This Edition of "The Most Bizarre Google Searches by Which People Stumble Across This Blog" Is Attacked By Confusing Grammar

Today's edition--mainly due to unclear grammar--has left us with many unanswered questions. Join us in answering them, won't you?


Two cooks in one pussy

Questions:

1. How big is this pussy that it can hold not one but TWO cooks?


2. What are they DOING there?

Man hairy ass eating sleuths

Questions:

1. Are the sleuths hairy and ass-eating?


2. Or is the ass hairy and enjoying a nice meal of sleuths?

The world... pretty shit

Questions:

1. Is this a glass-half-full statement? (The world=full of pretty things)


2. Or is this a glass-half-empty statement? (The world=shit)

Shit balls recipe

Questions:

1. Is this asking for a recipe that will CAUSE you to shit balls?


2. Or is this asking for a recipe FOR shit balls?


3. If #2, are shit balls like meat balls but, well, clearly using things other than meat as the main ingredients?

Girls get bummed and then shit

Questions:

1. Does bummed mean screwed?


2. Or does bummed mean depressed?


3. If the latter of the two, does the shitting help with the depression?

Shit finger tube

Questions:

1. Is this an attempt to find a tube in which to store one's shit finger?


2. Or is this person curious about why they shat a finger-tube?


3. If #1, what exactly IS a shit-finger?


4. If #2, what exactly IS a finger-tube?

Swedish Mole Porn

Questions:

1. Are the moles Swedish?


2. Or is it the porn that's Swedish?


3. Are they referring to animal moles?


4. Or are they referring to skin moles?


5. How does one make either pornographic?


6. If #1: Do they speak with a Swedish accent?


7. If #2: What makes a porn characteristically Swedish?

(For past editions, click HERE)

Kitty Karma

Despite the fact that I sometimes get overwhelmed by the knowledge that bad things often happen to good people, on good days, I do believe we're rewarded for the good things we do, even if it's in little ways.

Yesterday was one such day.

Monday, I lost a tiny hoop earring that I'd been wearing. (They're not expensive earrings, but they're unique and not ones I could find replacements for.) The latch kept coming loose on them all day, and when I returned home from work, I suddenly realized it was missing. With no clue as to when it had fallen off.

Given that fact combined with this ridiculous snow lately, I figured it was a lost cause: Who knows where it I lost it (work, car, outside, apartment), and if it fell off outside, well, that's the end of that.

Then yesterday, I go out to feed the stray I've been feeding for the past year. I bend down to leave the bowl underneath the bush in the backyard, and sitting on top of the mound of snow, just inches from where I'm bending down: my earring.

The little things.

(Quicker) No-Knead Bread

                                       from the kitchen


I have a secret loathing for recipes that require kneading.

There.

I said it.

What a weight lifted from these shoulders.

I really want to ENJOY kneading, because as someone who loves to cook, it is probably one of the most intimate cooking activities you can engage in, considering you're actually--well--fondling the food. Like wrist-deep in it. Thrusting and smooshing and squeezing and... well, you get the point.

But I don't like it.

It's tiring. And 10 minutes of kneading seems like a fricking eternity.

So I was pleased when I happened across this recipe on somebody's blog recently. I have no recollection of whose blog I originally saw it on, probably because I was entirely distracted by the excitement of a no-knead bread recipe. But thank you, whichever of you lovely vegans posted about it recently.

It's super easy-peasy. And it's yummy.

The consistency is wonderful. Crusty outside, FANTASTICALLY perfect inside. The flavor, although good, definitely could be spiced up a bit. So next time, I plan to add some roasted garlic and herbs. (I definitely recommend halving (or maybe even quartering) the salt quantity though, 'cause I only used 1/2 and it was a bit salty.)

It really is ridiculously easy. And it's fantastic for dipping in soup and/or olive oil.

Oh, and for those of you who--like me--are like, wtf is a dutch oven, you can easily half-ass it by tossing a circular casserole dish into the oven for 15 minutes or so before dumping the bread into it.

And you can now use that extra 10 minutes you didn't spend kneading to do something else instead.

Suggestions:

Kneading someone's boobies.

Kneading someone's ass.

Baking me cookies.

Baking me brownies.

Baking me cake.

Baking me bread.

Getting baked.

INGREDIENTS:

• 3 c. bread flour


• 3/4 t. regular yeast (not instant)


• 1-1/4 t. salt [I recommend 1/4 to 1/2 t.]


• 1-1/2 c. water

DIRECTIONS

Mix all the ingredients in the morning before you go to work. This should take about 3 minutes and leave you with a thick, slightly goopy dough. Cover with a towel or some plastic wrap and leave it in the warmest spot in your kitchen. (I tossed mine in my mixing bowl with some plastic wrap over the top of it and tossed it in my closet that has my furnace in it.) It should get a 6 to 8-hour rise.

When you come home from work lightly mist a counter or baking sheet with spray oil and turn dough out on it. Shape it roughly into a ball, mist with oil again, and cover with a towel or plastic wrap. (I shaped mine into a ball, poured a tiny bit of olive oil into the mixing bowl I'd had it in, and then tossed the ball into the mixing bowl and shook it around until it was coated in olive oil. I then covered the mixing bowl back up with plastic wrap and tossed it back in my closet.) Let proof for about an hour, or however long you have.

Heat the oven to 450-F. Put a Dutch oven (or an alternative, such as a casserole dish) in the oven to heat. When the dough has doubled in size, put it in the pan. You may have to pour it, pry it off the baking sheet, or just roll it in - the dough is very wet. Don't worry if it looks a mess.

Cover the pot with a lid and bake for 30 minutes. Remove lid and bake for another 15 minutes to let it brown.

You can be really sure that the bread is done when an instant-read thermometer inserted into the side of the loaf reads 210-220-F.

(Recipe from the kitchen)