Thursday, October 04, 2007

No Recipe -- Just Some Wailing, Cyborg-Monocle-Fantasizing, and Greasy Lemon Fuck-Ups

Sunday, I had planned to make the VCTOTW Pumpkin Pie Brownies, but then I realized I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO SUGAR IN MY HOUSE. Somehow I'd managed to use up the very last of my sugar without realizing it (perhaps I was in denial or something), so I was, of course, devastated, because no decent food-lover (nay, no decent HUMAN BEING) should EVER be without sugar in their cupboards (or a little sugar in their bowl--*wah wah wahhhhh*). So needless to say, I went on a 3-hour crying jag, and then finally when I had settled down to just a bit of dry-heaving and the occasional wail, I decided to soothe my angst by baking some sort of cookie that didn't actually require sugar. When I saw the lemon cookies from VWAV, I decided those would be the ones.

My spirits began to lift again as I got into a golden Betty Crocker kind of mood, picturing rolling out delightful cookie dough on my counter while the sun sparkled gaily (even thought it was night) and my cats trounced about the apartment. I then realized I needed cookie cutters to bust out these little lemon delights, so I scrounged about in my cupboards and came to realize that the only two cookie cutters I own are in the shape of a) a snowflake, and b) an ax.

This would've probably devastated any *normal* human being, but my gut just about burst with excitement when I realized that I would most certainly freak out my fellow employees with the completely bizarre (and inexplicably unrelated) variety of cookie shapes that I'd be offering to them at work the next day. All my remaining tears immediately dried up as I envisioned the email I would be sending out when I got into work:

Ladies & Gents:

I've brought in some vegan lemon cookies for your eating-pleasure. They are in the shapes of a snowflake and an ax. The snowflake represents the quickly approaching winter, and the ax represents what you will get if you ask me any questions about why I own an ax cookie cutter. Enjoy!

But alas, though I thought I might be able to get away with not using a hand-held blender to whip up the cookies (since I don't own one, and since I've managed to do so on prior occasion): no such luck.* Despite the fact that I gave myself carpal-tunnel cramps whisking the shit out of the cookie dough, the dough came out way too mushy, and wouldn't cut out nicely. And to top that off, when I finally gave up and just made circles and threw them in the oven, they baked up like shit. Little, flat, squishy, lemony splotches of greasy shit. *sigh*

I don't doubt the recipe at all, so don't mentally note it as one you are never ever never going to try. Unfortunately, I think I just need to suck it up and get myself a handheld blender already (when I have some money). And then... AND THEN... perhaps my dream will come true, and, donning my cyborg-monocle, I can robotically turn to one of my fellow employees, and robotically monotone the words, "Would you like a snowflake ax cookie, human of easily-destructible flesh and blood?"

*I also don't own a rolling pin, but I just wash off a beer bottle and use that. *Vegan MacGyver in da house--ow owwwww!*.

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