One of My Biggest Food-Related Pet Peeves

Bean Tooth (bēn tōōth)

n.

1. The state of being that occurs after an individual has consumed a bean-filled item of food, wherein one or two of the skins of the beans stick to one's teeth in such a way that renders the bean indiscernible to the touch of the tongue, thus causing one to walk around all day with a bean-skin stuck to one of their front teeth, only to be discovered--with great horror--far too late in the day upon an accidental glimpse in a restroom mirror.


2. The tooth that has been inflicted with a case of Bean Tooth: Fucking shit, check out that girl's Bean Tooth! Nasty!

So sayeth the Dictionary of VeganMofo.

Three Cheers For Vag-Time!

So finally: the moment you've all surely been waiting for! It's VAGINA-DENTATA-TIME!



As I mentioned last week, I had a little Vagina Dentata party this weekend, and we all watched the movie Teeth.

In honor of the movie's vagina dentata theme, I decided to whip up some vagina/penis-themed munchies.

First off, I adapted the bloody finger cookie recipe to make little vaginas and penises.

Now, I must tell you. It is really f-ing hard to make tiny penises and vaginas. Harder (snicker) than one might think. Veganmofo! The problem with it is that as soon as you take a penis or vagina out of context (place it in a situation where it's not attached to the body), it kind of looks confusing and isn't really obvious as a penis or vagina.

And then, to top THAT off, this morning, I suddenly panicked and got paranoid that I put the clits in the wrong place on the vaginas. All them labia and lips and whatnot make things so very confusing when trying to recreate them! But N-A didn't say anything, and he's pretty much a clit connoisseur. Ha ha ha. And no one else at my party said anything either. Then again, they could've just been sitting around thinking to themselves, "The poor poor girl--she doesn't even know where a clit is located."

Well, f- that! I think I got it right.

And if I didn't, well, make your own damn vagina cookies!

Anyways, these are the befores:




These are the afters:




Unfortunately, they sank as they baked, so they didn't look quite as good as the pre-baked versions, but they worked.

I also made some cut-up wieners (get it!), aka. "pigs"-in-a-blanket, served with ketchup (blood--get it!).

This is not the best of pics, and it's a before-pic, but oh well. Basically, I cut vegan hot-dogs into quarters, and then I wrapped them in a piece of Pillsbury Crescent roll dough (also vegan):



And finally... The piece de resistance of the party was the vagina dentata surprise that my friends P (and L) brought over and kept a secret up until the point of unveiling. It was definitely the highlight of the party's munchies.

You can see why:



Ha ha ha.

P used an Isa Chocolate Cake recipe and then decked it out with vegan frostings, fruity chews, and almonds for teeth.

I don't think I've ever seen a cuter vagina dentata. Have you?

The Tale of the Scone-Loving Dame

                                      from VwaV


So last week, I crushed out. I'm on the lam, and I bump into this cat from back in the day. He and I are chinning, and I says, "Don't be a bunny, baby. I'm a (vegan) butter and egg man, you get me? And I'll bop someone if it means staying out of bracelets, hear? So gimme the cabbage or get lost." So he gives me the cush 'cause I've got the heat pointed right at him. And I--of course--fade as fast as possible and skip over to the nearest creep joint. I get inside where there's this real looker, and I take her up to her room, a bit of dough in hand. But the boozehound's smoked and right off throws a joe on her bed. I mutter a Veganmofo or two under my breath, and--to bide my time til the dame's no longer out on the roof--I whip up these scones. They're plump, curvy, and sweet, just like your typical broad, so I wake the mad dame and say, Chew this. And next thing I know, she's got those getaway sticks spread WIDE open for me.

That's a scone-loving dame for you.

And what a scone-loving dame she was...




VwaV's Chocolate-Chip Scones

INGREDIENTS:

• 3 c. all-purpose flour


• 2 T. baking powder


• 6 T. sugar (plus an extra tsp for sprinkling on top)


• 1/4 t. salt


• 1/3 c. vegetable oil


• 1/2 c. soy cream (rice or soy milk is an ok replacement, but the cream really works better)


• 3/4 c. rice or soy milk plus 2 t. apple cider vinegar


• 1 t. vanilla extract


• 1 c. vegan chocolate chips

DIRECTIONS

Preheat oven to 400 degrees F.

In a large mixing bowl, sift together the flour, baking powder, sugar, and salt. Add the oil, soy cream, and milk with vinegar. Mix until just combined; the dough should be clumpy and not sticky. Even if there is still a light dusting of flour, that's okay.

Drop by 1/4 cupfuls onto the greased cookie sheet and pat the tops just a little bit to round them out; sprinkle with a bit of sugar. Bake 12-15 minutes until slightly browned on the bottom and firm on the top.

Chocolate Chip Scones: Add 1 tsp of vanilla extract to the liquid ingredients, add another 2 Tbsp sugar, fold in 1 cup of chocolate chips.

(Recipe from Vegan with a Vengeance, posted at Tribe.net)