strips in half to form 16 pieces

Put it in the oven and bake for 25 minutes. While it's cooking prepare your grill.

Remove it from the oven and carefully re-cut each strip, going over each cut to make sure that the ribz will pull apart easily later. Generously brush the top with barbecue sauce. Take it to the grill and invert the whole baking dish onto the grill (or use a large spatula to lift the seitan out, placing it sauce-side down on the grill). Brush the top of the seitan with more sauce:

Watch it closely to make sure that it doesn't burn. When it's sufficiently brown on one side, turn over and cook the other side, adding more sauce, if necessary. When done, remove to a platter and cut or pull apart the individual ribs to serve.

(from FatFree Vegan)






CHICKPEA-QUINOA PILAF

                                    from Veganomicon

INGREDIENTS:

• 2 T. olive oil


• 1 small yellow onion, chopped


• 2 cloves garlic, minced


• 1/2 t. cumin


• 1 T. coriander seeds


• Several pinches of freshly ground pepper


• 1/2 t. salt


• 1 T. tomato paste


• 1 c. quinoa


• 15-oz can chickpeas, drained and rinsed


• 2 c. vegetable broth or reconstituted bouillon

In a small stock-pot over medium heat, saute the onions in olive oil for about 7 minutes. Add the garlic and saute for 2 more minutes.

Add the tomato paste, coriander, cumin, black pepper, and salt. Saute for another minute.

Add the quinoa and saute for 2 minutes

Add the chickpeas and broth, cover and bring to a boil. Once the mixture is boiling, lower the heat to very low, cover, and cook for about 18 minutes, or until the quinoa mixture has completely absorbed the liquid. Stir occasionally. Fluff with fork and serve.

(from Veganomicon, as posted at Decoupage and Demitasse)

Jesus Christ, Vampire Hunter, Forgives Me--Can YOU??

Oh what an egregious egregious fucktard I am, leaving all my 4th of July food pics at home today (though I must admit, it's only because MY MOTHERF-ING TARD-A-LICIOUS COMPUTER DOESN'T EVER SAVE ANYTHING IN THE CORRECTLY DATED FOLDER). *huffing and heaving*

Anyways, I have recipes. And I have pictures. Just not on me.

So instead, I bring you Jesus Christ: Vampire Hunter (and promises of recipes tomorrow).





Oh, and I guess I can also add a link to this article, to make today's post at least SOMEWHAT relevant to veganism:

57 Health Benefits of Going Vegan

(Thanks for the link, Fiona!)

Melt Bar & Grilled

So in lieu of recipes today, I have a new restaurant for all you Cleveland Vegans to check out if you haven't already:



Apparently there's a restaurant called Melt Bar & Grilled in Lakewood (which I'd heard of before but not really given much thought to since it specializes in grilled cheeses which, well, typically aren't real vegan friendly, given the fact that the focal point of grilled cheese is usually, um, CHEESE--you following me here?). But apparently IT'S VEGAN FRIENDLY!! I have yet to check it out, but I've heard nothing but good things: fantastic sandwiches, great atmosphere, and an excellent beer selection.

So get the hell over there and check it out. And then report back to me as to what you thought of it. And/or fricking be generous and buy ME some vegan sandwiches so I can draw my own conclusion.

Anyways, here's the info on what they have that's vegan, straight from the owner/chef of Melt:



Hello, Lindy Loo,

We actually have alot of great selections that are vegan. All our vegetable based sandwiches can be made with vegan cheese or without cheese. The mushroom melt, roasted veggie sandwich and peanut butter and banana can all be made vegan.

We have a 3 bean vegetarian chili and roasted garlic tomato soup on our menu everyday which are both vegan. We also make a daily soup which is sometimes vegan. Our fried tofu starter and all our salads can be vegan.

So as you can see, we have many vegan options. Let me know if you need any more info.

Thanks!!

Matt Fish


FOLLOW-UP (REGARDING THE MARGARINE THEY USE):


Hello, Lindy Loo,

The margarine that we use is exclusively vegan all the time. It is a total vegetable based product.

Glad you had a chance to come and check out the restaurant. Also very glad to hear that you enjoyed yourself and your food.

Let me know if I can help in any other way.

Thanks
Matt Fish

Melt Bar and Grilled
14718 Detroit Avenue
Lakewood, Ohio 44107
216-226-3699
Website & Menu

Smmmfjinx and Plosystix

Man, it feels like forever since I've blogged here. I *have* been eating. Promise. But I've been busy with so much other stuff that I haven't been finding time to indulge my kitchen the way it deserves to be indulged. And BOY does it deserve to be indulged. *ROWR* And lately, alcohol seems to want to be taking the place of my dinners, so if I were to be 100% honest with you all, my dinner menus would look something like this:

Sunday night: Fritos and a 1/2 pitcher of margaritas;

Friday night: chips & guacamole and a margarita and beer and beer and beer.

What I'm saying is: I'm on a cleanse. A full-fledged, alcohol cleanse. Screw that crazy lemonade-cayenne pepper deal. Who can turn down the All Alcohol All the Time Cleanse??*

Which reminds me: We *DID* have our first Cleveland Veganz drinking night this past Friday, and I *DID* get down and dirty in my kitchen for that, whipping up the following reruns which received a warm reception:

• Chocolate PB Rice Krispie Treats


• Cookie Dough Balls (just whip up this recipe but don't cook them--instead, dip each into chocolate)


• Whiskey Peanut Fudge

And I really was motherf-ing thrilled that the drinking night went as well as it did. I got to meet a lot of fantastic people. But I won't bore you. You can read more about it on the Cleveland Veganz blog. UNLESS YOU'RE JUST LAZY.

And I *DO* actually have a recipe for you. *Screams and wild applause* Oh shit! No I don't. Ha ha ha. Psych! I actually only have pictures for you. And I probably won't have any more recipes for the rest of the week. But please don't stop loving me. I promise I'll post a wealth of recipes next week. Just as long as you keep loving me. Please. I don't know what I'll do without your love.



Eggplant Curry from The Candle Cafe Cookbook:

Quite good, although I WILL say that, if you decide to try out the recipe, you should DEFINITELY do the whole salt & drain eggplant deal, b/c the original recipe doesn't call for it, but my curry (albeit good) was really damn bitter. PS. I also made alleged "naan," also pictured above. The right hand side is what happens when you put them into the broiler and then get hypnotized by some hot ass-crack-tazer action on Cops.



And again: I don't remember what the hell this was called, but it's from
Garden of Vegan and contained chickpeas, broccoli, peppers, green beans, msarhsplf, smmmfjinx, and losystix. Mmm hmmm. (Translation: I forgot that I made this recipe. I forgot that I had pics of this recipe. And I forgot what the hell was in this recipe. Translation of translation: This recipe really wasn't all that.)









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*Ah, but I kid. No worries, my faithful readers. I am not a rabid alcoholic. I mostly just kid. I kid because I love. And I love because I'm drunk. Yeah.