Barry White Boston Baked Beans

Motherhump.

I had something to say about beans yesterday. Typed it all out. It was UNDOUBTEDLY brilliant, as all my posts are. But then, somehow, it got deleted.

So today, instead of brilliance, I bring you a little jingle... A sing-a-long, one might say... An itty bitty titty ditty... Which I'm sure most of you have never heard before.

Enjoy:

Beans beans the magical fruit.
The more you eat, the more you toot.
The more you toot, the better you feel.
So let's eat beans for every meal!

SING WITH ME!

So yeah: I also made these beans for the 4th of July holiday. I of course bought all the ingredients BEFORE noticing that it was a slow-cooker recipe and was all like, 9 hours in the motherf-ing slow-cooker? For BAKED BEANS?

But holy mother holy. After four hours, I tasted them and was like: Boring. After 6: Dull. Somewhere between 6 and 9, they got all sorts of Barry White sex-you-up smooth and sexy. They kind of just slid on up to me in my kitchen, pulled my head back, and started doing all sorts of sexy shit with their mouth on my throat. NNNNNNGTTTTTT yeah. I mean, I didn't even use fake ham 'cause I couldn't find it, so I think I ended up using something resembling bologna. And yet, THEY WERE NOT DETERRED IN THEIR SEXINESS.

I recommend.

Clearly.

ONE MORE TIME--BARRY-WHITE-STYLE!

Beans beans the magical fruit.
The more you eat, the more you toot.
The more you toot, the better you feel.
So let's eat beans for every meal!

INGREDIENTS:

• 1 lb. dry Great Northern beans


• Water sufficient to cover the beans


• 1 T. baking soda


• 1/2 t. salt


• 1 c. molasses


• 1 t. dry mustard


• 1 t. vegan Worcestershire sauce


• 1 c. firmly packed brown sugar


• 1 T. vegetable broth powder


• 1/4 lb. faux ham, roughly chopped (try Yves brand)


• 1 large white onion, diced

DIRECTIONS

Place the beans in a large kettle. Cover with the water and sprinkle with the baking soda. Bring to a boil. Cover and cook for 45 minutes, or until just tender. Drain, reserving the liquid.

Combine the salt, molasses, dry mustard, vegan Worcestershire sauce, brown sugar, and vegetable broth powder.

Place 1/3 of the beans in a slow cooker and add a small amount of the reserved liquid. Layer with 1/3 of the molasses mixture, 1/3 of the faux ham, and 1/3 of the onion.

Repeat in the same order until the remaining beans, molasses mixture, faux ham, and onion have been used, adding a small amount of the reserved liquid with each layer.

Cover with the remaining reserved liquid, adding water if needed.

Cook on low heat for 9 to 11 hours, or until the beans are tender.

(Recipe from VegCooking.com)