Three Cheers For Vag-Time!

So finally: the moment you've all surely been waiting for! It's VAGINA-DENTATA-TIME!



As I mentioned last week, I had a little Vagina Dentata party this weekend, and we all watched the movie Teeth.

In honor of the movie's vagina dentata theme, I decided to whip up some vagina/penis-themed munchies.

First off, I adapted the bloody finger cookie recipe to make little vaginas and penises.

Now, I must tell you. It is really f-ing hard to make tiny penises and vaginas. Harder (snicker) than one might think. Veganmofo! The problem with it is that as soon as you take a penis or vagina out of context (place it in a situation where it's not attached to the body), it kind of looks confusing and isn't really obvious as a penis or vagina.

And then, to top THAT off, this morning, I suddenly panicked and got paranoid that I put the clits in the wrong place on the vaginas. All them labia and lips and whatnot make things so very confusing when trying to recreate them! But N-A didn't say anything, and he's pretty much a clit connoisseur. Ha ha ha. And no one else at my party said anything either. Then again, they could've just been sitting around thinking to themselves, "The poor poor girl--she doesn't even know where a clit is located."

Well, f- that! I think I got it right.

And if I didn't, well, make your own damn vagina cookies!

Anyways, these are the befores:




These are the afters:




Unfortunately, they sank as they baked, so they didn't look quite as good as the pre-baked versions, but they worked.

I also made some cut-up wieners (get it!), aka. "pigs"-in-a-blanket, served with ketchup (blood--get it!).

This is not the best of pics, and it's a before-pic, but oh well. Basically, I cut vegan hot-dogs into quarters, and then I wrapped them in a piece of Pillsbury Crescent roll dough (also vegan):



And finally... The piece de resistance of the party was the vagina dentata surprise that my friends P (and L) brought over and kept a secret up until the point of unveiling. It was definitely the highlight of the party's munchies.

You can see why:



Ha ha ha.

P used an Isa Chocolate Cake recipe and then decked it out with vegan frostings, fruity chews, and almonds for teeth.

I don't think I've ever seen a cuter vagina dentata. Have you?

The Tale of the Scone-Loving Dame

                                      from VwaV


So last week, I crushed out. I'm on the lam, and I bump into this cat from back in the day. He and I are chinning, and I says, "Don't be a bunny, baby. I'm a (vegan) butter and egg man, you get me? And I'll bop someone if it means staying out of bracelets, hear? So gimme the cabbage or get lost." So he gives me the cush 'cause I've got the heat pointed right at him. And I--of course--fade as fast as possible and skip over to the nearest creep joint. I get inside where there's this real looker, and I take her up to her room, a bit of dough in hand. But the boozehound's smoked and right off throws a joe on her bed. I mutter a Veganmofo or two under my breath, and--to bide my time til the dame's no longer out on the roof--I whip up these scones. They're plump, curvy, and sweet, just like your typical broad, so I wake the mad dame and say, Chew this. And next thing I know, she's got those getaway sticks spread WIDE open for me.

That's a scone-loving dame for you.

And what a scone-loving dame she was...




VwaV's Chocolate-Chip Scones

INGREDIENTS:

• 3 c. all-purpose flour


• 2 T. baking powder


• 6 T. sugar (plus an extra tsp for sprinkling on top)


• 1/4 t. salt


• 1/3 c. vegetable oil


• 1/2 c. soy cream (rice or soy milk is an ok replacement, but the cream really works better)


• 3/4 c. rice or soy milk plus 2 t. apple cider vinegar


• 1 t. vanilla extract


• 1 c. vegan chocolate chips

DIRECTIONS

Preheat oven to 400 degrees F.

In a large mixing bowl, sift together the flour, baking powder, sugar, and salt. Add the oil, soy cream, and milk with vinegar. Mix until just combined; the dough should be clumpy and not sticky. Even if there is still a light dusting of flour, that's okay.

Drop by 1/4 cupfuls onto the greased cookie sheet and pat the tops just a little bit to round them out; sprinkle with a bit of sugar. Bake 12-15 minutes until slightly browned on the bottom and firm on the top.

Chocolate Chip Scones: Add 1 tsp of vanilla extract to the liquid ingredients, add another 2 Tbsp sugar, fold in 1 cup of chocolate chips.

(Recipe from Vegan with a Vengeance, posted at Tribe.net)

Project Kitchen!

Up until a few years ago, I'd lived in apartments with some of the world's most pitiful kitchens. The piece de resistance of terrible kitchens was my kitchen from grad school, which literally had standing space that was about 2 feet wide and was sectioned off from the rest of the room by feeble folding doors. TERRIBLE.

So when I was apartment hunting and walked into the kitchen of my current apartment, it was like angels all began singing in unison, all the suns rays came filtering magnificently through the kitchen windows, and a multitude of Julian Casablancas cyborgs began waltzing across the countertops.

It's an ENORMOUS kitchen, with a bounty of natural light and beautiful hardwood floors. My only complaint is the lack of counter and cupboard space, but everything else kind of makes up for it.

And it's BECAUSE it's such a wonderful space that it sort of dawned on me a couple weeks ago that I really should be treating it better than I have been, and that it could use a little bit of TLC. So I decided to paint it and track down some curtains--the windows are horribly filthy, and I don't really have a way of cleaning them, so I figured I could at least block some of the view.

So join me, on a tour of my newly-painted kitchen, so that you may burn with envy.



The Before...

The After...
The color's called Lemon Grass

My new curtains: $2.50 for 4 panels
at Unique Thrift Shop on
half-off Mondays

Trimwork

Interestingly, most of my kitchen furniture was donated to me... The rack with my cookbooks sitting next to my stove and the wine rack/stand next to my fridge were both handed down to me from an ex-. My mom gave me the kitchen table. And the computer was donated to me from a friend at the time.

My stove and the cupboard that
Zooey likes to lay on in the winter


Case in point:

My computer space, where I work my magic with all my food pics



My fridge--duh



My toaster oven, coffee pot,
wine rack, and old copies of
Veg Times and VegNews mags

Back in my college days, I decided--with the encouragement of one of my sisters--that I should decorate my kitchen with only ugly things. So I would buy some of the most hideous salt shakers and other kitchen paraphernalia that I possibly could. Later, this idea transformed some, and I now decorate it with as many unrelated and campy decorations as possible. For example:

My wall of camp, which I've posted
about on prior occasions

A Steve Boalt close-up: I bought this album
simply because of the pic and because it's
called HE TOUCHED ME--*giggle*. Also featured: homemade record bowls


My Last Supper clock (which keeps freakishly
good time) and Smokey Robinson's head

And my favorite kitchen-find:
This bright yellow three-tiered
hanging basket that I bought for
$1 at a garage sale down the street


And there you have it. Thank you for joining me today on a tour of my kitchen. Veganmofo, veganmofo, veganmofo.