I am the queen of all vegan klutzes when in the kitchen. It is rare for a week to go by without me disastrously destroying SOME sort of kitchen item in the most Charlie-Chaplin-esque pratfall type of way possible. In the past two weeks, I've demolished a plate and also the casserole dish that I'd just newly acquired (to my deepest dismay).
Well, yesterday, while cooking up some mac n' cheese, I managed not to actually break anything, but I instead had the most vegan-erotic, Flashdance-esque moment ever had by a fellow human-being in their kitchen...
As I went to pour soy milk into the pot out of my large jug of soy milk, I lost my grip on it, and it fell, hitting the stove on the way down and ricocheting a fine stream of milk through the air and all over my shirt and pants. As it did so, I of course thrust my head back, my hair swinging dramatically through the air, and arched my back (ever so erotically) in an attempt to avoid the sudden soy-milk storm. Which was of course unsuccessful, resulting in me standing there with my boobs pushed out, looking like the winner of a weird one-woman vegan wet-t-shirt contest.
I then did what I somehow always manage to do, which is to make the situation worse, this time by overcompensating for the spill and trying to grab the container on the way to the floor, which instead sent it into another tailspin, in which it flipped the remainder of its contents through the air, all over my stove, and all over the floor.
I stood there, horrified and stunned, soymilk dripping from the shirt now clinging to my ample bosom (I *so* should be writing food-erotica, no?), soy milk dripping from my hair, soy milk dripping from my fuzzy Grinch slippers, staring at my kitchen which now looked like a dozen babies had projectile-vomited everywhere, and I thought of you, dear readers. I thought of you.
Because I know that, despite all my klutzy vegan foibles, you love me. Or at least put up with me.
And for that, I am very thankful this holiday season.
Hee hee.
No comments:
Post a Comment