A Rant Like No Other Rant Ranted by This Ranter

Ok. Most of you have been reading this blog long enough to know me (or my web-persona at least) fairly well. You know I'm not a dick (except tongue in cheek), and you know I don't randomly diss on people (unless they're leaving assholey comments on the bumper of my car). But the other day, I picked up the newest issue of VegNews and settled into reading the article titled "Faux Meat Revolution" (Sept./Oct. 2008). Along the margins of this article, they've collected quotes from various people across the country giving their two cents about the faux-meat debate. And as I was reading them, I stumbled across the following quote, and, well, I just had to post it, as it is seriously, one of the STUPIDEST things I have ever read. Stupid enough that I am surprised that the VegNews even took the time to publish it. Because seriously, it's veg*ns that say THIS kind of shit that give veg*ns a bad name. It's comments like THIS that justifiably (and this is probably the only time I will say JUSTIFIABLY) make meat-eaters roll their eyes and think veg*ns a bunch of nutcases. It's quotes like this that make me actually blurt out to my cats, "Are you fucking kidding me???"

Readers: Are you prepared? Are you sitting down? Are you within five-feet of a stiff drink?

Here you go...

In criticism of faux-meat:

"Anyone who supplements too much with foods that are labeled "chicken, beef, or fish" isn't really vegetarian. The worst faux meats are those flavored in such a way that it might as well be meat. The best food for you is homemade food." --Johanna Woodbury (Brattleboro, VT)

Let's post this one more time in larger font, just so you don't miss a GODDAMN word of it:

"Anyone who supplements too much with foods that are labeled "chicken, beef, or fish" isn't really vegetarian. The worst faux meats are those flavored in such a way that it might as well be meat. The best food for you is homemade food." --Johanna Woodbury (Brattleboro, VT)

Now, I debated posting the person's name, on the off-chance that one day they'd be googling their name (like we all do) and stumble across this rant. But then I thought: no. That comment is SO fucktarded that I hope Johanna Woodbury (yes, YOU Johanna Woodbury) DOES in fact google her name and read this. Because (and really, I don't think much needs to be said here, because I think as soon as you read that, you will probably be like, *cartoon doubletake* WHAT?!?!?!, but I will say it anyways) vegetarianism is the active choice to give up the consumption of MEAT. Not the consumption of things that LOOK like meat (but aren't meat). Not the consumption of things that SMELL like meat (but aren't meat). Not things that TASTE like meat (but aren't meat). But MEAT. MEAT MEAT MEAT.

Who in the fuck actually believes that someone who eats too much faux meat ISN'T ACTUALLY A VEGETARIAN?!?!?!? Oh my god. Not to mention the fact that apparently Johanna Woodbury not only believes that vegetarians who eat fake-meat aren't really vegetarians, but she also seems to be implying that if you flavor something to TASTE like meat, then you might as well be biting into a big chunk of dead flesh. You accidentally seasoned that tofu in a way reminiscent of the perch you used to eat: YOU MIGHT AS WELL JUST EAT THE PERCH. Eat a potato that just happens to be flavored with steak-seasonings: YOU ARE ESSENTIALLY EATING THE FUCKING STEAK!!! Order a veggie burger at your local veg-friendly restaurant that tastes UNCANNILY like the old-school cheeseburgers of your youth: YOU ARE BANISHED FROM THE LAND OF VEGETARIANISM!!!

How MOTHERF-ING SILLY does that sound???

I mean, seriously: I am hiding this magazine so that one of my meat-eating friends doesn't happen across this quote, because I think it may make their head explode. Not only is it holier than thou in that "Annoying Veg*n"-type way, but it's DOUBLY so, because it's dissing on people WHO ARE ON THE SAME PAGE AS HER!!! (Translation of her quote: You may be vegetarian, but I'm a BETTER vegetarian than you because I don't eat fake-meat. Motherf-ing bullshit.)

Oh my god. *shaking my head in continued disbelief*

Ugh. That quote just makes me so angry.

And yes, I admittedly have a fairly strong opinion about faux meats, and essentially it's this: "If its authenticity has a far better chance of convincing a diehard meat-eater to go veg, and if it's not (in any which way, shape, or form) causing any sort of suffering and/or wreaking zombie-like havoc on small towns, THEN WHY THE FUCK GO ON AND ON ABOUT HOW MUCH YOU DISLIKE IT?!? Just shut up and DON'T EAT IT. And, good god, stop frothing at the mouth about The Evils of Faux Meat to everyone else around you. I mean, I don't like brussel sprouts, but I don't feel the need to go ON AND ON AND ON to my fellow vegheads about "the ethical dilemma of eating brussel sprouts" ALL THE MOTHERF-ING TIME, right? And no doubt, mock meats aren't anything gourmet or *putting on snooty french voice* excquisitely culinary in nature. But, um, who said they were trying to be?" So yeah: I have strong opinions.

But quite honestly, I am putting all that aside in posting this, and not even taking issue with the faux-meat-haters at all when I say this... Regardless of whether this had been on the pro- or anti- faux-meat eating side, it seriously is one of THE dumbest things I've EVER heard.

Johanna Woodbury, I'm sure you're a very nice lady and all. And I'm sure you're a dedicated veg*n. But if you ever happen to be in Cleveland, you best be ready to rumble.