Sunday Kind of Love

Sunday was a gloriously lazy day. We'd been out drinking the night before, so I woke up with a nice fat headache and my head feeling like it was gonna wobble off. So, as I like to do on lazy weekend mornings, I brewed some coffee and plunked myself down with a book in front of my porch while N-A snored away from the nether-reaches of my bedroom. Eventually--once he woke up and we sufficiently uncrankified our cranky-ass selves--I busted out the groceries I'd bought on Friday and proceeded to whip up an enormous breakfast: tofu scramble (tofu, red peppers, mushrooms, zucchini, avocado), sausage patties, and homefries:




(Now, we all know my intense, almost-orgasmic, love of the avocado, so as always, I'm a wee bit biased. But good god if some ripe avocado doesn't make a world of difference when it comes to really infusing some life into a tofu scramble.)

After gorging to our heart's content, we proceeded to laze away the afternoon with a) football, b) Othello, c) backgammon, and d) other shenanigans.

As dinner time rolled in, we both found ourselves in an unreasonably tired stupor. I was starving, but feeling 100% super-lazy, and I didn't really have anything I could whip up from scratch except pancakes or potacos. I pouted a bit about not feeling like doing anything. At all. Whatsoever. And jammed my forehead into the couch and N-A's leg while I pouted. After that, N-A brilliantly suggested that he run out and pick up some groceries so HE could whip up some dinner for us. Inadvertent score.

N-A is an improvisationalist when it comes to food, so I'm not even sure (by way of anything other than the large, chunky, obvious vegetables) what exactly was in this, but man was it good. Wheat fettucine found itself draped in an olive oil-drizzled harmony of red and green peppers, portobella mushrooms, black olives, and "bacon" bits. The end result was a salty, smoked, and yet sweet dish of pasta.

I had concluded the week before that "bacon" bits were a bit too overpoweringly flavored in a way that didn't so much please me, but thankfully this dish revised my opinion--if you cook them down a little, the flavor disperses into the surrounding ingredients and dissipates some of the salty pungency of them. And it doesn't hurt having some sweet peppers in the near vicinity, to counteract the excessive saltiness.




After we'd gorged to the point of moaning, we planted ourselves down on my couch and returned to Stuporville for the rest of the evening.

But not before N-A very nerdily asked, "So am I gonna make it onto your blog again?"

Clearly he can take this as a yes.

Google Me This and Google Me That

Apparently, ever since I posted about my recipe mishap last week, if you google "motherfuck," I'm the second result that pops up, second only to Wikipedia.

AND I beat out the Urban Dictionary.

It's essentially like I've won the silver medal of motherfucking!

Take that, Definer of All Things Urban! HOW YOU LIKE ME NOW?!?!


(I would be like the dude in the middle
but awesomer and with a less ugly jacket)

Rigatoni with Eggplant Puree

                                    from Smitten Kitchen

I *KNEW* some pics of foods I'd recently cooked had vanished, dammit all! I kept wondering these past couple weeks how the hell I'd been cooking a decent amount and yet didn't seem to have very many recipes to post. And voila--apparently I'm a tool and somehow deleted a bunch of food pics.

Anyways, I actually made this recipe a few weeks back. What I liked most about it was the mint/eggplant/red pepper flake mix. It was a strange and yet delighful combination--kind of like a battle of fire and water in the mouth.

Hm. Realizing I don't have much more to say than that.

Wow that was a boring post.

Vagina!

PS. I have no idea why MY pasta sauce looks all Barbie while Smitten Kitchen's is all deep and sultry in color. So don't ask.



INGREDIENTS:

• 1 small eggplant, cut into 1-inch cubes


• 1 pint cherry tomatoes


• 3 cloves garlic, whole


• 3 T. olive oil


• 1 t. salt


• 1 t. freshly ground black pepper


• 1 t. red pepper flakes


• 1/4 c. toasted pine nuts


• 1 lb. rigatoni pasta


• 1/4 c. torn fresh mint leaves


• 3 T. extra-virgin olive oil


• Parmesan, to taste (optional)*


• Glug of balsamic or red wine vinegar or freshly-squeezed lemon juice (optional)

DIRECTIONS

In a large bowl combine the eggplant, cherry tomatoes, garlic, olive oil, salt, pepper, and red pepper flakes. Spread the vegetables out in an even layer on the baking sheet. Roast in the oven until the vegetables are tender and the eggplant is golden, about 35 minutes.

Heat up a small pan on medium-low heat and dry-roast your pinenuts until lightly brown (between 3 and 5 minutes or so).

Meanwhile, bring a large pot of salted water to a boil over high heat. Add the pasta and cook until tender but still firm to the bite, stirring occasionally, about 8 to 10 minutes. Drain pasta into a large bowl and reserve (at least) 2 cups of the cooking liquid. (Now that I'm thinking about it, I'm not sure that I used anywhere near CLOSE to 2 cups of water when I whipped mine up.]

Transfer the roasted vegetables to a food processor. Add the torn mint leaves and extra-virgin olive oil. Puree the vegetables.

Transfer the pureed vegetables to the bowl with the pasta and add the vegan Parmesan. Stir to combine, adding the pasta cooking liquid 1/2 cup at a time until the pasta is saucy, as well as a glug of vinegar (optional). Sprinkle the pine nuts over the top and serve. (Or you can just serve your noodles with some of the sauce poured on top, a sprinkling of pinenuts, and some parm on the side.)

(Recipe from Smitten Kitchen)

Apple, Onion & "Cheddar" Pizza

                                    from Everybody Likes Sandwiches

Apparently, in an attempt to make up for the previous notorious mishap, the pizza gods sent me this recipe. And it was good.

*angels hollering in chorus*

I had another batch of crust left over in my freezer, so after seeing this recipe the other day (which I thought was delightfully strange and yet sounded weirdly awesome), I decided to buy some apples and get to work.

#1--This pizza was no walk on the moon either. Not because of the recipe or anything. But despite the fact that I FLOURED my paddle this time (after I came to the conclusion--with the help of a few others as well--that this may have caused the mishap last week), the dough still stuck to it. I ended up gently closing it into a calzone just to get it on the pizza stone and then reopening it and sort of half-assedly redistributing the toppings. So it really doesn't look quite so good as it did initially, since much of the cheez managed to burrow under the apples with all my folding and whatnot.

#2--I'm not really sure why I started numbering as I don't think I really had a second point, so this will be my second point.

#3--Ok, maybe I *DID* have a second point after all, but it can be my third instead: what a freaking explosive flavor combination this pizza is. Seriously. Every once in a while you stumble across a recipe that seems like sheer flavor-genius, where the creator could not have picked ANYTHING better to include or exclude from the recipe, and this is surely one of those. I *DID* leave out the capers ('cause for some reason I didn't think I had any, but I realized last night that I had a half-jar after all), but even without: the delicately balsamicized onions are sweet and wonderful compliments to the apples, the pesto adds a nice little bit of needed saltiness to the mix, the perfumey sweetness of the sun-dried tomatoes melds seemlessly with the Macintosh--like some strange little sister--and the vegan cheddar balances everything out with just the slightest bit of salty, zingy punch.

This recipe comes at a particularly good time since autumn is finally rolling in, which means a bounty of gorgeous, crisp apples to work with.

So seriously: if you're looking to try out a new pizza recipe any time soon, let it be this one.



INGREDIENTS:

• 2 T. olive oil


• 1 large red onion, sliced thin


• 5 cloves garlic, sliced


• 1 T. balsamic vinegar


• 1 ball of pizza dough (store bought or homemade--I used the recipe from VwaV)


• 1/4 c. sliced sun-dried tomatoes (rehydrated, if not the oily kind)


• 3 T. pesto (or enough to smooth a thin layer over your pizza dough)


• 1 MacIntosh apples (or any tart apple), sliced thinly*


• 1 c. (give or take) vegan cheddar cheez, grated


*I think I could've easily gotten away with using just one apple, so gauge it based on how large your crust is--mine was probably about a 14", and one would've worked just fine.

DIRECTIONS

Preheat oven to 450. In a large pan, heat olive oil over medium heat, adding in onions and garlic. Stir until onions turn soft, about 10 minutes. Add in balsamic vinegar and turn down heat to medium-low, stirring occassionally. The onions should be soft, glossy and caramelized, if they get too dry, add in a little water. Remove from heat.

Roll out your pizza dough and place on sheet. Spread dough with a thin layer of pesto and cover with caramelized onions and sprinkle with capers (optional), and sun-dried tomatoes. Spread a layer of apples over top and then cover with vegan cheez.

Bake in oven for about 15-20 minutes or until crust is golden and cheese is bubbly.

(Original recipe from Everybody Likes Sandwiches)

Fucking Motherfuck

                                    from VegCooking

Few of you have probably actually HEARD of the rare italian delight, the Fucking Motherfuck. It is probably best described as the little sister to the calzone: a wealth of veggies and spices wrapped in a delicately herbed crust.

A Fucking Motherfuck, huh? you're now saying to yourself. I've surely never seen THAT on the menu at any Italian restaurant. How does one go about preparing a Fucking Motherfuck?

Well, basically prep time is no more involved than making a pizza or a calzone. What you do is, while your pizza stone heats up in the oven at about 500F or so, you roll out pizza dough into the shape of a 14" pizza crust. You then place the crust on top of your wooden pizza paddle and top it with all your seasonings and toppings as you would if you were making an actual pizza.

Here is where the prep deviates from the standard pizza-baking: instead of gingerly sliding your pizza crust off the pizza paddle and onto the warm and inviting pizza stone as you would a standard pizza, you should instead BEGIN to do just that, but the crust should decide to stick to your pizza paddle. You should then take a spatula and attempt to loosen the crust on all sides from the pizza paddle. Follow this up by attempting to slide it off onto your pizza stone again--if you've made your Fucking Motherfuck correctly, you will realize that it is still sticking to your pizza paddle (like the Fucking Motherfuck it is). You should then cuss at it under your breath (presumably this is how it got its name) and attempt to loosen it from the pizza paddle a second time with your spatula.

Try once more to slide it off onto the pizza stone [PLEASE NOTE: to correctly bake a Fucking Motherfuck, your crust should not be jammed at by your spatula more or less than twice, otherwise your Fucking Motherfuck will not cook as it should], and when this fails a third time, begin to thrust your spatula sporadically underneath the crust, with a hint of frustrated desperation, and jam it hastily onto the pizza stone. Given that most of your crust will still be stuck to the paddle, your pizza should then completely invert itself and end up spilling onto your pizza stone, topping side face-down. When this happens, be sure to let out a frustrated wail and shout the name of your Italian delicacy once more, for all the neighbors to hear.

Once your pizza crust and toppings have been completely inverted onto your pizza stone, you are well on your way to baking a successful Fucking Motherfuck. You should then frustratedly smash it all together, with a sense of desperate nihilism. Presumably, you will want to get SOME of the crust underneath your toppings, but whatever. As long as it's all in a big heap of vegetable-doughy sloppiness, your Fucking Motherfuck is on the fast-track to success!

Slam the oven door shut loudly (if you'd like, you can slam it one or two more times, just for good measure) and then let your Fucking Motherfuck bake for about 15 minutes or so. You will not be able to tell for certain it is done, as it will look like a mound of half-burnt, crusty, doughy vegetables, but as long as the crust has begun to brown and the vegetables appear to be sizzling, you should be ok. (If you'd like, you can tear off a bit of the crust right now, just to doublecheck how done it is.) When cooked through, remove from the oven and let cool.

Treat your Fucking Motherfuck as you would a calzone--you can just eat it as is or serve it with a side of tomato sauce.

Your Fucking Motherfuck will serve 2-3.

Below is a recipe for a Dill & Vegetable Fucking Motherfuck, but you can fill your Fucking Motherfuck with whatever toppings your little heart desires.


DILL & VEGETABLE FUCKING MOTHERFUCK

INGREDIENTS:

• 2 T. vegan margarine


• 1/2 c. onions, thinly sliced


• 1 vegan pizza dough


• 1 garlic bulb


• 1/2 c. minced dill


• 3 firm Roma tomatoes, thinly sliced


• 1 small eggplant, thinly sliced (I also salted it and let it drain for 1/2 an hour and then rinsed and patted it dry)


• 3 T. extra-virgin olive oil

DIRECTIONS

Preheat the oven to 425F if you are making the pizza version, 500F if you are making a Fucking Motherfuck.

In a medium sauté pan over medium heat, melt the margarine. Sauté the onions until caramelized. Set aside.

Roll out the pizza dough to 1/4-inch thick. Spread with the garlic and sprinkle with 1/2 of the dill. Arrange the onions, tomatoes, and eggplant on top. Brush with the oil and sprinkle with the remaining dill.

Transfer into your oven or onto your pizza stone (if you are making a Fucking Motherfuck, follow the directions detailed above).

Bake for 10 to 12 minutes for a pizza (15-20 for a Fucking Motherfuck), until the dough is crispy and the vegetables are soft.

(Recipe from VegCooking)

Rum Cashew Fudge

I'm normally not one to chuckle about dead animals/insects/etc., but the irony of the following story made it difficult not to find it at least a LITTLE bit humorous.

I decided this past weekend to whip up some whiskey peanut fudge for our Cleveland Veganz September outting (go check out pics!). So I'm standing in my kitchen, melting chocolate chips in my microwave after having just whisked together the powdered sugar and whiskey for the fudge, and I catch a glimpse of the powdered-sugar/whiskey mixture out of the corner of my eye, noting that there a couple of black flecks in the mix. So I'm like, Hm. What the heck? Did I not clean the bowl out all the way? Now, I'm not the best of dishcleaners, granted, but to set all your minds at ease, what had been in the bowl previously WAS actually chocolate as well, which is why I wasn't overly-concerned. Anyways, I leaned in nonetheless, to pick the little black flecks out with my finger only to get a closer look and realize that they're not chocolate bits, they're BROWN ANTS!

Apparently my bag of powdered sugar was not closed all the way, and back when I was having the ant problem, a bunch of them ants got a wee bit too excited and climbed into the powdered sugar, never to emerge again. Which really is a bummer for those ants (though I guess there are worse ways to go than drowning in sugar), but struck me as RIDICULOUSLY ironic seeing as, of all the events I could've been making fudge for, it was a vegan event where accidental ants would've not just been gross but would've gone against everything the event itself was about.

So yeah: I almost made ant fudge and served it to a bunch of vegans. GO ME!

The GOOD thing that came out of this is that I ran out of whiskey, so after getting a new batch of powdered sugar, I decided to use rum and cashews instead of whiskey and peanuts. And I've gotta say, I think I might've actually liked the combo quite a bit more.

The whiskey fudge is most DEFINITELY good good shit, but it is kind of gruff and the kind of fudge that would EASILY get pissed off at you in a bar setting and break a bottle over your skull. The RUM fudge on the other hand had a bit more suaveness behind it. It's the kind of fudge that would lean over to you at the bar (in an entirely non-sleazy way), place its fingertips lightly on your wrist, and whisper flirtatious words into your ear, nearly touching you with its lips so that it can be heard over the bar-noise, and making you tingle at the feel of its warm breath against your neck.

I didn't take a picture of the new fudge, since it pretty much looked like the other fudge. So just use your imagination and picture that the peanuts are actually cashews and the whiskey is rum. Do it.

INGREDIENTS:

• 6 T. rum


• 1 1/4 c. powdered sugar


• 1 1/4 c. semisweet chocolate chips (melt them and cool them down after measuring the amount)


• 1 c. cashews (chop them after measuring the amount)

DIRECTIONS

prepare an 8×8 baking pan with some parchment paper for minimal cleanup.

whisk your rum together with the sugar. throw in cashews. add chocolate, stir well.

pour in your prepared baking pan, grab an extra piece of parchment paper and press down with a spatula [or your not-too-warm hands] on top of the extra parchment to level the fudge.

place in fridge for at least a couple of hours.

remove from pan, remove parchment paper and cut your fudge the way it’s never been cut before. the size of the pieces is up to you!

(Original whiskey-fudge recipe from Have Cake, Will Travel)

Omelette of Ugly Fat STUPIDNESS!

So I tried making SusanV's omelette recipe this weekend, and I just need to take a moment to stomp and pout.

*STOMPING, POUTING*

This is the second time I've tried making it actually--it looks gloriously tasty, and I've read and seen others' pics of it turning out delightfully gorgeous. And yet mine does NOT fricking CONGEAL. AT ALL. Now, I KNOW that this isn't 'cause SusanV's recipe sucks, because her recipes notoriously and consistently KICK ASS. So the first time I made it, I just assumed it was because I suck. The second time I made it and it got f-ed up though, I just got MAD. AT THE WORLD. Because clearly I'm not doing anything WRONG. But WHAT THE HELL?!?!

I mean, LOOK at it--it's all slimey-ass:



And the thing is, both attempts were really wasteful. The first time it got f-ed up, I attempted to make the best of it, turn it into a scramble, and chow down. But it was SOUPY. And no matter how much I tried to convince myself it tasted good, it ultimately made my stomach feel gross, simply because it was the equivalent of sucking down an assload of uncongealed (*blorf*) silken tofu.

The second time, I tried making it into a scramble again. But here's the thing: if you're using silken tofu, WILL it ever really TURN into a scramble?? Because again: tofu soup. No matter how long I cooked it. It doesn't bulk up. It just stays gross and watery. Which--presumably--is the reason why it won't TURN INTO A MOTHERF-ING OMELETTE.

So what is the deal, peeps who have made this before? Is it the kind of tofu I'm using? Presumably, if I can use either lite silken or regular extra-firm silken, then my tofu labeled an unspecific "SILKEN" should be fine, right? I just feel frustrated and don't even wanna try making it again for fear of having to be wasteful again.

Maybe I'll just try The Vegan Ronin's instead.

*Sticking out my lower lip*

Ma’s Potato Salad

So I forgot to take a picture of this potato salad. But you remember the part in E.T. where E.T. and Elliot get sick and they put E.T. in that breathing chamber and he's so skinny and greyish and sickly and you were like, E.T., No ! You can't die! and you were still trying not to be freaked out by all those government dudes that barged into their house and who were like the scariest things ever, and you were trying not to cry because it just isn't right that E.T. would EVER die because he is a GOOD alien??!! Anyways, sick E.T. is kind of what this potato salad looked like. Not real attractive, to be frank.

But in flavor, it was pretty damn good. Admittedly, it didn't make for the best of lunches for the week. But as a side to take to an omni bbq, it will DEFINITELY please.

I made a half-batch, but I include the original recipe, in case you wanna use it for a picnic or something.

Oh, and I omitted the onion finally, instead of spending all lunch picking it out.

INGREDIENTS:

• 4 large Russett potatoes, cleaned, cut into large chunks, and boiled until just soft


• 1/2 c. Bacuns or Bac-o's (meat-free bacon bits)


• 1 c. pitted, sliced black olives


• 2 c. diced celery


• 1/4 c. balsamic vinaigrette


• 3/4 c. Veganaise (or other nondairy mayo)


• 1/4 c. spicy brown mustard


• 1/2 t. sea salt


• 1 t. ground black pepper


• 1 cup diced red onion

DIRECTIONS

Clean, cut, and cook the potatoes (with skins on) until just soft.

Drain and chill.

When the potatoes are thoroughly chilled, mix with all other ingredients and enjoy

Serves about 6 large-portions, 8-12 sides.

(Recipe from VegCooking)

Peanut Butter-Oatmeal Cookies

                                    from the Vegetarian Times

They look so seductive and plump and rich and chocolate-chippy. But really, they were just kind of eh. So disappointing. Kinda like convincing that hot as HELL bar-chick to come home with you after spending an hour trying to figure out JUST the right pick-up line, and then all she does is file her nails the whole time you're doing it. You know what I'm talking about?? Disappointing.

Here's the thing: they didn't barely taste sweet. Granted, I have a sweet tooth. But still. They were just very underwhelming in flavor and sweetness. This was tempered some when you'd bite into a chocolate chip, but even with that: perhaps they needed more chocolate chips.

Long and short: There are much better vegan oatmeal cookies (example), vegan peanut butter cookies (this one you have to do your homework on), and vegan peanut butter oatmeal cookies (check out VwaV) elsewhere.

INGREDIENTS:

• 1.5 c. unbleached flour (I just used regular all-purpose)


• 1/2 c. rolled or old-fashioned oats


• 1/2 t. baking soda


• 1/2 t. salt


• 1 c. light brown sugar


• 1/4 c. nonhydrogenated vegetable shortening


• 1/4 c. canola oil


• 1/4 c. creamy peanut butter


• 1 T. egg replacer powder


• 5 T. water


• 1 t. vanilla extract


• 1 c. vegan chocolate chips

DIRECTIONS

Prehead oven to 375F.

Combine flour, oats, baking soda, and salt in a medium bowl.

Beat brown sugar, shortening, and oil with an electric mixer until smooth and fluffy. Add peanut butter, and beat until well combined.

Stir together 5 T. of water and egg replacer powder in a measuring cup. Beat egg replacer mixture and vanilla into brown sugar mixture until smooth.

Beat flour mixture into wet mixture, then add chocolate chips, and mix until combined. Scoop 1-T. dollops of dough 3-inches apart on an ungreased baking sheet. Flatten dough balls into 1/2 inch thickness with fingers (assuming you can--my dough was so mushy that it sort of did this on its own).

Bake 12 minutes, or until cookies are golden brown and dry on top.

Cool on baking sheet 5 minutes, then transfer to a wire rack to cool.

Makes about 26 cookies.

(Recipe from the (I think) Aug./Sept 2008 issue of the Veg Times)

Tie-Breaker!

First off: I've been keeping an eye on the poll results regarding the question I had of whether or not I should snag tons of my neighbor's polluted, chemical-laden basil.

And folks folks folks, the results are verging on 50/50. Which surprises me quite a bit actually. And which, of course, doesn't help my decision-making process at all.

So. As a tie-breaker, I offer the poll below. Choose wisely.

(FYI: You've gotta scroll over the
question to read the whole thing.
Because Quibblo is a d-o -u-c- h-e.)

Quizzes by Quibblo.com

Secondly: apparently, according to the Quibblo company that creates these lovely polls, the word "sex" is an inappropriate word to use in a poll. Not to mention "shit." Man, would they LOVE my web page. For sure.

Thirdly: apparently you can FOOL them by adding an extra T onto the word "shit." But apparently, "sex" is a naughty enough word that an extra X will NOT do the trick.

Fourthly: apparently they will catch on to the fact that you just added an extra T on to "shit," but only after subsequent attempts to fix "sex," and you will then have to intersperse hyphens and spaces to get the poll published.

Fifthly: The more x's you spell the word "sex" with, the more it kind of makes your nether-parts tingle.

Sixthly: Sex. Please.

Seventhly: *Annnnnnnd... SCENE*

Calling All Vegan Food Blogs

I need to do a little clean-up around here, dust in the corners, vacuum up some cat hair, etc., 'cause this blog's sidebar is getting a little unmanageable. So hopefully over the next week or so, the links you see will get whittled down.

And while I'm playing "housewife," I also wanted to mention the following: As I read through comments, and as I troll around for my amusement, checking out the referrals that got people to my page, I try to grab any links to new (or at least new to ME) vegan blogs I see. But I, of course, get lazy once in a while and don't feel like taking the time to post them. Or I overlook one. So here's what I'm saying:

If you have a vegan food blog, and if you're not already posted as a link in my sidebar, drop me a comment here, and I'll add you within the next week or two.

HOWEVER, I'd appreciate it if only the folks with VEGAN food blogs leave their links here. There are no doubt TONS of you omnis (and vegetarians) with food-blogs I adore (Smitten Kitchen and Everybody Likes Sandwiches being two of my favorites), but the point of my sidebar is to give readers an easily accessible list of VEGAN food blogs that they can recipe-hunt in and where they won't get all excited about a recipe until they get half-way through and realize it calls for, like, 20 egg-yolks or a slab of fox-liver or something. You feel me?

So please: If you're a vegan food blog and don't see yourself in the sidebar, holler.

In the meantime, I'm gonna start cleaning up dead links.

And also: your mom.

PS. If you haven't posted anything new this year, you're getting booted from my sidebar. Just for decluttering purposes. AND AS AN INCENTIVE TO POST!

More "The Most Bizarre Google Searches by Which People Stumble Across This Blog"

(For past editions, click HERE)

First off: I must briefly note that it is one of the more seemingly benign google searches below that made me laugh quite a bit this past week. The google search being "yes, that vegan shit". Why, you ask? Because each time I see it, I totally picture one of my grammar-nerd friends trying to track down my blog despite the fact that they are COMPLETELY embittered by my slanginess and uneloquent use of the english language, and thus, making a statement by correcting the Yeah and making GODDAMN SURE they put that motherf-ing comma in there. Tee hee.

Secondly: Learn to spell, motherfuckers. Perhaps you wouldn't keep ending up at some creepy lady's oily-feces-laden vegan page if you figured out how to spell, say, VEGAN. (Ok, probably not the best example, 'cause you STILL might end up here. But nonetheless: VEGEN and VAGAN: incorrect!)

Thirdly: Seriously, I do NOT get what exactly is going through people's heads when they run google searches.

Case in point: someone found this blog googling "i'm not taking anyone's shit." Now. Please tell me. What does a person hope to find when they type that into the google search engine? Or were they not expecting to find anything but just SO angry at the end of their day (having gotten their lunch money stolen, then tripping down the stairs while their 9th grade crush laugh at them, farting in class, and then having the class bully give them a super-wedgie) that when they sat down to google what every high school boy googles (aka. porn), they instead found themselves, to their own horror, subconsciously typing the above google search? Please. I need to know.

I mean, I understand "male vegetarian no sex drive zinc." Weird search perhaps, but logical.

But then again: "I took a shit in your kitchen." Well, thank you for telling me? I've been wondering what that stink was for the past 8 days? I thought maybe one of my neighbors had gotten stuck in the chimney and died? Again: what makes a person, sitting leisurely in front of their computer, decide to google this. And WHAT IS IT THEY EXPECT TO FIND IN THE RESULTS??!? I think this is even moreso what I want--nay NEED--to know.

Again: "Hungarian ass." Gotcha.

"Bitches eating shit." We're on the same page, buddy. Not my cup of tea, perhaps, but I HEAR WHAT YOU'RE SAYING.

"Cauliflower penis." Well, I've gotta admit. Back in the days of yore, when our Phys Ed teacher with the obligatory short feathered hair used to do the whole "condom over the banana" deal, I used to be both horrified and yet HYPNOTIZED by the horror story of the "cauliflower penis." So yeah, you had me at cauli.

"The buggets clits." Ummmmm, starting to lose me a little. But I'm ok with assuming that you were just overly excited about seeing pictures of really big clits and typoed a U instead of an I and switched up the T and S.

But "that a shit on her"? What does that even mean? I'll even give you the benefit of the doubt, dude, and assume you mean "that I shit on her"? But even then, I'm at a loss. Not even a complete sentence, much less a complete thought.

AND YET, even MORE crazily, somehow each one of these individuals yielded search results with their google searches, and somehow MY vegan food blog was among the results, and somehow each of these individual's curiosity was piqued by SOMETHING amidst the vegan rambling here, and somehow, for some reason, god bless 'em, every one, they decided to actually CLICK on the link and check this page out.

And for that, I say, Rock on, Nonsensical Google Searchers. All criticisms aside, I hope, in my heart of hearts, that after you took the time to stop by this blog, you DID stop taking other people's shit, found the buggets clits, and figured out what are quinoas.

• hungarian ass


• shit into her


• quinia shit


• peanut libido


• male vegetarian no sex drive zinc


• CUP TEA WOMAN EAT SHIT


• the buggets clits


• BITCHES EATING SHIT


• I took a shit in your kitchen


• it is my prerogative vegan


• vegan assholes


• yes, that vegan shit


• skinny bitches with long dicks


• porno shit and vomit


• what bowels to expect as a vegen


• what does a dirty hippy bring to a barbeque


• what are quinoas


• soy milk cause baby to vomit


• cauliflower penis


• shit on my head porn


• that a shit on her


• i'm not taking anyone's shit

Rubbing Them All Over My Body, Despite the Fact That They're Kind of Stabby

So someone or another of you delightful bloggers posted recently about the new vegan doritos (Spicy Sweet Chili is the flavor), and I was all WHAT WHAT because I've always loved me some doritos, in all their over-processed, triangular, cheez-tastic, junk-foody gloriousness. And I've missed them. Kind of like you miss the stupidity of the things you used to do during puberty (minus the pimples and general greasiness).



Which is why I decided to nab some this weekend and serve them alongside some nice, thick mock-tuna sandwiches.

And holy holy hell are they good.

Said N-A: Damn. These are better than the original Doritos.

Said Lindy Loo: Mgralffffcralknumnumnumcrunchunhuhmgcrghhhj.

Conclusion: You must check them out. They are indeed better than the originals. And *they taste like cheez*!!!!

PS. That is not my hand.

Key Lime Meltaways

                         from Smitten Kitchen

So I made these last week. Not sure what possessed me, as I'm not a particularly big lime nerd. But they sounded simple, and for some reason I have a fondness for cookie dough that requires refrigerating. I have NO clue why. But it's probably the same brain-weirdness that makes me angry at recipes that require yeast.

Anyways, they turned out delightfully cute, albeit a bit dry for my tastebuds.

Pluses: They are wonderfully limey, and also meltingly delicate.

Minuses: Holy crap my arm was about to fall off from all the zesting. And I think maybe the cornstarch might need to be tweaked somehow. As I'm not a master of all things bakery (a "masterbaker"--*snickersnickersnicker*--one might say), I don't really know how important the cornstarch is to the recipe. But the cookies DID taste rather dry in that kind of way where, once saliva hits the cookie-pulp inside your mouth, it suddenly turns into glue. Which makes them sound awful, but trust me: they totally are not. At all. I think it might just be a case of me being picky, seeing as I had quite a few people tell me they liked them, and I had a coworker ask for the recipe. So yeah: picky Lindy Loo is probably just the culprit.

RANDOMNESS: I think these would make a fun addition to a margarita night--they have the perfect pucker to complement.

RANDOMNESS #2: Am I the only person who is so measuringly-challenged that I have to actually take out a ruler to figure out what the hell, say, 1/4" would actually LOOK like? I often wonder this.

INGREDIENTS:

• 3/4 c. nonhydrogenated vegan margarine*


• 1 c. confectioners’ sugar


• Grated zest of 4 tiny or 2 large key limes (I just realized I don't really know if there's a difference between key limes and just lime limes, but I used the latter of the two if there is)


• 2 T. freshly squeezed lime juice


• 1 T. pure vanilla extract


• 1 3/4 c. + 2 T. all-purpose flour


• 2 T. cornstarch


• 1/4 teaspoon salt (I omitted this, since the original recipe called for unsalted butter, and vegan margarine is typically salted)

DIRECTIONS

In a large bowl, cream margarine and 1/3 c. sugar until fluffy. Add lime zest, juice, and vanilla; beat until fluffy. (I used a handheld mixer.)

In a medium bowl, whisk together flour, cornstarch, and salt (if you choose to use it). Add to margarine mixture, and beat on low speed until combined.

Use 1 or 2 pieces of parchment paper to roll dough into two 1 1/4-inch-diameter logs. Wrap. Chill at least 1 hour.

Heat oven to 350 degrees. Line two baking sheets with parchment. Place remaining 2/3 c. sugar in a resealable plastic bag (or plastic container). Remove parchment from logs; slice dough into 1/4-inch-thick rounds. Place rounds on baking sheets, spaced 1 inch apart (they do not spread).

Bake cookies until barely golden, about 15 minutes. Transfer cookies to a wire rack to cool slightly, just three or four minutes. While still warm, place cookies in the sugar-filled bag; toss to coat.

Bake or freeze remaining dough. Store baked cookies in an airtight container for up to 2 weeks.

Makes about 5 dozen.

(Original recipe from Smitten Kitchen)

Help Me Help Me Help Me

So I have a dilemma. And I am torn as to what to do. Which is where you come in. I need your helps, darling readers.

The dilemma is this: My front neighbors planted a ridiculous amount of basil at the beginning of the summer. Think (honest to god) a good 20-30 plants. And they've not used a BIT of it. (They seem to be the type of folks who like to do the obligatorily domestic kind of stuff--like planting herbs--and yet always order in and, thus, never use them.)

One day, when I commented about the wonderful smell of them wafting in my window, my neighbor told me I was welcome to help myself to some. And since it's starting to wilt, and since the end of the summer is approaching, I'm tempted to snag an assload and just make tons of pesto.

BUT, herein lies the dilemma: They planted the basil in what a couple people have told me is contaminated soil (we live in the city, near daily industrial stink and filth--they planted it straight in the ground). And when they first planted it, their idiot father sprinkled what I can only imagine to be fertilizer of some sort all over the plants. Not on the soil. But actually a thick dusting over all the leaves as well.

So...

Quizzes by Quibblo.com

And I Have Now Officially Gotten It Out of My System, So Johanna Woodbury, I Bid Thee Adieu

Letter to the Editor:

As I was reading your article "Faux Meat Revolution” in the Sept./Oct. issue, I happened across Johanna Woodbury’s reader-quote which declares that “Anyone who supplements too much with foods that are labeled "chicken, beef, or fish" isn't really vegetarian.” I reread it twice in disbelief. It is statements like these that give veg*ns a bad name and reinforce the perception of us as overly-judgmental. Vegetarianism is the active choice to give up the consumption of MEAT. Not the consumption of things that LOOK like meat. Not the consumption of things that TASTE like meat. But MEAT. When you cloud up the distinction between faux-meats and real meats, acting as though there is no ethical difference between the two, that eating either of them makes you “unvegetarian,” you are downplaying and undercutting the suffering and cruelty involved in the production of actual meat. And that is a ridiculous slight to the animals involved. Ethical veg*ns choose to be veg because we don’t want to contribute to animal suffering. Faux meats do NOT contribute to animal suffering. And a statement such as Ms. Woodbury’s trivializes why we choose to not be consumers of animal products. It also reminds me that, as representatives of veg*nism, we need to be more careful in how we choose to frame our words. Because it is uncareful statements like these that make veg*ns sound like we’re preaching from our moral high-horses and which give omnivores good reason to wave their hands dismissively at us.

Sent in to VegNews this morning.

We'll see if it gets picked up.

Brussel Sprouts & Johanna Woodbury Jealousy

First off, how in the HELL did I manage to miss Johanna Woodbury's response to my rant the other week?? Upon further review, I suspect it is because she decided to post her response on a completely unrelated food-post from a few weeks prior. Deliberate on her part? I am unsure. Though I *DO* suspect that, by posting her comment on a completely unrelated comment-chain, it's nullified any potential dialogue (or further ranting) in reponse to her comment. And because I am such a delightful brat, I am reposting her comment here today, for your reading pleasure. And I'm also reposting it where it belongs: AMIDST the long line of responses to the VegNews quote of hers.

BTW: WAY TO BE JEALOUS OF HER WINNING THE MONTHLY CONTEST, ALL OF YOU! Clearly your 42 comments just stem from a 90210-esque jealousy of the cool girl who wins things that you don't:

Well, it's the big, bad Johanna W. here. You all have taken what I've said too seriously, or your jealous that I won the monthly contest. All I meant was that too many "vegans" or "vegetarians" supplementing their diets with "faux" meats aren't doing themselves any good. Some of that food is so processed and full of ingredients that are worse for you than meat. I don't eat meat, so I'm not coming from that end of things. This site looks great...I see a lot of FOOD. I really don't think that I have to say anymore. I just thank a nice person to making me aware of all this bashing. I'm very happy that I struck a chord with someone.



Ok. Moving on...

So despite the fact that I didn't bring it up last week, I *DID* venture into The Land of Brussel Sprouts, after being challenged to do so by emily.



In cooking them, I followed the directions that emily posted:

I think if you find fresh, local brussel sprouts, slice them in half lengthwise, put them on a cookie sheet rubbed with olive oil, brush or spray them with olive oil, cook at around 400 for about 10-15 minutes, then toss with salt and pepper and eat them hot, you'll change your opinion about them. I hope so because I think it's your ticket away from faux meats and into the land of REAL vegetarians!

Now, initially, when I dove into them with my dinner, I found myself thinking, "Ok. She's right. Definitely not gag-worthy. But I also don't feel too strongly about them either." And then, the next day, as my work day rolled to a close and my stomach started growling at the thought of my impending dinner, I suddenly got a craving for them. Seated at my desk, I actually thought to myself, "Mmmm. I can't wait to get home and whip up some more brussel sprouts." And then I had them again the following day. And then this weekend I had a random craving for them and found myself wishing I had picked some up at the WSM on Friday.

So yes: Emily, though I rarely admit to defeat, you have won this contest of brussel sprouty wits. If I had a championship belt bedazzled with hundreds of gold brussel sprouts, I would surely be hanging my head in shame and passing it off to you and then inventing some sort of waffle-press-like infomercial product to cook tofu in.